Friend or Foe: My Pal Is Taking Percocet!

Illustration by Jason Raish.

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Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

I recently found out that my former best friend, “Dani,” is selling her painkillers to another friend of mine, “Ned.” Ned is married with two children, and I’m good friends with both him and his wife.

Dani and I were close friends dating back to grade school—until I realized a few years ago that I’d be better off distancing myself from her. She is a very jealous and judgmental person. We still speak occasionally. It was a mutual friend who told me about the pills.

My question is: Do I tell Ned’s wife what Ned is doing? Do I tell Ned that I know what he’s doing? Or do I just keep my mouth shut? Ned is supposedly spending about $100 a month on 30 pills.

Also, Dani knows how close I am with all others involved. So I’m left wondering why she would spread this news, knowing full well that I would find out and be put in this position. The friend who told me about the situation does not really know the married couple, but knows how much I cherish their friendship.

Sincerely,
Know Too Much and Freaked About It

Dear KTMAFAI,

“Be put in this position”? I get the feeling that you think Dani has somehow done you wrong. I’m not condoning the unlicensed sale of controlled substances. I also understand that you’re concerned about your friend Ned. But there’s no reason to believe Dani thought twice about you while revealing her “side business” to your other friend—especially since you and Dani are no longer close. For all you know, Dani revealed her criminal activities to your other friend in confidence—confidence then betrayed when that friend passed on the information to you.

As for the question of Ned’s pill-popping, I don’t have enough information to pass judgment. Does he suffer from a chronic condition? Does he have a history of drug abuse? Has he recently lost his health insurance? Is he giving said meds to another friend? If you’re genuinely concerned about his well-being, I suggest you start by talking to the man himself. Tell him you heard through the grapevine that he’s buying drugs off Dani, and ask him why he’s doing so. If he’s in actual pain, suggest he consult a doctor. If he’s “self-medicating,” point him in the direction of a counselor.

If he brushes you off—and the situation gets noticeably worse (i.e., you start noticing a change in behavior)—then, yes, you might need to go to his wife. But I would leave her out of it for the time being. Ned is a big boy, and you’ll only end up looking like a tattletale. Moreover, she might know more than she’s letting on right now. (Spouses/live-in partners often do.)

Since you and Dani are no longer tight, I would also leave her out of your fact-finding mission. Never mind your law-enforcement mission. That is, let someone else turn her into the authorities—unless you want to start an all-out friend war.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

I have a friend—Daisy—whom I met about 10 years ago when we were both young and single. At first, our friendship was based on going out to parties and picking up guys. Also, we have a similar sense of humor. However, things changed once I met my (now) husband. Once he and I were together, she was rude to us both. For the next two years, we didn’t speak.

Then, three years ago, my husband and I bought our first home. As it turned out, Daisy was our neighbor. We became friends again and I remembered why we had first connected. But in the last year or so, the same “issues” arose. However, there was a big difference this time: Last spring, she told me she had cancer.