Friend or Foe: When Good Mothers Are Bad Friends

Illustration by Jason Raish.

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Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a forthcoming novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

As a woman in my early 30s, I feel stressed and alienated by the pregnancies of my close female friends. Yes, I know these friends will be wonderful mothers. Yes, I adore them. Yes, I eventually want children of my own. And yes, I believe that birth is a glorious, joyful occasion for celebration. But these feelings of happy anticipation are overshadowed by fears for the future of our adult friendships, my own anxieties about if and how I will have rug rats of my own, and the sinking feeling of loss. Thoughts?

Sincerely,
Stroller Stress

Dear SS,

Here’s a little secret: Kids are great. And also—as my friend R told me before I had my own—you never love them so much as when they’re asleep. Please don’t feel jealous of your procreating pals. Feel relieved and thankful to have a few more years to enjoy your Sunday mornings (as well as your Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday mornings). The early years of motherhood involve fleeting moments of hilarity (as little Jane asks to borrow your space ship) and lump-in-throat-isms (as she crawls unbidden into your lap and asks, “Are you sad, Mommy?”), interspersed with hour upon hour of boredom (as you read Pajama Time! for the fortieth time) and drudgery (as you dust-bust yet another dinner that’s been casually tossed on the floor).

But I understand that even a reminder that kids are a pain won’t mitigate your fear of not getting to experience 3-year-old bathroom “emergencies” in crowded shopping malls. All I can say is that, if you really want it to happen, your turn will come. You shouldn’t assume that family life will come between you and your mom friends, either. After I had my tiny terrorists—at (please note) the “advanced maternal ages” of 36 and 38—I actually found myself more inclined to socialize with my friends who didn’t have kids. Why? A) They were more available to come over. B) They were more inclined to sneak cigarettes on the front steps. C) They had gossip to share, having left their houses/apartments more than once in the previous week. In short, your friends aren’t going anywhere unless you want them to.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

Recently, after having dinner with girlfriend—I’ll call her Louisa—I went into my generic whine about not being married and wanting children (and worrying that it’s getting too late to do the latter; I’m turning 38 this year). Instead of Louisa offering the obligatory: “Hang in there; you’ll find someone, etc.”—predictable, maybe, but still reassuring—she said, “Well, you’ll just have to have a child on your own!”

I was hurt and appalled by the comment. For hours on end, I’ve listened to her complain about her husband doing zero childcare and housework, and how exhausted she is all the time, even though they employ a full-time nanny! Why on earth would she suggest I become a single mom when she’s barely coping? Honestly, when friends start imploring me to do something that they themselves would never dream of doing, I consider them to be friends no more. Am I being too harsh?

Sincerely,
If You Wouldn’t Want to Be a Single Mom Why Would I?

Dear IYWWTBASMWWI?,