Lessons in empathy from the authors of “The Nanny Diaries.”

This is Part 6 of a dialogue between Caitlin Macy, author of Spoiled; Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus, authors of The Nanny Diaries; and DoubleX associate editor Samantha Henig. Read Part 1 here, Part 2 here, Part 3 here, Part 4 here, and Part 5 here.

To respond to Samantha’s question about my perception of how private schools have changed, I (Nicola) can only share my subjective experience. In my class at Chapin (’92), I was very lucky that the more affluent crowd also happened to be intensely smart and driven, creating an exciting atmosphere of academic appreciation. This set the tone so that we all openly worked hard and cared very deeply about having the right answer in class and doing well on tests. At that time, there was a stigma attached to having a tutor. I required one to pass Calculus my junior year and felt, rightly, that it was a sign that I had hit the end of my mental aptitude for math. It was something kids would go out of their way to avoid, not a status symbol.

By the time I was nannying full-time, only three years later, I was looking after children too young to require tutors, but I do have an appreciation for the points Caitlin raises. The kids I looked after had more homework than I could fathom, and as they grew up and we stayed in touch I was bowled over by their workload. I have two friends who run a tutoring company on the Upper East Side and they say the primary thing these kids need help with is time management, because they have so many responsibilities that if they didn’t learn how to work more efficiently, they’d never sleep.

We love Caitlin’s concept of parenting themes! We absolutely agree that these themes are integral to shaping the adults our children will become. As nannies, we observed that our employers’ mistreatment or exploitation of domestic help in front of their children communicated a clear message—empathy was neither cultivated nor valued. And this is why we raise the specter of George Bush, of AIG, of Madoff—people in positions of power who made decisions that affect so many with an apparent lack of empathy. If a child witnesses a string of nannies get hired and fired for sport, their teachers openly expected to accept work that has been outsourced to tutors, their schools presenting a front of explicit ignorance in the face of student disrespect ( i.e. Web sites spewing expletives at teachers)—what message is that child receiving about community? How is a child taught to consider the experience of others? It just doesn’t feel like a stretch to us to look at the days following Katrina, or the millions currently facing foreclosure, and wonder how those in power grew up to be able to make such uncompassionate decisions.

Tags: education, gossip girl, prep schools, schooled, the nanny diaries

Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus are the authors of the the Number 1 New York Times bestseller The Nanny Diaries, which was made into a major motion picture. They are also the authors of the New York Times bestsellers Citizen Girl, Dedication and their first YA novel, The Real Real, which was published in May. They live and work in New York City. Please visit them at www.emmaandnicola.com.

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