Life
Friend or Foe: My Purse is Not an ATM
Our advice columnist on why friends don’t let friends borrow money.
Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy for You, a just-published novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.
Dear Friend or Foe,
A close friend of mine—I’ll call her Andrea—borrowed $50 from me last month to cover dinner and a taxi and promised to pay me back. I’ve seen her at least twice since that night, and she hasn’t once mentioned owing me money! I don’t know if she’s conveniently forgotten, or just plain old forgotten. But it’s pretty clear to me that if I don’t raise the subject, I’m never going to see my moolah again. What’s stopping me from bringing it up? I guess I’m worried that, by asking her, I’ll look really petty and make the friendship awkward. For the record, neither of us is rolling in dough at the moment. I manage a book store/cafe (you can imagine the salary), and Andrea recently lost her job in advertising. Though I understand that she got a pretty decent severance package ... The other part of the story that’s annoying me is that, when Andrea asked me to spot her, we were in a restaurant directly across the street from a corner grocery with a big sign in the window that said, “ATM machine.” I’m honestly starting to think that she borrowed money without any intention of ever paying me back!
Sincerely,
Am I Being a Total Cheap-o or Do I Have the Right to Reclaim My Hard Earned Cash?
Dear AIBATCODIHTRTRMHEC,
In Pudd’nhead Wilson, Mark Twain wrote, “The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.” But, really, the only people who should ever borrow money from each other are immediate family members, and even then: Beware. The average Jane would almost rather you slept with her boyfriend than raided her bank account. (My husband is an economist, so I happen to know the fancy word to describe the particular terror of watching the boldface number on one’s Fidelity annual statement plummet: “loss aversion.”)
That said, let’s agree that, in the big picture, 50 bucks, whether in the plus or minus category, is not going to make a big difference to your life. Please note that we’re talking about one pair of Dr. Scholl's / case of Red Bull / standing room ticket to the Lion King here. Unless you’re a complete skinflint, I suspect what’s really bothering you is not the actual dough but Andrea’s failure to allude to its dispensation. At this point, however, it’s your failure to raise the issue with your friend—since it’s bothering you so much—that strikes Friend or Foe as both odd and even a little on the passive aggressive side. Is it not possible that Andrea, who likely has a lot on her mind right now (i.e. finding a new job), has genuinely forgotten?
If you can’t get out the words, “Hey, can I have my 50 bucks back?”—words which are perfectly justified on your part—I suggest playing the recession card. Open with, a “Hey, I’m sorry to bother you about this, but I’m completely broke right now and could really use back that ...” I guarantee you’ll feel better afterward. And maybe next time Andrea leans on a friend, she’ll remember it’s a loan, not a winning lottery ticket.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
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Comments
my billfold is not a loan shark
By: alalcibiades | Sun, 09/13/2009 - 23:51
Whoever wrote, “...you shouldn't lend money if you aren't prepared to lose it,” was right on the mark.
With that in mind, I never lend money, I only give it. If a friend needs and I have, it’s theirs. I tell them up front that I don’t expect it back, and I never think about it again. That way if they do repay it, I’m pleasantly surprised.
Friends are rare things, far more precious than mere money. Cash comes and goes, but one way or another I know I’ll always make it through somehow. Ever since they abolished debtor's prisons there isn’t really anything to worry about.
Life is too short to allow dead presidents to come between me and my friends. I’m glad for the opportunity to help, and since the only real value of money is when it can bring happiness, then I’m thrilled to do whatever I can, whenever I can.
Frankly, rather than be repaid, I tell people to help someone else someday. Pay it forward. It’s good karma.
Though I have never had a
By: shin | Thu, 09/10/2009 - 02:06
Though I have never had a child, I have drifted apart from a friend in a similar way. I gave similar excuses, no time, etc., but the real reason that I didn't feel like taking her calls was because I was tired of listening to her talk about herself all the time.
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Hmmm...
By: claireific | Mon, 08/03/2009 - 14:18
I agree with the previous post that your pregnant friend may be depressed. Moms with postpartum depression often feel ashamed to be depressed when they're "supposed" to be overjoyed with their new baby, and so won't talk about it or ask for help. Pushing away people you love and enjoy being with is a sign of depression, so while she may just be a bad friend, she may also be depressed.
Also, $50 is nothing?! $50 is what I spend on food in a month. Not getting that loan back would mean going hungry. I'd be livid if a friend decided I didn't need to repaid and just let it slide for her own convenience.
50 dollars IS alot of money
By: Sisi | Tue, 07/14/2009 - 19:27
I am a full time junior engineer. After taxes I take home approx 15.50 an hour. Therefore 50 dollars is 3.5 hours I spent at work doing calculations in front of a computer. If I had my choice I rather spend 3.5 hours doing something other than that. So why would I give a friend those 3.5 hours so that she can get a free dinner and a free cab ride? Maybe if that had been my original intent as a present, but not when it was under the guise of a loan to be paid back next time I saw her. It should be someone's choice whether or not they want to gift money to another person, not that person's decision to avoid the topic and not pay it back b/c they don't want to.
Get your money back, if this friend makes you feel petty for doing so then she's no friend.
The money question
By: Moxie | Tue, 07/14/2009 - 16:12
In regards to borrowing or loaning money to and from friends, I disagree with two of Rosenfeld's statements:
1. That one should only loan money to immediate family members.
2. That $50 isn't much.
Both make assumptions. I seldom speak to my immediate family members, so why would they be the only people I'd loan money to? My circle of friends are far closer to me than my living family members. As for how meaningful an amount $50 is, yes, it's true, one can make do without it, but $50 is not nothing. If I gave that to a friend, I'd want it back and, at many points in my life, I'd NEED it back.
I think it's a grand idea to loan money to your friends, so long as you have open lines of communication about when the loan will be repaid and what will happen if the borrower cannot repay the amount at the agreed upon time. I have loaned money to friends and I have borrowed money from friends and only once in many years and exchanges has that not gone well (a friend borrowed $260 from me and spent it on crack. Needless to say, she never paid it back!). What are friends for but to be there for each other when times are tough? I have never understood this idea that one's generosity shouldn't extend to financial matters. Honestly! There have been many times when I had money coming to me, but in the meanwhile I was broke (and many friends who have also been in that situation). I asked friends to bridge the gap, and when I have been the one who was flush, I have bridged the gap for them. So much more civilized. So much more human.
If I were giving advice to the woman who wrote the letter, I'd advise her to simply ask her friend to repay the money. No apologies necessary. No anger either. Just simple words!
Moxie
Friend or Foe
By: azmallqueen | Tue, 07/14/2009 - 15:05
I know it can be difficult to lose a friend to parenthood because this is supposed to be a happy time to share with the mom-to-be, while those of us that are childless (by choice) are surprised when even a quick email or text of 'hi, there!' isn't responded to for months. We're long past the day of quil and ink post, there's no reason an email can't be returned within the same month it was sent. But if this friend truly wanted to enjoy the pleasure of your friendship, she'd make time. All of my friends are married and/or have children, they have jobs, hobbies, other friends and they all make time to at least drop me a line. The exception is one former friend who played princess when she got married, told me I wasn't a 'real' adult because I don't want children and ended our friendship by her 2nd child; she got angry I didn't acknowledge her 2nd newborn, I pointed out she'd forgotten my b-day 3yrs in a row. Her response? 'That's different! This is important!' Its painful but let the friendship go and focus on those who are happy to hear from you and don't think you're a bother.
Re: Childless & Chafed
By: Luckier | Tue, 07/14/2009 - 14:10
Wouldn't the first (best) step be to contact the pregnant-with-toddler friend and say "hey friend, you've been pretty distant, and I know your life is busy with different things than my life, but you're important to me and I'd like to keep you as a friend until those different things grow a little older and you have time for yourself and your friendships again" or something like that? Perhaps ask her if it's easier to email than to call, or if I (letter writer) did something to make her mad, or is she depressed or overwhelmed, etc.?
How I deal with it
By: Derek | Tue, 07/14/2009 - 14:05
Over the years my rule of thumb has been that I only give one loan at a time to friends or family. And it doesn't matter whether the loan is 50 cents or 50 dollars. I never ask for them to pay it back BUT I never lend them anything else until they've paid back what they owe me. This works well for small(ish) amounts. Anything big should be covered by a written document in any case even if it's being lent to family or friends.
I reckon that if the friendship's worth less than 100 dollars it's not worth much, so I would never spoil a friendship over such a relatively small amount. However the "one loan at a time" rule let's me find out who I can trust and stops those I can't from taking advantage. So if I don't get the money back from someone, I look on it as money paid to find out how trustworthy they really are. That doesn't mean to say that I won't be friendly to such a person. After all they may well have other good points that make them a good person and a good friend. Just that I won't want to rely on them keeping their word.
My Purse Is Not An ATM
By: Opethia | Tue, 07/14/2009 - 13:40
$50 can be a big deal - that's 25% of my grocery budget. Someone you trust not paying you back hurts, but you shouldn't lend money if you aren't prepared to lose it.
Never loan -- always GIFT
By: MichB1 | Tue, 07/14/2009 - 13:30
This is not only good for your soul and avoids hard feelings, the receiver will pay you back if they're really a friend, and get their own good Karma, too.
$50 is a small price to pay for a really good friend, even if you're scraping. But because of the way this went down, you're both at your worst here.
My sympathies! You're human. We've all been there!