Life

Introducing Friend or Foe, Our Friendship Advice Column

Boys are easy. Friendships are hard.

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a forthcoming novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

I've been friends with a woman—let's call her Lisa—since I was 5. Our friendship has historically been tumultuous, but in the past two or three years, it's been almost entirely negative. She's always been brutally honest and had a harsh sense of humor, and lately I just don't want to put up with it. For instance, she's critical of the way I look: She tells me that I remind her of a llama and makes fun of what I'm wearing at least 40 percent of the time. She recently told me that she would have no problem ostracizing me if I get married before she does, because she doesn't want me to be in a different stage of life than she is. Whenever I mention to Lisa that she's hurt my feelings, she says that she didn't mean to hurt me, so therefore I should not be upset. Obviously she has her upsides, or the friendship would have zero allure. She's bitingly funny (when not mocking you) and incredibly loyal. But, at this point, I feel so awful after spending time with her that I actively avoid her. I'd avoid her entirely, but we share many mutual friends, and I am close with her boyfriend. My question is twofold: Is this friendship worth salvaging? And if so, how do I manage to spend time with Lisa without wanting to punch her, or myself?

Sincerely, No Longer Have Stomach for Mean Friend Who Already Hates My Imaginary Future Husband

 

Dear NLHSFMIFH,

I should admit that Lisa's criticism made me wonder about your fashion sense. Assuming you aren't overly fond of fuzzy woolen clothing, however, I'd agree that your friend sounds like a major meanie. Also, please note: Loyalty is a meaningless virtue when it goes hand in hand with a tyrannical streak; Hitler was "loyal" to the German masses, too.

Since you have close pals in common, I'd be inclined to redefine the friendship rather than end it for good. Logic as follows: If Lisa's face is going to be in yours all the time anyway, do you really want the stress of being on the receiving end of a fusillade of murderous looks every time you see her?

And there will be murderous looks. It's nice to think that Lisa might learn something from an encounter in which you tell her you want to end the friendship because she's a psychotic bitch who makes you cry. Unfortunately, mean people, upon being confronted with evidence of their meanness, rarely rethink their mean ways. Instead, they become further entrenched in their distorted convictions that, while others dissemble and ingratiate, they alone (in their unflagging candor) are the "true friends" of this world.

My advice: See Lisa less frequently and only in group settings, preferably with loud music playing in the background. With others around she'll be less likely to feel comfortable spewing contumely at you. And if she does, there will be witnesses. Also, is it crazy to imagine that on occasion your friends might enjoy getting together and comparing Lisa stories? On a slow gossip night, terrible friends can be a great boon to conversation.

 

Dear Friend or Foe,

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