It was sunset and I was being ferried by my future uncle-in-law around Lake Superior in Northern Minnesota while a warm breeze wafted into the rental car window. My longtime boyfriend, who had just proposed, was sitting in front of me, turning around every few minutes to beam in my general direction. We were on our way to get pies. Not just any pies. Betty’s world-famous pies. Life is pretty good right now, I thought. I don’t have anything to complain about. Which led to a twinge of panic: I have nothing to complain about.
This shining moment of whine-free living made me realize how much kvetching I do on a daily basis. If I am honest with myself, I would estimate that about 70 percent of the things that come out of my mouth are gripes. Good-natured, often, but still nonessential and sometimes obnoxious to others. Usual topics of complaint include, but are not limited to: the amount of work I have, the weather, F-train delays, F-train crowds, F-train stank, existential malaise.
It’s all pretty pathetic, when you consider how lucky I am in the grand scheme, and that I’m fundamentally a reasonably happy person. But the extent of my complaining didn’t really sink in until I returned, after my Minnesotan epiphany, to all the minor irritations of my workaday life. I was in the middle of a reverie about how much work I had when my fiance began to give me suggestions about how to delegate more tasks.
“Why don’t you talk to your bosses about it?”
“Because they have just as much work as I do!”
“Remember how you were so excited when you got this job?
“Yeah. So?
“Well, it’s a great job.”
“But I’m so stressed out!”
“Dude, you’re not a lion tamer. There’s nothing to be that stressed out about.”
And so on. I wanted to punch him after a while. Why couldn’t he just listen to me whine rather than offer suggestions about how to proactively improve my mental status? Yes, this is a very stereotypical male-female behavioral pattern—and there’s a name for it: expressive complaint. In the book Aversive Interpersonal Behaviors, Clemson psychology professor Robin M. Kowalski notes that “people frequently complain not because they expect changes to be made, but, rather, because complaining simply makes them feel better.” The other kind of complaining is known as instrumental complaint—kvetching meant to bring about action.
In the case of my workload whine, expressive complaining only made me feel worse. I would blow off the initial steam, but then feel hopeless because a lot of the suggestions for improvement I’d receive seemed impossible to bring about. And what’s more, my almost-daily whining was pissing off my fiance. That’s when I started considering going cold turkey on needless complaining.
I did a little initial research—had anyone tried to give up whining? Will Bowen, a pastor from Kansas City, Mo., has a movement called A Complaint Free World. His project involves a purple bracelet that you wear for 21 days. Whenever you find yourself “complaining, gossiping, or criticizing,” you move the bracelet to the other arm and begin again. Bowen, on his website, defines “to complain” pretty narrowly: It is “to express pain, grief or discontent.” He also says that when people are complaining, “they are talking and thinking about what they do not want in their life and, thereby, attracting more pain, grief and discontent.”
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Comments
Compaling, whining, and moaning
By: airchris17 | Sun, 10/25/2009 - 05:17
Wow, an article about a woman (women) who moan, gossip and complain. Then this "stunning" quote:
In fact, I think I’ve attracted quite a few boon companions on the basis of all my negative energy. My friends are a hilarious, black-humored lot, and our connections are based on “complaining, gossiping, or criticizing,” as well as mutual grudge-holding and long walks on the beach. I have no use for smiley-faced people and have no desire to become one of them."
Let me guess, you wouldn't teach your kids, yonger siblings, or family members who are children to gossip (nor let them) but it's ok for you to do it yourself? You quote your fiance correctly and rationally (which is probably the key word the kills this argument: rational) reminding you, and you agreeing, that your job is good but it would be better if he just let you complain. Even though your job isn't bad?
Then the same paragraph talks about constant complaining and your article states 70% of your time is spent complaining. You, or any woman, don't recognize a problem? How about kicking back and relaxing most things aren't a big deal? Gossiping is WRONG and not constructive (unless of course you enjoy being hyprocritical as to what you teach children or young family members) and I can't say enough "good" things about your "mutual grudge holding."
If other women, or most, are like you, isn't the problem in the mirror?
Do what needs to be done and shut up.
By: Bo | Fri, 10/23/2009 - 22:52
"A complaint free world would equal a world with no improvements!"
No, an action-free world would equal a world with no improvements. Women frequently think complaining, like worrying, counts as action or as an accomplishment, which isn't true.
Do what needs to be done and shut up.
Worth the complaining?
By: prismtrail | Fri, 10/23/2009 - 17:59
I bitch all the time. I'm also cheery a lot of the time, and can make jokes about icky things that piss other people off. When I'm seriously bitching, there have been memorable moments when, at the end of what might be considered a mild tirade over something that is a simple fact of my daily life, I realized that I was mostly bitching BECAUSE I'm powerless over it. I'm frustrated and, also, not a little angry at myself for letting a fact of life bother me.
Sometimes, I've been able to take this insight forward with me and use it to squelch (a clinical term) some future rant, when that rant is 'pointless'. Ranting about something that's not going to stop (horrible traffic, my boss's perceived entitlement, the unwillingness of some people to clean up their messes), makes me a very unpleasant person to be around. And that's not the issue, anyway. The issue is that I am frustrated with myself because I just simply won't adapt into one of those well-balanced people who recognizes that these kinds of complaints don't warrant this much time and energy. And who knows it's up to her to change the complaints that do.
Whining
By: jennies1897 | Thu, 10/22/2009 - 12:46
Complaining about something you can't do anything about or have no plans on doing anything about is whining in my opinion. I'm kind of happy to see the movement, but I hope it doesn't get out of control. A complaint free world would equal a world with no improvements!
Again with the false dichotomies!
By: lorikay4 | Thu, 10/22/2009 - 09:23
A resolution not to complain -- or more realistically, to complain less, and in ways that relate to actually fixing the source of the complaint -- is NOT a call to brainless cheerfulness. It's not! Just as if I told you not to wear black every day, that doesn't mean I'm telling you to wear hot pink every day instead.
Realism and not being a perpetual griper are compatible. Really.
Chronic complainers are people whose default response to the world around them is to complain. I think the idea here is to change the default setting in your brain from 'if you aren't sure how to respond, formulate a complaint', to a default that might be neutral, might be more positive, but mainly doesn't have to be something like "Can you believe this weather?" or "Where did they learn to drive?"
Changing the default way that one responds to the world from an almost automatic complaint to anything else is going to force one to THINK before they open their mouth, which is almost never a bad idea. Right?
Skeptical
By: aistagg | Wed, 10/21/2009 - 13:12
I'm skeptical about people who only let sunshine and rainbows out of their mouths. I think they are hiding something, and quietly adding to a pile of stuff inside that will eventually burst, or make them crazy. Last week it basically rained for 6 days straight. No, it's not an earthquake or a hurricane that washed away my house, but I'd call that a bummer. Is saying, "Sheesh, how about this weather?" a complaint, or an acceptable, agreeable observation. How can we convince people to smile and say "great!" when asked about how the ride home was after a gridlocked commute? Should we try?
Just try it
By: thm61 | Wed, 10/21/2009 - 01:14
Best of luck to you both. Unfortunately, it seems to me that Chris Rock's riff on this topic is correct:
Legitimate Gripe vs. Complaint
By: Joyce | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 20:02
Jessica, It is a legitimate gripe if you are talking to someone who has the power to change the situation that you are unhappy about. If you are talking to someone who does not have the power to change the situation then you are complaining. Does this mean that it is always obnoxious to complain about the weather? Yes. But don't worry. Agreeing with another person's complaint about the weather is merely holding the social fabric together by making the expected response in a situation where there is no reason not to. You will have dozens of opportunities to do this every week.
According to my husband ...
By: madkatmama | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 18:33
... who saw this open on my laptop, "Oh - YOU need to do this!" I didn't realize I was that bad! I will attempt to follow your suggestions and see how I do.
Why stop there?
By: Annie K | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 16:00
I Am That. This book is not about happiness. I'm not sure you can really summarize it, actually, and if you start to read it (finishing is near impossible) you will understand why I say.
I am on board with the less complaining/whining, because I have found that the less you complain, the more people listen to you when you do. Your words have weight. I'm not sure whether it was I Am That or a Thitch Nat Hahn book that inspired me, but I barely said anything at all one week. It was an exercise in communicating only that which was absolutely necessary. The week culminated in a photo editor treating me condescendingly over a miscommunication. When I said my peace, which was short, direct and calm, he apologized and was respectful after that.
The I Ching is also a treasure in that respect, as it teaches to be less emotionally engaged in all the things that drag us into emotional excess - either happy or sad.
I'm looking forward to reading what you ladies come up with.