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For me, answering the question "Are your parents remarried?" is a delicate matter. My dad is easy: Nope, he's a born-again bachelor since he and my mom divorced after 22 years together. My mother is not currently married, I will say carefully, but she was for several years. I might even add that she moved from California, where I grew up, to New Mexico, in order to be with her second husband. The conversation usually stops there. But sometimes I'll plunge ahead. In 1996, my mother met and later married a man incarcerated in a New Mexico state prison, an inmate who began as her pen pal and ended up as her lover.
At first, I was supportive. Which seems hard to believe. My mother's affair began very soon after my parents split and I moved away to college, and it carried a crazy whiff of romantic adventure. The universe seemed to conspire to bring them together. Joe reached her by randomly tapping a string of numbers together into an out-of-state collect phone call. She accepted the call, thinking it was one of my old boyfriends who shared the same name. He was looking for someone to write to him, since his family didn't often visit—would anybody in the household be interested? (He later admitted that he'd heard from other inmates that the collect-call routine was a good way to find women.) She volunteered for the job, and I thought her daring and fabulously unorthodox.
My mom told me later that corresponding with Joe seemed like a good mentorship opportunity—he was 17 years her junior, a young, amiable Navajo man with some "bad boy" hobbies (a biker! a tattoo artist! a pot head!) who'd gotten himself into a bit of trouble with the law. She figured she could be a positive influence and gain some post-divorce good karma for herself. It turned out, though, that my mom needed him as much as he needed her. Their letters and phone calls quickly turned into therapy sessions, during which my mother poured out her distresses—about her divorce, her marriage, her childhood—dredging up painful bits that she'd never told anyone else. She told him about being raped in college, and about the abortion she'd had after my sister was born. He listened, attentively and sympathetically. In my cynical moments, I pointed out that, of course he was a good listener. He had nothing but time since he was sitting around in a jail cell.
But the undivided attention was a novelty to her (which was, in itself, sad—had my father never listened to her?), and she blossomed in a way I couldn't deny. Before I had thought of her as stoic and self-reliant, the woman who had refused her father's money in order to put herself through college, and ignored the slights of male colleagues to become a respected computer programmer. She was serious-minded, and preferred reading science magazines to socializing. Now she became gregarious and girlish. She shed 40 pounds and filled her new wardrobe with Levis and brightly tie-dyed T-shirts. Before she’d been rather puritanical—she had grown up in the late '60s, yet did not know what a bong was!—and was now fearlessly venturing off to Harley Davidson conventions.
She carried a camera with her everywhere, documenting her experiences for Joe to see: hiking trips, lovely sunsets, flowers from the yard, bread she'd baked, interesting tattoos or motorcycles he might like. He mailed her beautiful pencil drawings of wildlife and Native American scenes, which I thought were hokey but she framed with pride. It was as if she'd screwed in a pair of new eyes, living vicariously not through Joe, but for him, and she was delighted by what she saw.
Mom fell in love like a teenager. She was only 21 when she married my dad, and the years after that had felt to her like grim adulthood—it made a weird sense that she should revert back to square one, emotionally speaking, for this new relationship. But a 21-year-old mind backed by the power of middle age is an unsettling thing. A teenage girl can dream of eloping with the first boy she meets, but parents and her own limited resources hold her back. A mature woman of independent means, however, can throw herself headlong into any ill-conceived venture that she chooses. To spend $600 a month on flights and collect phone calls is a decision an adult can easily make. Like a teenager, my mom was obsessive about her lover, and closed to anything but her own reasoning.
SNL: Equal Opportunity Objectifiers
Jon Hamm spent most of the Saturday Night Live episode he hosted last night shirtless.
Confessions of a Woman Comedy Writer
Allison Silverman accepts one from New York Women in Film & Television (and tells us why it's rare).
Comments
Missing the Point
By: WereBear | Sun, 12/06/2009 - 13:59
It is an extraordinary story... except that it happens all the time to people who get snagged by con artists.
The person who said "don't think you can't get fooled by a psychopath" is 100% right, and perhaps one has to have experience with such to understand. To wit:
Psychopaths are perfect manipulators.
Whatever you need, they have. They seem like the "perfect" boyfriend or girlfriend because they bring nothing of themselves to the table. They have nothing to bring; only the illusion of being everything the other person dreamed of.
But that illusion is ideally crafted and tailored to each person. They can be the "dream person" and go on this way for as long as the victim wants their "dream person," and is unwilling to let reality in.
No one is immune.
This is a real sad story of
By: marias | Wed, 09/16/2009 - 10:58
This is a real sad story of yours but I think everyone is liberal. This story is now becoming a common part of our society and whats worst even the best Marriage Counselors cannot find a certain solution to this issue.
Being fooled by a sociopath doesn't make you stupid
By: Ishtar | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 07:14
Anna's mother's story has eerie parallels to my own. My discovery that my boyfriend is a criminal psychopath shook my world to its foundation. It's been a long painful road to recovery from the devastation he wreaked in my life.
Don't judge the mother too harshly. Sociopaths/psychopaths are masters at conning people. They have no empathy or conscience and are pathological liars. You're fooling yourself if you think you are immune to them.
It took me six months of recovery before I could handle spending time with friends and family. I was ashamed of being fooled by him and I couldn't handle feeling blame or judgement from those close to me - I was doing enough self-castigation.
What finally started me healing was finding out more about psychopathy and this particular psychopath. His sister told me how he still managed to con family members, even though they were fully aware of his history. He conned several major companies (including an oil company and a major bank) into giving him responsible high-paying jobs, which he then used to steal money. Pyschopaths prey on people who have high levels of empathy and who instinctively want to help others. They take advantage of people's good qualities.
I can sense Anna's pain in her writing - Joe hurt her when he hurt her mother. I hope that Anna reaches a point where she can allow her mother to speak about what happened, without judgement or blame.
As for lessons learnt...yes you learn big lessons. My encounter with a psychopath nearly broke me (I was at the point of suicide) but today, a year later, I am stronger than I've ever been. I have a fantastic therapist and a good support network. I no longer believe in the inherent goodness of people and I still have major trust issues, especially with men, but I am a happier person than I've been in a long time.
My heart goes out to Anna's mom (and to Anna). Take it from me...your awful experience can be the catalyst for a richer, more rewarding life.
Love = Stupidity /we need a drug...
By: Zeeze | Tue, 06/23/2009 - 19:24
I've seen too many people make stupid decisions based on love and infatuation.
I've seen single mothers expose their children to dangerous men because they "fell in love".
I've seen men, driven by some foolish sense of "romance" continually forgive some selfish,slime-ball women only to end up a cuckold fool.
I hope that someday we have a drug that can cancel-out feelings of love until we can make a smart choice.
could be my wife . . .
By: wounded won | Fri, 06/19/2009 - 13:25
Deeply touched/connected to the writer's feelings. 22 years of marriage to a fabulous, honorable woman who told me everyday "I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow." Destroyed in a discovered e-mail confirming my wife had a long running emotional and physical affair with a man she forced me to have dinner with. An absolute repeat of what she told me her dad's worst sin against her mother was . . .forcing her mom to have dinner with a woman he previously had an affair with. When confronted she fell to pieces, confessed 3 years of awful behavior: lies, hidden debt, the affair with a person she constantly represented as a friend, defended his every bad behavior . . .another man she met on a dating site and bantered sexually to and from . . .spent 5K of family money buying him a gun, boat, motor, rehabbed said boat . . .claims he reimbursed her, clearly violating a family rule of never spending more then $50 without the other person's permission. She had a complete alternate personality form (emerge? revert?)and take over her life. Previous non smoker, drinker, cusser . . .despised rock music, hated risque jokes. Suddenly is the embodiment of this behavior: heavy smoker, drinker, hard rock, loves daily beer, sometimes as easrly as 10 AM. Her so called friend/lover used her, lied, fooled and emotionally seduced her. Making matters worse, he was the Physician Assistant assigned to her medical care. He prescribed Prozac and wellbutrin, he was personally using them as well . . .abused his position and eventually wound up talking her into performing sex. I forgave (blinded by love)she graciously accepted and she told me how much she desired to be my wife, stay in the relationship work hard . . .3 months later the new personality occurs: previously non smoker and strict non drinker, she now she instantly became a heavy drinker and smoker. She was abusing prescription narcotic painkillers. Previously hated dirty jokes and rock music, now pursues the hardest of the genre. Feels she did NOT love me, merely decieved herself, but didn't lie because she thought she loved me. I was a complete romantic foolish moron, all about the flowers, balloons, cards, no reason gifts, imported Belgian chocolates . . .surprises, drawing baths, rose petals, candles . . .gave her complete control of the finances (BIG mistake), supported her desire to either work or not work, have children or not . . .she picked out every car, every home . . . Suddenly her moral compass is in complete dissaray . . .feels my rejection of the boat/gun male is ridiculous as even though she met him through a romantic dating site, did it with sexual banter, etc . . .because she later decided he was a nice guy and just a friend . . .the manner in which they met is immaterial, and I am an idiot for thinking bad of him. She feels her intentions are pure therefore I am the one with the problem. She demanded a divorce and while remaining on the property she continued to see this other man, even spent a week with him . . .claims I am the only person who sees this as wrong. She is blinded at how far she has fallen, simply doesn't process things the way she once did. Mid life crisis? Change of life? Does she feel she gave up a wild youth for a comfortable guy making great money who would never harm or abuse her? Maybe. She insists I have done nothing wrong and was a fabulous spouse.
I miss the woman I loved, the one that loved me . . .but though this one has many appealing aspects . . .the harm of an affair, her betrayal is brutality defined. I feel I lost the person I know, my friend, my lover, my confidant . . .my partner to grow old with . . .my favorite person has been stolen from me after the emotional damage of this unethical medical bastard. Like the writer, I experienced my partner changing so drastically in such a short period . . .Every bad deed committed by her loser male internet dating site predators she explained away. Though no STD has shown to date, she was intimate with me after the physical affair with a man she knew was sleeping with everything. After the sex the entire thing evaporated. He pursued what he wanted . . .I did everything right . . .I love my wife more than life . . .and she cannot even see how even in our separated state how I could be offended by her continued connection to a man she met while foolling around . . .she is physically present, but the personality . . .the person . . .is gone. Will she one day wake up and the old person re-emerges? Did she have a nervous breakdown? I cannot answer this. I so feel for the writer's heart. I live her sense of loss. She wants her mom back. I want my daughter's mom back too.
The beating of a horse, or the beating of a heart?
By: fempm | Fri, 06/19/2009 - 12:53
This is not the first time I have questioned whether feminism is more theory than practice. Like Nietzsche, who insisted that pity was a wasted emotion yet died at the sight of a horse being beaten, feminists have sold nearly half the world on an irreproachable premise flayed, and often felled, by emotional imperatives.
All the Brokenhearted People
By: dystopika | Fri, 06/19/2009 - 09:46
Absolutely fascinating read. I was just going to skim but I got pulled through to the end. It could be argued that her mother was "weak" to "hand her life over to this man"... but the mother's a human being. It's far better that she's chosen to put a positive spin on the life experience, rather than what...? Wallow in self-hatred? Sink into a deep depression over the choices she's made in her life? Is the daughter's issue, in the end, that her mother refuses to concede that she'd made an error (or series of errors) in judgment? That her mother refuses to admit that she was wrong about this man? The mother's got to do what she's got to do to live with herself, live with what she's done.
moms and their bad boyfriends
By: lightening | Fri, 06/19/2009 - 09:27
My mom and I went through a similar experience after my parents broke up from 23 years of marriage. Like the author's mother, she married young and hadn't much experience dating. Via the internet, she wound up in love with a total player jerk. It was agonizing. Not to the same degree as the story above, but I understand the sentiments and feeling involved when you worry about your mom.
Not to condone the mother or
By: jennies1897 | Fri, 06/19/2009 - 09:02
Not to condone the mother or her actions...but it sounds like she made a mistake. She's owned up to it and is moving on with her life. Her daughter sounds to me like she's having difficulty either:
(1) Letting go of Mom's relationship
(2) Putting her trust back in her mother after a mistake
She sounds like she wants her mother to apologize to her, which I think is skewed. Her mother owes herself an apology - there is no real need to tell her daughter she is sorry, she did not do anything intended harm upon her daughter or her family. She did not bring a criminal into the home that molested, raped or murdered anyone in the family (but she could've - I'm not saying it should be ignored, I just think there are more important things that did happen to the family that ought to be addressed). I'd imagine this would be better handled if she were to approach her mother without looking for her mom to say, "I was wrong, I'm sorry I did this to you." Openly and honestly tell her how the relationship made her feel. Tell her she's having trouble putting her trust back in her. Tell her mother what the words are that she needs to hear, stop waiting for her to figure it out. If that's "I'm sorry" then put it that way. "Mom, I can't trust you again until you apologize for this. It's important to me." If Mom's important to her, she'll teach her how to communicate with her. We all communicate somewhat the same, but not exactly the same.
What burns me about the article is she recognizes and points out ways this incredibly unhealthy relationship was good for her mother. Even mistakes have their good points. How she came out of her shell, she saw a different side of her mother that wound up moving from contented adjustments in her life into the bizarre. Mom's a nutball, I'm not condoning her action. She should have at least checked the guy's record. What's done is done though. One can either sit around and berate folks over it or move on.
The mother didn't go through
By: hlee | Fri, 06/19/2009 - 07:06
The mother didn't go through an empowering "learning process". She was a poor judge of character and made a very costly and foolish mistake, ignoring all warnings in the process.