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Earlier this month, we asked readers to send us their tales of Internet interactions gone awry—the sort of misunderstandings, over-Googlings, and embarrassing misfired e-mails that can best be described as awkward and wrong. Kelly wrote in with a great story, and she is putting it out there to get conversation flowing. Add your own awkward and wrong Google/Twitter/text sagas in the comments section below. Kelly and the Double X staff will show up below and on Facebook to mix it up with you.
I was scolded by a man I’d never met. Admittedly, Doug1968 wasn’t a complete stranger. We’d exchanged some introductory e-mails after he found my profile on a dating website. He was good-looking with a steady job, which in my online experience was hard to come by. I’d even spent 20 minutes Googling him. No police record. Things were looking promising. But suddenly, I found myself apologizing before we’d even spoken. Over text.
Doug1968 and I had decided to skip a phone conversation in favor of texting to arrange the details for meeting face-to-face. First mistake.
Here’s my innocent text, confirming our plans:
“Hey, hope u r well. We still on for Wed?”
His text back: “Wed? I thought we had plans for Mon?”
Me: “I thought we confirmed Wednesday …” Perhaps spelling it out would make it clear.
I got back an e-mail, in which Doug1968 explained that he had a class Wednesday night and would rather meet Monday. I had plans that night with a girlfriend who was just back from Europe. She trumped a blind date. I responded, asking if we could meet the following week.
He texted back: “No, let’s meet Weds. I can skip the class.”
I didn’t want to begin a date with reservations, or with him being upset or resentful in some way. I called my girlfriend to explain why I had to cancel. Feeling relieved, I sent an e-mail to Doug1968 letting him know that I could do Monday after all.
The following morning, I received his texted response: “I just changed plans on somebody because of our texts yesterday and I had plans with you! I expect the same courtesy. See him Friday.”
He thought I was blowing him off for another date? And he had plans with somebody? What happened to his “class”? This was definitely a hostile text.
I could feel the blood rush to my face. I was about to send a nasty text back, but then thought again. Because our communication was entirely textual, was it possible we were both misreading each other?
Instead, I wrote back: “It’s one of my best girlfriends, not a guy, but I will cancel. See u Wed. Apologies.”
I thought this was a civil response. I didn’t want him assuming I’d blown him off for another date. Perhaps he would realize how ridiculous this whole thing was. Instead of a phone call in reply or some kinder words, I received this:
“She wins ... have fun. I’m having a hard time with this. Honestly, how many dates do you have a week? You realize you had to schedule me a week and a half out because you were booked up! Thinking online girls are spread too thin.”
I decided to call him since texting was obviously messing things up. I got his voicemail after the third ring. I was pretty sure he was screening my call, so I decided to muster some degree of diplomacy and leave a pleasant message.
“Hi, I just wanted to call instead of text ...” I paused. Perhaps I was overreacting. He had a nice voice judging from his greeting. “Anyway, I canceled plans with my friends so I’m free Monday or Wednesday.” God, I sounded pathetic. Was I that desperate to meet this guy? I kept going. “Sorry for the miscommunication. Let me know what you want to do.”
I hung up feeling worse. Maybe this was why people stopped buying answering machines a few years back. Soon voicemail would be obsolete. We can’t trust our own thoughts as they escape our mouths. We need a delete button for everything.
I received his texted response:
“Ok, see you Weds since you moved her instead of me, lol.”
This was interrupted by a text from Rob-luv32, another online dating prospect, whom I’d only e-mailed once before:
“hope ur having a good day hot stuff ...” In a twisted way, Rob-luv32 made me feel a little better.
A moment later a new text from Doug1968 arrived:
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Comments
Nice article! I can't believe
By: shin | Thu, 09/10/2009 - 01:16
Nice article! I can't believe you had to suffer through all of that for someone who was clearly not worth your time. It's amazing how so many people refuse to take responsibility for the consequences of their own actions - or lack thereof. Texting is an incredibly convenient way to communicate - with people you already know! Even then, TONS of misunderstandings still occur.
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RE: Texting and Blind Dates ...
By: kkozen1 | Mon, 08/24/2009 - 23:31
Thanks for sharing Kelly ... I don't know what's worse, the fact that your date showed so little respect, or the fact that technology allowed it.
And another thing...
By: kseal33 | Thu, 07/30/2009 - 13:33
Ha! I now totally agree about the calling and googling. Sometimes the easiest way is not the best. Emailing is a bit tricky too.
Oh, and also friends, do not send break-up emails. Have some heart and call the person, even if you only went out on a couple of dates. It's classier and less agonizing than allowing the other person to try and figure out what happened from a vague email. I know, off topic but I thought I would vent. Just because we have the tools of technology, we shouldn't forget about basic manners and consideration.
I just hate email break-ups. Sigh.
all I have to say is...
By: Di | Wed, 07/22/2009 - 17:31
Blind. Date. Those two words shouldn't go together. Unless you are, in fact, legally blind.
dating standards
By: talialynn80 | Tue, 07/21/2009 - 10:28
...being able to call someone and use google maps are pretty basic standards, i think.
Inflection and the TRUTH
By: guyview | Thu, 07/16/2009 - 19:47
I came back to see if any more people wrote in, and they have!
It seems that for a few people, the problem with texting is that it lacks inflection, something that people who have already spoken to one another can begin to understand. So Kelly maybe could have assumed he was kidding when he said "are you ditching me?" or not. Well, maybe.
With all the girls I've met and dated online, I can say that the problem goes back to even how girls represent themselves on dating sites. Like the texting, you just don't know what you are getting just from a profile. For one thing, girls lie a lot. Why is that? I guess guys do as well. Why would anyone think they can get away with it. The truth comes out eventually.
So if everyone is willing to misrepresent themselves, then what can you EVER believe? Even face to face!
Like Chris Rock once said about dating "for the first 6 months, it's my representative dating your representative." YOU BET.
Miscommunication?
By: xaviersch | Wed, 07/15/2009 - 00:57
At the risk of sounding like a typical guy, wasn't this just a miscommunication? In the grand scheme of having your expectations ruined by dating, I would think this rates quite low.
If your point is that texting is bad, I agree. One of you should have called well before it got to this point.
Obviously he shouldn't have attributed your plans to another guy. At the same time, you shouldn't have cancelled plans with your female friend.
The moral of the story, to me, is that if you two were meant to be together, you would have met. In online dating as in real life, not everyone is your perfect match.
Is calling taboo now?
By: Mark | Fri, 07/10/2009 - 11:07
In a general sense, why not just call and talk? Is that something difficult for younger Americans?
I am 23 and somehow manage this. Is there some need for this generation to make life complicated for no reason?
Is it a generational thing?
By: Meredyth | Thu, 07/09/2009 - 16:50
It just seems to me like informal short hand methods of communicating anything other than basic facts have the obvious potential to create severe and maybe even hurtful misunderstandings. My husband and I text nearly every day, but they're of the "headed home" or "cat has a vet appointment at 10:30 on Sat" variety. We've not been married that long (a year and a half), but we are a little older (late 30s/early 40s). Is it a generational thing to use text messaging like this? Occassionally the H and I will engage in a few rounds of witty text banter, but it's witty because we know each other. If someone outside of our relationship saw him teasing me about my luncheon trysts with male colleagues (actually business lunches), they could conceivably think he's actually accusing me of adultery. But I know he's just joking around . . . because, I, you know, KNOW him. I can insert the context and can imagine the flirty tone.
Honestly, when I read this article I immediately thought that texting a perfect stranger (let's be honest, that's what the online folks are until you meet them face to face) would almost naturally lead to miscommunication. This person has no idea of your drift (the way my husband and I know eachother's),and you don't know his either. Maybe all of his seemingly offensive comments ("are you trying to ditch me?") were meant to be flirty and cute. If you were speaking to him and heard vocal inflection, that might have been obvious, but in plain text staring at you from the telephone screen, he sounds like a creep. Just pick up the phone and put it to your ear, have a brief and direct conversation setting up the date, then say, "Listen, I gotta run, but I'm really looking forward to seeing you on Friday to get to know more about you in person!" And then hang up and go meet him on Friday. Done in less than three minutes, I'll wager. Isn't that easier than a ridiculous string of text message misfires and purposeless annoyance? (And for what it's worth, I do think your online excursions are worth it. I have a friend who met her husband that way and they have been happily married for six years, with two kids. So good luck. But I recommend ditching the texting angle.)
Assuming too much
By: Fitzpatrick | Thu, 07/09/2009 - 09:12
The big problem with brief messages, whether texted or spoken, is that the recipient can assume a background that the sender doesn't intend.
Kelly doesn't share the initial exchange that led her to believe one day while Doug had a different day. When he agreed to go with her day, she assumed that he didn't really want to, and changed to his day, while meanwhile he was making arrangements to accommodate her day, even though he thought she had a date with another guy, and maybe he had class but maybe it was plans with someone else.
Then he wanted to switch days again to suit his convenience, and she cleared her decks to accommodate any day he might come up with.
If this sounds like confusing BS, it's because it is. What a mess. The problem is not texting per se, it's treating the whole process of communication too casually, and assuming that people mean things that they didn't say. Is that just part of dating? I don't know, but why not just be direct?