Friend or Foe: The Touchy-Feely Acquaintance

Illustration by Jason Raish.

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Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

I've just moved back to the town where I grew up and reconnected with a woman—“Linda”—whom I knew in college 20 years ago. We weren't good friends then. It was more that we ended up at the same parties. In the present, however, she's pushing for a close friendship, as neither of us really knows other people here. Despite the allure of a same-age friend, I'm not sure I want what she has to offer.

My problem is that Linda wants to be too close to me, in every sense of the word. I will move my bar stool away so she can't grab my leg when she speaks to me. Rather than getting the clue, she moves hers closer. A naturally cranky person, I’ve actually told her I need more physical space. Which she disregards, saying I need to relax.

She is also too present in my virtual life. She’s always commenting on my Facebook posts (usually within minutes of the actual posting), butting into conversations (when I’m engaged in wall-to-wall chats that she isn’t part of), and posting things on my wall that should be handled offline. She even put a picture of the two of us up as her profile picture after I admitted to un-tagging all photos of me and to how much I dislike having my picture up on FB.

Truly, I don't need friends for this behavior. (I thought that was what family was for?) Is she too much, or am I too little? To be fair, my friends make fun of how much I dislike touchy people (maybe this is why I'm still single?) and especially space invaders who ignore personal boundaries.

Sincerely,
Give Me Some Space, Woman

Dear GMSSW,

A friend of mine once posited that all of humankind can be broken down into dogs and cats. Dogs run to the door to greet their owners; cats, on the other hand, upon hearing the key in the lock, slink away to be alone. It’s interesting that you self-identify as the ultimate cat. And yet you’ve managed to friend-hook-up with a woman who sounds like a borderline stalker. Honestly, I’m surprised you’ve managed to spend more than five minutes with this woman without wielding a weapon!

People sitting and standing too close when I talk to them is one of my pet peeves, too. So I especially sympathize with that part of your complaint. If you want Linda to back off—but also hope to preserve the friendship—make it about yourself. Tell her you have anxiety issues that make you break out in hives when others get too near (and would she mind scooting backward, preferably by 50 feet?).

If, on the other hand, you long for Linda to scoot all the way out of the bar, never to be seen again, you can always go into your FB privacy settings, type in the woman’s name, and click “block.” (Getting de-friended sends a pretty clear message.) But are you sure you want to, fuzzy feline?

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

Denise and I became friends because she was married to my oldest guy friend, Bob. Fast-forward two years: Bob has moved out, but keeps telling Denise that he wants to stay married. And she’s gone along with it. What she doesn’t know is that he’s overdrawn their bank account, isolated her from mutual friends, and even signed a lease without her, then lied about it. She’s also partially supporting him. The one time I suggested it might be better for her to get a divorce, she told me I was attacking her. She has also said that she’s afraid of being alone. I find the situation depressing, and it makes me want to withdraw from her.