Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a forthcoming novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.
Dear Friend or Foe,
I've been friends with a woman—let's call her Lisa—since I was 5. Our friendship has historically been tumultuous, but in the past two or three years, it's been almost entirely negative. She's always been brutally honest and had a harsh sense of humor, and lately I just don't want to put up with it. For instance, she's critical of the way I look: She tells me that I remind her of a llama and makes fun of what I'm wearing at least 40 percent of the time. She recently told me that she would have no problem ostracizing me if I get married before she does, because she doesn't want me to be in a different stage of life than she is. Whenever I mention to Lisa that she's hurt my feelings, she says that she didn't mean to hurt me, so therefore I should not be upset. Obviously she has her upsides, or the friendship would have zero allure. She's bitingly funny (when not mocking you) and incredibly loyal. But, at this point, I feel so awful after spending time with her that I actively avoid her. I'd avoid her entirely, but we share many mutual friends, and I am close with her boyfriend. My question is twofold: Is this friendship worth salvaging? And if so, how do I manage to spend time with Lisa without wanting to punch her, or myself?
Sincerely, No Longer Have Stomach for Mean Friend Who Already Hates My Imaginary Future Husband
Dear NLHSFMIFH,
I should admit that Lisa's criticism made me wonder about your fashion sense. Assuming you aren't overly fond of fuzzy woolen clothing, however, I'd agree that your friend sounds like a major meanie. Also, please note: Loyalty is a meaningless virtue when it goes hand in hand with a tyrannical streak; Hitler was "loyal" to the German masses, too.
Since you have close pals in common, I'd be inclined to redefine the friendship rather than end it for good. Logic as follows: If Lisa's face is going to be in yours all the time anyway, do you really want the stress of being on the receiving end of a fusillade of murderous looks every time you see her?
And there will be murderous looks. It's nice to think that Lisa might learn something from an encounter in which you tell her you want to end the friendship because she's a psychotic bitch who makes you cry. Unfortunately, mean people, upon being confronted with evidence of their meanness, rarely rethink their mean ways. Instead, they become further entrenched in their distorted convictions that, while others dissemble and ingratiate, they alone (in their unflagging candor) are the "true friends" of this world.
My advice: See Lisa less frequently and only in group settings, preferably with loud music playing in the background. With others around she'll be less likely to feel comfortable spewing contumely at you. And if she does, there will be witnesses. Also, is it crazy to imagine that on occasion your friends might enjoy getting together and comparing Lisa stories? On a slow gossip night, terrible friends can be a great boon to conversation.
Dear Friend or Foe,
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Comments
Interesting
By: jessie31 | Sat, 03/20/2010 - 02:09
Interesting story！
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The second comment is really
By: Marlet | Sat, 08/15/2009 - 16:41
The second comment is really something, might have to quote it
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I think that this column is
By: tolo87 | Sun, 08/02/2009 - 04:05
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I implore others as moms to
By: patric548 | Wed, 07/29/2009 - 02:24
I implore others as moms to look within to become the best mom for our children than to present a false image of fake happiness of our mostly boring and tedious lives soley to impress those hyperventilating uberfemales who want merit badges and or global accolades for their seemingly endless frustrations in their seemingly endless stress filled quest in perfecting their PTA "game face" to outdo and impress the other uberfemales who thrive on such pettiness.
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Today, even working mothers
By: patric548 | Wed, 07/29/2009 - 02:24
Today, even working mothers spend the same number of hours weekly with their kids as did stay-at-home moms in the 1950s—even though it's today's working mothers who are routinely charged with child abandonment. I was surprised by this fact frankly speaking.
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Pretend nothing is going wrong . . .. .
By: taxipeach78 | Fri, 06/26/2009 - 14:59
"pretend nothing is going wrong and let them catch the hint as you grow apart."
This a terrible and cowardly way to go. Obnoxious jerks don't take hints, first of all; and it's pretty passive-aggressive to expect her to read your mind.
She's tried talking and it doesn't work; so I would recommend telling her- this hurts me; I have a right to feel this way; if you want to continue to be friends, you will stop acting this way. Then mean it. I boubt that the LW is the only one in her circle on the recieving end of this.
Facebook Faux-Pas
By: breseec | Tue, 06/02/2009 - 15:54
Ahem, but has Facebook-girl thought that perhaps her ex-Zen BF accidentally "friended" her but didn't really want to? Especially if he's not computer savvy, first time users sometimes accidentally send out the invitation to everyone in their address book without realizing what they are doing.
Abuse is a difficult diagnosis to make
By: wackyjer | Tue, 06/02/2009 - 09:07
While it's theoretically possible that the suddenly "f-ing boring" friend may be in an abusive relationship, it's even more likely that she's just... in a relationship.
Your friend used to be an awesome beer-drinkin' buddy who dressed like the world's coolest flood victim, but now she's eroticizing kitchenware and soft-rocking the Donna Reed wardrobe? The hell you say! Sure, sure none of us should have to drastically change our personalities for our partners. And I don't want to minimize the ugly problems of relationship abuse. But I think it's interesting that there are some (presumably female) readers who see signs of abuse in something that men experience in 95% of guy-on-guy relationships. Sometimes when I think of all my guy friends who lost their claws to attract or keep a woman, I just light some candles, put on some Sarah McLachlan, pour a bath, and cry for a while. Then my wife usually yells at me to demand I work my special magic cleaning the grind-and-brew because "the coffee tastes too coffee-ey."
big change in personality=possible abuse
By: PseudoI | Wed, 05/20/2009 - 13:28
I'm concerned that Lucinda didn't pick up that a friend with such a drastic personality change (free spirit to expensive waffle iron purchaser) may be in an abusive relationship. I think a good friend would say: "I've noticed you've changed. I understand that we're all growing and changing but I do miss the old free-spirited you and I hope your comfortable with the changes. I like John a lot--but I hope you don't feel you had to change for him. And of course, I'll always be there for you if you need to talk." Or something like that. . .
Relationships are as
By: cityrat | Tue, 05/19/2009 - 22:19
Relationships are as difficult as the people in them. Not just a flip comment, really. I've got difficult friends where I've consciously made the decision that I was going to be friends with them because I like them to the extent that I want to keep them as friends, so I need to just walk away (mentally or literally) whenever they start doing whatever it is that drives me nuts. If that's not the case, sometimes it's time to walk away from the friendship entirely. This is much harder in romantic relationships, because our stake is so much higher, and it is so much more important that they see things from our point of view. It's nearly impossible to just "walk away" from specific behavior in that sense. Also, I think for anyone over the age of 12 this should be figured out IRL and not played out in public on the internets. My rule on the Facebooks and other thingses is to be the bigger person and not involve personal issues.