Our friendship advice columnist on how to deal with guests who overstay their welcome.

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

I’ve had a small group of close girlfriends since college. Even though we've all gone our separate ways since graduation, we’ve managed to stay connected. Recently, one of the girls—“Ashley”—got engaged to a guy she met through me. I was and still am very happy for her. But on the night she chose to celebrate her news, I had an injured dog, and my grandfather was in the hospital for a severely blocked artery. Even to me they sound like excuses, but the events were very real and stressful.

Ashley hasn't spoken to me since then, except to send me a message via Facebook to tell me that they’re getting married in Florida in October—and to ask if I “want more information on going.” Despite my anger, confusion, and disgust at being “invited” over Facebook, I asked for the details. That was two weeks ago. She has yet to reply. Now I’m wondering if she actually wants me to go to her wedding. Also, should I call her or wait to hear from her? And if I call her, how do I keep from showing my irritation that I have to work this hard for an invitation?

Sincerely,
Is a Paper Invite Too Much To Ask For?

Dear IAPITMTAF?,

Guess what: You’re invited to the wedding, but only barely. Clearly, Ashley is still pissed at you for dissing her engagement party/gathering/whatnot. The Facebook “invite” seems to me to be a way of telling you that the door is still open—for you to apologize. After which point she’ll be happy to drop an envelope in the mail. Short of that gesture on your part, she’d just as soon you didn’t come.

Since apologies are cheap, why not offer one? I have no doubt that your pets and relatives were giving you ulcers at the time. But it’s also true that you probably could have come up with a dog or grandpa sitter for the night, no? Since you introduced Ashley to her man, you likely represent a crucial plot point in her mind regarding the story of their romance. I’m not surprised she wanted you there to celebrate the happy ending.

My advice is to call (or e-mail, if you’re feeling wimpy) and tell Ashley you still feel bad about missing her engagement festivities, and that you hope you can make it up to her in the Sunshine State. If she rebuffs you again, feel free to throw up your hands. But I doubt she will.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

I spent the summer in Rome. (My work is such that I can go wherever I like.) A friend—“Trish”—invited herself to visit for 11 days. I told her that was too long, and she said it wouldn't be worth the jet lag to shorten her stay. So I agreed. My mistake.

I know a fair amount about art and history, and I took her around to see the sights. I have a one-room place, and after seven days of tours (led by me) and literally nonstop togetherness (i.e., every meal), I told her that I needed to work and that she was on her own. She went out for two hours and returned. I told her to go out again. Not once for the remainder of the trip did she volunteer to explore on her own. She bought my dinner only once.

The night before she left, I told her that I was annoyed she hadn’t taken more initiative. I also said that when receiving so much hospitality, it was standard etiquette to think of what one's host might need. In response, she said that she figured that if I wanted something I would ask for it.

Tags: Facebook, friend or foe, lucinda rosenfeld, marriage, travel

Lucinda Rosenfeld is the author of I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU: A Novel About Best Friends.

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