Friend or Foe: Advice for when your BFF goes MIA, and other friendship problems.

Illustration by Jason Raish.

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a forthcoming novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

Greta and I have been extremely close friends for almost a decade. We met when we were in our late teens and clicked instantly. It was friendship love at first drunken 1 a.m. excursion to the make-up aisle at CVS. We were quickly calling each other our "best friends." We still refer to each other as such, but the BFF title is starting to seem vestigial. We’re both extremely busy and bad at sending e-mails that go on longer than two sentences. Since she moved to another city two years ago, we’ve kept in sporadic—if intimate—touch.

When Greta called me a few weeks ago to tell me she was planning on returning to Miami, where I still live, I was delighted. We made dinner plans for a Saturday night. Since then, she didn't respond to a couple of messages that I left her. Today, a couple of days before our planned dinner date, I was CC’d on an e-mail she sent to eight people telling them she'd be in town and asking us all to meet her at a restaurant where she will be holding court on Saturday night.

I'm of two minds about this—I know she's in town for such a short period of time and this might be her only chance to see all of her friends. But I can't believe she never checked in with me about this change of plans. Should I go to this dinner (which, I'll admit, will probably be fun) or send my regrets and simper elsewhere?

Sincerely,
Greta and Me—Plus Eight I Don’t Want to See

Dear GAMPEIDWTS,

Suck it up and go to dinner with the gang. BFF designations are for sixth graders, and, from your description, I’m trying to believe that you’ve already graduated to seventh (though who doesn’t love a soused visit to the Max Factor display?). Should Greta have been more honest about the nature of the dinner? Maybe. But unless there’s a history of her acting as if each and every one of her pals is her very best in the world—until she sees the next one across the room and abandons you mid air-kiss—you have no business throwing a snit.

If, post-dinner, you still crave a tete-a-tete, invite Greta out for coffee. Though I suspect the problem is not that you long to speak with her alone, but that you like the idea of her longing to see you in similar, attention-monopolizing isolation. If the latter is true, may I suggest ordering the “Because You’re Special Gourmet Food Gift Basket”? That or get a dog.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

A couple of weeks ago I had my semi-annual phone conversation with a college friend who lives across the country. We do not keep in touch by e-mail, so there's a big data dump every time we talk. My friend had just found out that she has gone into menopause prematurely and would not be able to conceive. She was very upset and just absorbing the news, and because she and the guy she is with are not married, she expressed fear that adoption would be pretty difficult.

Because I'd had had my own struggles with infertility—struggles to which she had been privy—I informed her that after a long search I'd found an egg donor and was greatly relieved to be getting closer to having children. I told her I could help her if she wanted to pursue that course, and she responded that she wouldn't because she considers it "unethical.'' I'll be forced to see her in a few weeks when she comes into town for a mutual friend's party, but I can't get passed the idea that I'll just want to throw a bowl of hummus on her head.

Sincerely,
Middle Eastern Food Hurling Inclined

Dear MEFHI,

Tags: friend or foe, friendship, houseguests, infertility, lucinda rosenfeld

Lucinda Rosenfeld is the author of I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU: A Novel About Best Friends.

Comments

I can relate to Greta's side

By: Shelley | Mon, 06/29/2009 - 20:38

"Greta and Me—Plus Eight I Don’t Want to See:"

Here is my take as the "out of town best friend." I don't mean the specific one mentioned here (although coincidental is that I just moved FROM miami! haha). I digress. I will be going home, finally, for Thanksgiving, for the first time in about a year. There are a lot of people there who I consider VERY close friends. If you want to use the title, BFF, then use it. The thing with "best friends" is I find it too hard to keep up with that title and the expectations that come with it. I have friends I consider more like family and friends who I consider to be very near and dear to me.

Can you already see the dilema I am sure your friend is in? Im not saying she doesn't consider you A best friend, or THE best friend, but put yourself in her (our) shoes for a minute. Coming home after a long absence is tough. You want to see everyone, and then on top of that you have the reason for your visit AND obligations, and you want to spend a lot of time with family. I see her inviting everyone out as a big lets go as her way of accomplishing everything. She gets to see you and a lot of her other dear friends who she probably misses, a lot.

I have to be honest. While I can understand your disappointment about not being the shining star of the trip, I find it a bit selfish. And for you to consider not to go, even if you KNOW it'll be fun, makes you seem that much MORE selfish. If you really want to see her, you'll let your own needs go and understand she's trying to do best by EVERYONE. If you want solo time, then contact her. Remember, this isn't high school. Don't sit in the corner and sulk and assume the worst before you actually speak to her! Thats a bit unfair, don't ya think? Remember, just because YOU don't want to "see the other eight" doesn't mean Greta shouldn't have the opportunity to. If her time is short while she is there, she's just trying to make everyone happy. Be a good friend and understand that.

Oh Wow these answers sit much

By: jennies1897 | Mon, 06/29/2009 - 16:28

Oh Wow these answers sit much better with me than the last few postings in here. I cringed a bit before I clicked, but did so anyway.

With the woman who is looking to increase her fertility...it does kind of sound to me like it came up once, she cautiously approached the subject, afraid of how her offerring would be taken. It's difficult when a friend is offended by your personal choice. I'm glad that was at least brushed on - your friends don't necessarily have the same ethics you do.

Thieving guests...ugh, it's hardly worth even approaching. Especially when it comes down to cold cream, even expensive cold cream. I always take my best stuff and put it away before company's around. I learned this hanging out with college folk. They don't see anything wrong with "borrowing" a bit, but don't understand the concept of needing to continually replenish.

I'm so glad to see some MUCH better answers here than the past couple of weeks. I was really starting to think I wasn't much of a woman if I can't even remotely relate...