Friend or Foe: Pretending to Be Poor for My New Friends

Dear Friend or Foe,

A couple of months ago, I stopped talking to a close friend of mine, “Danielle.” She is very competitive and jealous—and was always talking about me behind my back, though she treated me like a long-lost sister to my face. After two years of her lying about everything and insulting and copying me, I had enough! I talked to her about it, and she bawled as if I’d shattered her world. The next day, she pretended she didn't remember what had happened. She even told her friends that I was the one being difficult—and she was trying to talk to me about it.

I tried to break up with Danielle two more times, and each time it only got worse. She turned her family against me. I went over to their house several times, not knowing that they hated me. It was all very awkward. I finally took my best friend’s advice and dropped her. A couple of days went by, and everything was good in life again. A month later, however, she started calling and texting me. And all her messages were friendly and complimentary. I found it difficult not to answer because I was nostalgic for how close we used to be, but I summoned the courage not to respond.

It seemed as if she’d finally gotten the hint. But nine months later, she's trying to talk to me again. She nonchalantly passes by my house and runs into me “by accident.” The situation is starting to border on stalker-ish. I’d tell her to leave me alone, and I'm not afraid to do so, but she already knows how I feel. Should I continue to ignore her, or should I confront her again?

Sincerely,
Can You Please Take the Hint Already?

Dear CYPTTHA,

The woman is persistent. I’ll give her that. I suppose you could choose to feel flattered that Danielle has gone to such tremendous lengths to resuscitate a friendship that’s clearly surpassed its sell-by date. That said, I have to wonder what you were doing hanging out at her family’s home—if by that point you’d already decided to call it quits. By which I mean: Are you sure you’re not sending mixed signals?? Or are you alluding to one instance when you went over there to break up with her again?? In any case, since face-to-face apparently gets you nowhere with this Single White Female, I suggest writing a letter similar to the one you wrote me.

In respectful but firm tones, explain why you’ve ended the friendship and ask that she honor your decision and leave you alone. If in the future Danielle grows truly stalker-y, you can always file for a restraining order. But (hopefully) the situation is far more benign than that. Just be sure to look out the window before you answer the door bell. (If it’s Dani, you’re not home.) And if she sidles up to you at the 7-Eleven, smile politely, mutter “Hi,” and make for the check-out.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

A couple of years ago, while living overseas, I rented a room in a house with three roommates who had known one another for years—and quickly became friends with all three. A year after my relocation, one of the roommates, “Ann,” asked to come visit me for three weeks. I was excited to see her and spent considerable time and money planning a road trip. Two weeks before her arrival, another of our old roommates—“George”—decided to come as well. I was just as excited to see him, but he made it clear that he didn't want to follow my carefully budgeted plan. So I canceled what reservations I could without losing too much money and agreed to try to take an unstructured road trip.

Upon their arrival, I quickly felt more like a chauffeur than a friend. Ann and George decided where they wanted to go, demanded I drive them there, and ignored me when my services weren't needed. They routinely offered to buy lunch or drinks for each other, though neither ever offered to so much as help me pay for gas as I drove them around. After five days of this, I suggested they get a rental car and drove home. I didn't talk to them again until *I* called. And I only did so because they’d stayed at a hotel under a reservation I’d made for Ann and me—but had upgraded their room and managed to get the hotel to put the charges on my credit card!