Husband skewered in Modern Love responds.

For most of us, sitting down with our Sunday New York Times is a relaxing experience. But for subjects of the "Modern Love" column, it can suddenly turn into a choke-on-my-scone nightmare. For those unlucky few, Double X launched Modern Love Revenge, a series of responses written by the subjects of Modern Love columns. Got a lead? E-mail us.

When my wife served a complaint upon me in the form of a Modern Love column alleging breaches in our marriage contract, I was not given the opportunity to respond in kind. Allow me to state my case:

Background

On July 1, 2007, the Plaintiff (Lisa) filed a two-count complaint against the Defendant (me), alleging breach of contract and Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress. Here are the undisputed facts: For nearly six months the Defendant meticulously planned a 10-day trip to Israel and Jordan, comprised of first class accommodations, private guides, archeological digs, walking tours of Jerusalem and a special excursion to Petra. The parties arrived in Israel, checked into their five-star hotel and proceeded to the beach to cleanse their bodies of the day’s extensive travel. The parties made it as far as the curb, when the Plaintiff stumbled and broke her foot; their elapsed time in Israel, 90 minutes.

What followed was a mad and fruitless search for crutches, the payment of extensive fees and charges for last minute flights and cancellations, and upon arriving home, her column alleging “hideous behavior” and “failing and refusing to offer aid and comfort.” Stripped of its hyperbole, the complaint lacks a single fact upon which a meritorious claim can be asserted.

Importantly, the Plaintiff is a writer prone to embellishment, overstatement and purely fictionalized accounts of actual events. Take for example the Plaintiff’s identification of her key witness, Elvis Friedman. Elvis is a dog—a border collie mix who lovingly retrieves the Defendant’s paper each morning and adoringly follows him throughout the house. Elvis is otherwise known as “man’s best friend.” Elvis would sooner chew off his own leg than betray the interests of his master.

The Plaintiff Fails to State a Breach of Contract

The basis of the Plaintiff’s complaint is a mutual promise to “love and comfort, in sickness and in health” for a length of time defined as “as long as both [the Defendant and Plaintiff] shall live.” To be sure, the Defendant has never questioned the term of the contract, at least never out loud. The overwhelming weight of legal authority, however, generally regards such limitless terms as “unconscionable,” or “unduly oppressive.” In any case, there could have been no “meeting of the minds” on the length of the contract at the time it was signed, as 25 years ago both the Plaintiff and the Defendant had only one thing on their mind.

In addition, the Plaintiff’s allegations are inherently self-defeating. First, as for her contention that a search for crutches on a Friday afternoon in Israel inexcusably caused the Defendant to seethe with frustration, the court can surely grant that looking for crutches on a Friday afternoon in Israel is like trying to find a beer in Mecca during Ramadan.

Second, the Plaintiff contends that on the $6,000 return flight home, the Defendant, who was seated in the middle row of the middle section in coach, did not take care of the Plaintiff—who was seated in first class enjoying her multiple meals, warm cookies and unlimited beverages. In this instance, the Defendant relies on the well known doctrine of, “are you kidding me?”

Third, the Plaintiff accuses the Defendant of preparing “inedible” meals during her weeks of recovery. That said meals were carefully purchased from Whole Foods, and cooking directions precisely followed absolves the Plaintiff of any liability. But even more fatal to the Plaintiff’s assertion is the long-held maxim (scrupulously adhered to by the Defendant even when being served baked celery with cheese), that so long as one is being fed, one must never impugn the skills of the chef.

Tags: lisa friedman, modern love revenge

Philip Friedman is a lawyer in Washington.

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