Friend or Foe: Stop Obsessing About My Virginity

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

My best friend “Taylor” and I have been friends for more than eight years, going back to high school. We share the same outlook on a lot of things, but lately we’ve been having the same fight over and over. I have a problem with her butting in on my sex life or, really, my lack of one. I’m a twentysomething virgin who is waiting for the right time—and who has been treated like a leper when people find out about the status of my hymen.

My best friend, who is a steadfast Christian, has been very vocal about why I should save myself for my future husband. The thing is, she has had many sex times before, and hardly within the confines of marriage. Now, with her newfound wisdom, she’s appointed herself guardian of my chastity. She's told me that being a virgin is what makes me “special,” and if I have sex, my “specialness” will disappear. She’s making me feel guilty for something I haven't even done yet. I know I’m going to be in relationships, and I'd rather have a friend who will help me rather than scold me. I care about her as I would a sister, but I'm getting tired of constantly defending my choices. Should I break off our friendship or try to work it out with her?

Sincerely,
Reserving the Right To Discard My Chastity Belt When Mr. Right Presents Himself

Dear RTRTDMCBWMRPH,

As a relative late bloomer myself, I can imagine how your virginity has simultaneously become a point of pride and a total nightmare. But it’s YOUR Halloween II, not your friend’s. Having already had her kicks, Taylor has some nerve dictating who you do or don’t bring to bed! Seriously, who told this woman she was the pope?

And when you do make the decision to hand in your V-card, you also have the right either to make a huge production out of the matter with Mr. Right or just get it over with by doing Mr. Wrong. In the meantime, you need to have a nice long chat with Her Holiness. Tell her you’re happy she considers you so special, but that by papal decree, she needs to ex-communicate on the issue of where and when you untether that specialness. Instead, it’s a conversation you need to have with yourself and your God. Explain that you’ve been under a lot of stress. You might also note that she wouldn’t understand, not being a virgin.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

My longtime best friend and I were both perpetually single until she went online and met her fiance. Getting married is the first life event that “Leslie” has been through before I have, and I'm happy to celebrate her day. Except the specifics seem a little … personal. Though she and the fiance have both lived in a different state for years, she is coming back to our hometown where I still live to get married. (Her family's here, so that part I get.) But the ceremony is also on my birthday. With bridesmaids wearing my favorite color, a shade I would have used for my wedding—and she said once that she doesn’t even like teal! I fully realize this is petty, but I can't help feeling as though the wedding specifics are a little bit of an in-my-face jab at how she's getting married first. Am I overreacting?

Sincerely,
There's No Place Like Our Hometown On My Birthday at Your Wedding