Friend or Foe: When Good Mothers Are Bad Friends

Illustration by Jason Raish.

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Harsh is one way of putting it; more sensitive than Aveda moisturizer is another. Yes, Louisa could have phrased her suggestion better—that is, with a generous helping of flattery and disclaimers (i.e.“Maybe this is a crazy idea, but you’re so incredibly competent and energetic and loving that I’m actually starting to think if you don’t meet someone by 40….”—and didn’t. But I suspect she really did have your happiness in mind. She hears you saying you want a child. There’s no obvious husband standing in your path. So, why not start giving some thought to Plan B?

Keep in mind that women with children consistently want the other women in their life to have children, too. I don’t know why this is—play dates are more fun with your actual friends than with random parents you meet on park benches?—but it’s true. I say, call Louisa and make amends. She can complain about her do-nothing husband; you can complain about your lack of one. What’s not to like? By the way, it’s not clear to me whose situation is preferable—yours or Louisa’s. You have the future ahead of you; she has a bad marriage and, quite possibly, an ugly custody battle.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

My formerly close friend “Haley” vanished on me after I had a baby. Or, actually, she vanished even before then. She never came to my baby shower; never sent a present; never even came over to meet Gus after he was born! Fast forward 12 months. She’s suddenly reappeared, onesie for the baby and new boyfriend in tow—she was previously single—and seems to expect me to act as if nothing happened and that she was just “really busy” at work. But I still feel hurt! Should I say something? Accept her back into my life?

Sincerely,
Can’t Stop Holding a Grudge Against Formerly Negligent Friend

Dear CSHAGAFNF,

I seem to be in a forgiving mood today, but I suggest letting it go—at least for now. Clearly, your friend Haley was jealous and didn’t know how to deal with your expanding belly. Similarly, the appearance of her own potential sperm donor has made her less threatened by the sight of all those Build-A-Bears strewn across your living room floor.

If you do feel compelled to say something, I’d wait until you two were back in regular contact. Then, be sure to play up your own suffering rather than hers (i.e. “I don’t know if you realize this, but I felt really depressed and isolated after the baby was born …”) Jealous friends tend to be more receptive to atoning for their sins if they think you’ve been miserable, too. Also, if you make the conversation a referendum on her envy, she’ll be too embarrassed and ashamed ever to talk to you again, and you’ll end up right back where you started—unless, of course, you secretly want Miss Vanishing Act to vanish again.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Have a question for Friend or Foe? Please email it to lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com