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For most of us, sitting down with our Sunday New York Times is a relaxing experience. But for subjects of the "Modern Love" column, it can suddenly turn into a choke-on-my-scone nightmare. For those unlucky few, Double X launched Modern Love Revenge, a series of responses written by the subjects of Modern Love columns. Got a lead? E-mail us.
When my wife served a complaint upon me in the form of a Modern Love column alleging breaches in our marriage contract, I was not given the opportunity to respond in kind. Allow me to state my case:
Background
On July 1, 2007, the Plaintiff (Lisa) filed a two-count complaint against the Defendant (me), alleging breach of contract and Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress. Here are the undisputed facts: For nearly six months the Defendant meticulously planned a 10-day trip to Israel and Jordan, comprised of first class accommodations, private guides, archeological digs, walking tours of Jerusalem and a special excursion to Petra. The parties arrived in Israel, checked into their five-star hotel and proceeded to the beach to cleanse their bodies of the day’s extensive travel. The parties made it as far as the curb, when the Plaintiff stumbled and broke her foot; their elapsed time in Israel, 90 minutes.
What followed was a mad and fruitless search for crutches, the payment of extensive fees and charges for last minute flights and cancellations, and upon arriving home, her column alleging “hideous behavior” and “failing and refusing to offer aid and comfort.” Stripped of its hyperbole, the complaint lacks a single fact upon which a meritorious claim can be asserted.
Importantly, the Plaintiff is a writer prone to embellishment, overstatement and purely fictionalized accounts of actual events. Take for example the Plaintiff’s identification of her key witness, Elvis Friedman. Elvis is a dog—a border collie mix who lovingly retrieves the Defendant’s paper each morning and adoringly follows him throughout the house. Elvis is otherwise known as “man’s best friend.” Elvis would sooner chew off his own leg than betray the interests of his master.
The Plaintiff Fails to State a Breach of Contract
The basis of the Plaintiff’s complaint is a mutual promise to “love and comfort, in sickness and in health” for a length of time defined as “as long as both [the Defendant and Plaintiff] shall live.” To be sure, the Defendant has never questioned the term of the contract, at least never out loud. The overwhelming weight of legal authority, however, generally regards such limitless terms as “unconscionable,” or “unduly oppressive.” In any case, there could have been no “meeting of the minds” on the length of the contract at the time it was signed, as 25 years ago both the Plaintiff and the Defendant had only one thing on their mind.
In addition, the Plaintiff’s allegations are inherently self-defeating. First, as for her contention that a search for crutches on a Friday afternoon in Israel inexcusably caused the Defendant to seethe with frustration, the court can surely grant that looking for crutches on a Friday afternoon in Israel is like trying to find a beer in Mecca during Ramadan.
Second, the Plaintiff contends that on the $6,000 return flight home, the Defendant, who was seated in the middle row of the middle section in coach, did not take care of the Plaintiff—who was seated in first class enjoying her multiple meals, warm cookies and unlimited beverages. In this instance, the Defendant relies on the well known doctrine of, “are you kidding me?”
Third, the Plaintiff accuses the Defendant of preparing “inedible” meals during her weeks of recovery. That said meals were carefully purchased from Whole Foods, and cooking directions precisely followed absolves the Plaintiff of any liability. But even more fatal to the Plaintiff’s assertion is the long-held maxim (scrupulously adhered to by the Defendant even when being served baked celery with cheese), that so long as one is being fed, one must never impugn the skills of the chef.
SNL: Equal Opportunity Objectifiers
Jon Hamm spent most of the Saturday Night Live episode he hosted last night shirtless.
Confessions of a Woman Comedy Writer
Allison Silverman accepts one from New York Women in Film & Television (and tells us why it's rare).
Comments
Yeah, I definitely have to
By: babz | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 20:12
Yeah, I definitely have to agree she was way over-pampered. Ridiculous that she forced him to head home rather than getting some spa treatments in the fancy hotel while he toured the country. I fractured 2 metatarsals at a wedding in Cape Cod a few years ago and heading home to have someone pamper me never crossed my mind. I went to a country doctor in Maine who basically told me there was no point in getting a cast, gave me a bootie to protect the foot, and that was that. Although my foot swelled up to the size of a volleyball and turned all sorts of colors, I continued on with my vacation in Maine, albeit on crutches, and then even later took the train into NYC, where my crutches fell apart in Grand Central. Some very lovely women from New Jersey searched the floor to find the missing wingnut. The metatarsals healed just fine in 4 to 6 weeks and yes, I did drive myself to the doctor using my left foot because I didn't expect anyone else to do it for me. A broken metatarsal definitely does NOT qualify as a vacation ending injury. I also broke my wrist on a snowboarding trip and never thought about dragging my boyfriend home. Told him to continue to enjoy the snow and I conked out in the hotel room with some painkillers. Learn to be a little tougher honey! Don't expect prince charming to always come to your rescue!
sarcasm
By: Sisi | Thu, 07/02/2009 - 12:58
I think some of the commentators missed the obvious sarcasm of these articles. I think that the celery and cheese dish would have cemented that idea.... But then again there are a lot of people out there not intelligent enough to decipher sarcasm or to be sarcastic themselves. Its a shame.
ANd to those who point at this and say its the reason that Jewish men should marry gentile women give me a break. A: JAP is a racist term, B: Since we don't feel it is appropriate to say "all people are fill in racial stereotype" the idea that its still okay to say "all Jewish women are spoiled brats who treat men like garbage" is just as racist.
Some Jewish women are like that, sure.. But there are a heck of a lot of gentile women who are materialistic spoiled brats too. Case in point, a friend of mine married a nice gentile girl b/c Jewish women were all spoiled. She managed in their short 10 month marriage to sleep with his co-worker and try to sleep with his best friend.... All the while spending his money like there was no tomorrow. He's still under the impression that it is Jewish women who are flawed beyond repair....
But again, if you didn't get it was sarcastic you might not have the intellectual capacity to understand why you're a racist. Please kindly refrain from reproducing if you haven't already.
re: bigbill - Disney Princess
By: purplehippo | Wed, 07/01/2009 - 14:22
Um, did anyone else catch bigbill's extraordinarily anti-semetic comment? Wow.
I think both the original Times piece and her husband's response were good-humored and filled with love. They found a unique and clever way to work through a conflict in their marriage. Great article!
Fitzpatrick
By: Shelley | Mon, 06/29/2009 - 21:04
Before I begin, I will say I caught the humor in this. I thought both were well written. At first I thought the husband (writer) was being a jerk in response, but caught on quickly as I read. What can I say, I'm not a laywer (no matter how much my mother dreamt I would be one - AH, Jewish mothers).
That being said, Fitzpatrick, I am going to go on a limb and guess that you've never had a serious injury while on vacation. I'm also going on a limb to guess that many of you have never been to israel. There isn't THAT much to do without use of all four limbs (but worse when one of those limbs is a foot or leg). There are only so many stores and museums you can peruse before seeing most of it.
Now, I was unfortunate to have broken an ankle during a skiing accident many moons ago (about 10). Yes, I was a trooper and stuck out the trip with my lost appendage, but there were at least 10 people on said trip with us and I always had someone in the hotel room with me. Please note I said in the hotel room with me. It is ridiculously hard to navigate in certain terrain with a fresh broken bone. Not to mention the first week or two of the injury you are in constant pain and on pain meds. And since you are not home, you cannot work with your primary doctor. The best you can get is a quick fix to hold you over until then.
So, Fitz, your suggestion may not be plausible in certain scenarios, as I don't think it was with this one. When you are seriously injured the last thing you want to do is sit in a hot desert in a hotel room where many dont speak your language.
And to whoever bragged about breaking their toe and carrying on with a great vacation. You're talking apples and oranges. I've also broken a toe on vacation (yes, I am a klutz through and through) and it is a WORLD of difference compared to breaking your ankle. I was able to continue on, even gimply, when I broke my toe. When I ruined my ankle it was banishment to bed and a few pathetic attempts at joining in the fun. Your experience is nothing compared to this story. Break something beside your toe and you'll understand.
Brilliant!
By: k_campbell | Mon, 06/29/2009 - 07:53
Well argued, counselor. Summary judgment granted to the defendant.
Disney asks, "What does it take to be a Princess?"
By: bigbill | Mon, 06/29/2009 - 07:11
I think we know what it takes tobe a Jewish American one. My goodness, Iread this and I realize why so many Jewish men look for nice, good-natured gentile girls... at least for their second, non-child-bearing wife.
Dem's da breaks
By: BendingWillough | Sun, 06/28/2009 - 06:14
I once "kidnapped" my husband for a July 4th weekend in Rockport, RI, where I promply broke my toe in the bed & breakfast where we were staying. I also didn't realize at the time that it was broken; and although I was in pain, I stuck it out and we did as much as we could do with me hobbling along. It was still a fun weekend and when he talks about it he doesn't even remember that my toe was broken.
Granted, a broken ankle is more dramatic, but I think more effort should have been made by both parties to make the "dream" vacation work. Okay, so hiking in desert might be cancelled, but there's so much else to do/see!
COIN FLIP
By: boredwell | Sat, 06/27/2009 - 23:57
It's good there were 2 sides this story. Your wife, seems to me, at least, have been justifiable overwrought by her 5th metatarsal and it date with fickle Fate. And you, by the perfectly logical fact, that Friday in Jerusalem is not a propitious time to be navigating a strange in pursuit of a discount medical utility store (why didn't the hospital give you a pair?. That you were a trooper is evident in the sacrifice made to accompany said spouse back to the states. (Myself: I would have stayed and either said bon voyage at the airport or have scoured the country to rent a motorized wheelchair with tractor tires to complete said long-anticipated vacation.) Spouse, sputtering in first class, should have had a more premium outlook and enjoyed herself at your expense. You meanwhile were obviously waiting to zing that reply about driving to the doctor using the left foot; one I will admit, that while employing the logic that additional penury could incur as a result of taking time off work, and I say this without any intention of denigrating your spouse, was misinterpreted by her to be mordant when, in essence, it was a breach of "in sickness and in health." As for dinner, hold off on the baked celery and cheese. You guys have had enough of the latter.
You must be illiterate...
By: katherinekatherine | Sat, 06/27/2009 - 17:27
...if you cannot tell that this is humor.
Enjoyable disagreement
By: raynabeth | Sat, 06/27/2009 - 11:35
Ha!
Not only is this exactly what would've happened in my relationship if something like that had happened but we would've discussed it in the same way over a period of at least a couple weeks before the matter had any resolution!
I think the article isn't to beat around the bush and not have direct discussions but it's to bring a bit of humanity to a story. Both sides are rarely heard after all. And it's not a demonstration for attention so much as showing that balance of life where something that's pretty serious can also be a bit funny and even when people are very upset and disagree about something how they, unique to their own relationship, come together and agree to disagree.
Very well done, a great morning read to get me away from all this world turmoil for a moment.