Life
Modern Love Revenge: Joyce Maynard's Daughter Gets Her Turn To Speak
Coming to terms with my mother's decisions to write about her life—even when I am the lead player in the story.
Photograph of Joyce Maynard and her daughter Audrey Bethel at Maynard's book reading last month courtesy of Audrey Bethel.
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When I got this letter, I tried to keep reminding myself that it was her story, and her emotions to resolve, so that I could make peace with what she wrote, rather than allow myself to view it as a not-so-necessary exposé in which I am the main character.
To have my life translated by my mother and aired publicly in a major newspaper was an uncomfortable stretch. My mother’s article had put me in a difficult position. I read it over and felt very conflicted. Beyond the basic feeling of the intrusion, I had many objections to the way she presented the story and her lack of understanding about systemic poverty and the deep-seated nature of centuries of colonial domination and positions of privilege. I knew her primary purpose was not to write an academic piece to raise social consciousness, but I still felt strongly that the original draft of my mother’s piece perpetuated certain stereotypes and assumptions. I knew how much she wanted me to tell her to go ahead with the piece, especially since it would be good publicity to coincide with her new book coming out.
So, there I was, caught in a predicament: On the one hand, I felt I could easily just say no to my mother, but then I feared an undercurrent of resentment could brew, even though she assured me that she would respect whatever decision I made. I also knew I would be untrue to myself and feel like I was betraying my dear friend Johnny if she went ahead and published the piece in the state it was in. In order to feel OK with her project, I knew I would have to edit the piece in some way.
It happened to be one of the busiest times in my life this past spring, when I felt like it was all I could do to keep my head above water. I was in the midst of completing my graduate school course work, doing an action-research project at a local elementary school, and waitressing on the weekends to pay the bills. My mom would send me the various drafts and I would scrutinize her essay down to the syntax, all while I had my own thesis to be working on. Ironically, the edits and revisions my mother and I sent back and forth turned into an informal counseling dialog while I was simultaneously completing my degree to become a school guidance counselor. As we worked through the writing process we were able to appreciate each other’s side of the story and see each other more clearly:
Dear Ma, i think it is a bit extreme to paint the picture that i was so callous and flat-sounding while i was living there, that wasn't the case, but i guess since u weren't there, and u were reading my emails, it could have been easy to interpret my voice to be that way.
i know u were trying to prove a point—but to say the “dark and broken place in my daughter’s heart” is too much! It is all intense and i hurt and i grew, and was also given a great deal through the experience so that by the time i came home I don't think i was as destitute due to the circumstance—as u maybe thought i was. As a mother i respect how hard the experience must have been from your side, and i guess i didn't ever get to talk to you about the whole situation as much as i could have so you could be more at peace with it ...
Over the years that have passed since that first shocking blood test, I believe we have all grown into stronger people not in spite of, but because of what we now know. After going through so much together, the relationship between Johnny and me has evolved into a brother-sister sort of thing that allows us both to teach and support each other regardless of how often we get to spend time together. Johnny is able to stay healthy as long as he is able to take his medications every day. And I live my life informed and enriched by the trips I make to visit him in Haiti and the Dominican Republic. I surprised myself by being able to work with my mother to craft a piece that was certainly still her story, but one that took into account my perspective and respected my objections. And now, it comes full circle in that I am given the opportunity to share my own perspective in the artistic form of this story to be published.
SNL: Equal Opportunity Objectifiers
Jon Hamm spent most of the Saturday Night Live episode he hosted last night shirtless.
Confessions of a Woman Comedy Writer
Allison Silverman accepts one from New York Women in Film & Television (and tells us why it's rare).
Comments
This is a Surprise?
By: Nduffy1930 | Sat, 12/05/2009 - 20:52
Joyce Maynard has been exploiting those close to her for most of her professional life. It should be remembered that this professional life began in her teens, when she dragged her father's alcoholism out for public inspection so she could win a writing contest sponsored by a magazine. It continued in the column she wrote for many years for the New York TIMES, a column she stopped only when her kids reached puberty, and she realized that if she started using their sex lives for material she would probably be exposed as the user she always had been.
That Maynard was snooping around in her daughter's e-mail isn't terribly surprising. And it wasn't concern. It was the suspicion that the kid was holding out on her, probably something that Maynard could used to some sort of advantage. As it turns out, it was a doozy, and Maynard running true to form, used it big time. She'll probably want to turn it into a book now. Correction, she probably WILL turn it into a book now, with or without her daughter's cooperation.
I was amused when I discovered that the movie TO DIE FOR was based on a novel by Maynard. Superficially, it was a rip-off of the Pamela Smart case, but at heart, it was an unwitting self-portrait, a woman with a talent for using others to achieve her own ends and little or no compunction about doing it (fear of being CAUGHT, perhaps, but no moral qualms as such). Auto Roman a Clef, anyone?
Beautifully written essay
By: Susan415 | Sat, 12/05/2009 - 11:16
I'm referring to the original in Modern Love. I definitely understand how Audrey would feel hurt and violated by the breach of her privacy (my father once looked in my phone bill to call a friend of mine to ask her not to support my actions - and I thought that was the worst thing in the world). But the essay is so well done. It does focus on the mother's point of view, and doesn't pry too much into the daughter's presumed state of mind. And what Audrey says - that it wasn't such a dark and broken place, and she came out of it a stronger person - that actually showed in the subtext of the piece. On a closing note, I am familiar with Dr. Paul Farmer and his work in developing countries. Having read his book, Pathologies of Power: Health, Human Rights, and the New War on the Poor, I was convinced that he was doing tremendous work and had committed to support his charity, Partners in Health (http://www.pih.org). It was gratifying to see mention of its life-saving work.
Audrey
By: lovingfriend | Wed, 10/28/2009 - 19:37
I think this is complicated. Both Joyce and Audrey have the best intentions and love for each other. I know first hand as I have been friends with Audrey since we were in high school. Being an artist's daughter is not always easy, but being anyone's daughter isn't always easy.I think both stories were completely brave and I am so glad to have Audrey and Joyce in my life. X
What Damage?
By: Ankhorite | Wed, 10/28/2009 - 14:22
@Fitzpatrick: Are you kidding me? What damage? The complete loss of privacy; the loss of dignity; the loss of an ability to trust a parent with any intimate or painful issue; the loss of the ability to control your own public persona FOREVER (i.e., at thirty, Junior applies for a prestigious job, or runs for public office; anyone googling him finds out that at 10 months, he rubbed feces into his hair, which the prostituting parent felt compelled to share with her/his audience for money).
Why should everyone in the country be a permanent witness to the questions you asked your parents the day you learned about the birds and the bees? Or the day you shoplifted some gum in the check-out aisle? Or how, at age 14 or so, you made the decision between tampons and pads? Or whether and why your parents decided to circumcise you or not, and what the result looks like?
And that's just the least of it. I am APPALLED at the sort of thing family columnists think it's important, or edgy, or amusing, or exciting (read "profitable" for all four), to "share." Your child's life is not yours; you have no right to "share" it with a nation of strangers. Not for free, not for money, not for any reason. Just NOT.
Modern Love is supposed to be one-sided
By: robynella | Wed, 10/28/2009 - 12:23
While I understand your point of view, and I'm glad you got a chance to share your side of the story, surely you must see that your mother did a beautiful job of telling her story - and even including your point of view.
When I read your mother's essay, I cried, mostly in empathy for what you must have gone through during those long, uncertain months in Haiti. Reading your side of the story did not have the same affecting hold on me. It was only from your mother's voice that I got a sense of just how devastating Johnny's plight must have been for you.
Maybe your mother does not feel the same level of connection that you feel for Johnny, and this is what bothered you so much about her telling of the tale. But the deep level of concern and love she has for you broke my heart. You may not see yourself through her eyes, but her portrayal of you seemed to me to do justice to her observations about your inner turmoil and the experiences she admits that she could never really understand.
The Modern Love column is wonderful for the way it is allows people to reflect on their own obsessive love for one person, which sometimes causes them to act in selfish or wrong ways. This is what makes the column so compulsively read-able, and I for one hope that people do not soon stop sharing these personal experiences in print for the insight they give all of us into difficult and heartbreaking situations.
I believe this WAS your mom's story to tell, but that does not mean that you don't have one to tell, too. Maybe you should write your own column about your relationship with Johnny.
What damage?
By: Fitzpatrick | Wed, 10/28/2009 - 10:29
Exactly what damage are the children who are written about supposed to suffer? Any evidence?
Columnists' Families
By: Ankhorite | Wed, 10/28/2009 - 05:07
I find it unspeakably disloyal for any parent to make their living by exposing the lives of their children to the public, whether it's this writer's mother, or Dave Barry, or anyone else at all.
How is it different from subjecting your children to being in a reality tv show?
It isn't right, not for any reason, and it's certainly not right to do it for money.
Set aside the damage done them when they are adults with a publicized paper trail that goes back to their birth. What about the damage to the kids as they grow up knowing that anything they do or say in the presence of a parent may become fodder for tomorrow's fish wrap? And that the more painful and personal it is, the more likely Mommy or Daddy is to broadcast it?
Thank You!
By: charliewilder | Wed, 10/28/2009 - 01:50
Your clarity and insight as a counselor is much appreciated. To be the subject of someone else's story, especially when it's so detail oriented, is not an easy place to be.