Life
Friend or Foe: My Guest Wants to Bring Her Demon Children
How to deal with bad mommies who are good friends.
Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.
Dear Friend or Foe,
I'm at a loss over a situation with a close friend of mine who recently had a baby. When “Kelly” was pregnant, she was at my house nearly every day, hanging out, asking if various pregnancy symptoms were normal, and playing with my kids as "practice." I helped her deal with the mood swings and hormones. I tried to comfort her after she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her throughout the pregnancy. (He went so far as to spit in her face on her birthday when she caught him coming out of a bar with another girl, but that’s another story.) When Kelly's daughter was born, I went to see them at the hospital. That was the last time I saw the baby.
The same day Kelly got out of the hospital, she dropped the baby off with her mom and went running around town to hang out with her despicable dude. Every weekend, she leaves the baby with someone and goes out drinking. I stopped talking to Kelly because I think the way she's behaving is absolutely ridiculous. I understand that moms need a break sometimes (Lord knows, I do!) but do you really need to go get plastered at a club before your baby is even a week old? The real kicker was when she showed up at my house at 2:30 in the morning, stumbling around drunk, screaming that she missed me, and wanting to know why I hadn't been talking to her.
Should I try to help Kelly out? Or should I just move on before her antics drive me insane? I've tried to help her in the past, but she's too stubborn to listen to any advice, and then wants to know why bad things always happen to her.
Sincerely,
My Friend Makes Britney Spears Look Like Mother Earth
Dear MFMBSLLME,
Kelly sounds like a real keeper! (Not.) But, really, it’s amazing you’ve made it this far into a friendship with a woman this out to lunch—or maybe I should say, “out to liquor.” The boyfriend might be literally cheating, but Kelly is cheating both herself and her child of any hope of a happy (read: functional) life.
I’m of the belief that you don’t “owe” anyone anything in this world. But if you want to be a good friend, sit the woman down and find out what’s going on in her head. If Kelly is suffering from postpartum depression—the most generous reading of the situation—call your doctor and find out the name of a medical professional to whom you can refer her. If, on the other hand, she’s just a “mom gone wild,” tell her you love and care for her but that you can’t sit passively and watch her life go down the diaper genie. You might also mention that, if she keeps up the Britney impression, she’ll end up losing her child to foster care.
You could also consider playing fairy godmother to the poor little thing whose cruel fate it was in life to get Kelly as a mother—and who is getting about as much TLC right now as Kelly is out of her expectorating beau. No doubt Kelly will take advantage of any offer on your part to baby-sit. That is, don’t be surprised if she shows up with the kid’s wardrobe, stroller, changing table, and crib—and a number to call in case you ever need to reach her again. But at least you’ll be exposing Little Timmy/Tammy/Tequila to the look and feel of a happy home. (Don’t forget to feel lucky that you have one.)
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe,
I have a friend of 20 years, “Janie,” who has spawned demon children. Well, OK, they weren't born that way, but she's parented them to be scary. By the time they were walking, I was spending as little time as possible with them.
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Comments
demon spawn
By: Larikatz | Sun, 09/13/2009 - 19:25
Thank you. I, too, spawned demon children, only their horns didn't sprout until their late teens. You are right -- nurture can only take them so far before nature takes over.
I Registered to Agree with Carrot
By: Automne | Thu, 09/10/2009 - 16:31
And also to comment regarding the first letter about "Kelly." Although it's extremely tragic that Kelly is negligent toward her baby, I really disagree with the advice issued here (specifically that the writer of the letter should take the child in). This stems from the a trend I've observed recently among all the new mothers I know: it seems that they procreate for other people, dumping the kid off with Grandma as soon as it touches air. Kelly needs a stern talking-to, not another option for a free babysitter.
If she has postpartum depression, she needs help immediately. If she's just an irresponsible party girl, she shouldn't have had a kid in the first place. In today's economy, it's rather silly to suggest that "close friends" should be forced to take on the burden of someone else's child. I would talk to Kelly again, explain that her baby has a high chance of winding up in foster care, and if this behavior continues, I would wash my hands of her. No one needs friends who can't even put their kids' needs first.
And regarding the Demon Babies: I don't get why the advice columnist recommends valuing potentially hurt feelings over the personal safety of defenseless pets and kids. Although the letter-writer herself treads in dangerous territory by having a massive gathering that involves kids, the other kids are probably controllable enough to be allowed in public, or at least their parents know how to stop them in time. I would recommend to the friend that she leave the little angels with the father (long trip, little space, etc) and come alone if she wants to join the fun for a few days.
You can't "cure" Janie's kids.
By: violetprofusion | Thu, 09/10/2009 - 10:15
And additionally: Being "put in charge" of younger children and pets is not going to "tame" or "cure" Janie's hellions. If these kids really do have behavioral issues that cause them to act out and be disruptive, it's fine to be sympathetic to their plight--but it's utterly ludicrious to assume that they just need a dose of responsibility and self-actualization to "cure" them and make them straighten up. If you tell them to take care of the younger kids and pets, it will probably confuse them, make them resentful, or cause them to act out further. It is a recipe for disaster.
Like I said in my prior comment, Janie may very well need a sympathetic friend, and her boys may very well deserve a chance. But as I said, the stakes are currently too high for this experiment. Don't road-test their maturity and goodwill on creatures smaller and weaker than they are.
Finally, I wanted to emphasize my prior point: Tell Janie you'd be glad to have her for the festivities at your home, but express regret that there's no room for her and her kids to stay. Be polite, but firm. And do this WELL IN ADVANCE. If Janie wants to come, she'll have to find a hotel. End of story, finito, done. Don't let her twist your arm. Don't let her wheedle her way into a stay in your guest bedroom. Can you imagine the horror and mayhem that would happen if you offered the guest bedroom to Janie and her crew, and then demanded that they find a Days Inn as soon as they flushed your favorite goldfish? It's honestly VERY difficult to find hotel accommodations in a strange city on short notice--and demanding that someone do so in the heat of a very angry and catastrophic moment? This is horrible advice, Lucinda.
Lucinda Rosenfeld must be
By: katherinekatherine | Thu, 09/10/2009 - 00:22
absolutely nuts to think that giving the demon children the 'responsibility' of watching over the younger kids will tame them. Plus, being sensitive to a friend's problems and frustrations is one thing, but allowing those little 'demon' problems to break items in your home and probably mar what should be a fun gathering is ridiculous. For everyone's sanity, and probably for the safety of the children and pets, 'Janie' and her kids should stay in a hotel in the first place. With their track record, why risk it? It won't end well.
Those kids need to be watched
By: shin | Wed, 09/09/2009 - 23:58
Those kids need to be watched like a hawk or totally removed from the scene.
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Demon Children
By: Thought Bubbles | Wed, 09/09/2009 - 22:03
Hmmmmm....as the parent of a child with Asberger's Syndrome, I cannot help but make a few observations.
It's wrong to assume that when you see children acting out that it is the result of bad parenting. What you may be seeing is an exhausted parent who is struggling to bring a child under control when the wrong move can lead to further escalation of the problem. The scornful looks and comments hurt.
Whether or not a child has an underlying mental health issue, cruelty to animals is not a good sign.
Places with a lot of people and a lot going on are overwhelming for any kid. If money is not the issue, a hotel would be a great retreat for them to have available.
This is the best advice columnist you can find, Double X?
By: carrot | Wed, 09/09/2009 - 19:31
I registered just to say: Seriously?
a) Invite badly-behaved children, whom you think have the potential/likelihood to be violent, to stay in your home! Three days' worth of agonizing fun for the whole family! Yes, think of your friend's feelings, sure, but think of your own safety and sanity, and those of your family, first. The friend was invited. The kids weren't. Break it to her gently. But break it to her. If she were really mortified, she would be doing something about it--counselors, therapists, kiddie boot camp, something.
b) "everyone lies (especially when put on the spot). And anyone who doesn’t admit that is lying." Ah, the favorite line of ex-boyfriends everywhere. Everyone poops, too, but civilized people don't shit on the street, and civilized people only tell the following lies: "You look wonderful!" "I had a great time." "It's delicious." What do you say when you see her? Nothing, because you don't see her. You see someone on the other side of the room that you need to talk to.
I don't know why I keep reading this column. Well, except to laugh at it. At least this time we were spared the classic "My advice is: you're jealous."
demons in waiting
By: Froglex | Wed, 09/09/2009 - 17:01
The anecdotal evidence should put people on guard that relaxing monitoring could generate memories that are unforgettable for the wrong reasons. If you can not or are uninterested in eyes-on 24/7 supervision I would doubt the experience would be worth going through. It could be they are crying for help for limits to their behavior through their behavior. Do you want to be the person who answers that call during an important event? If not, and mom's participation is important, consider securing professional help in minding, either on or off premises. If that is not a financial option reconsider their staying with you. This does not sound like the ideal time to present the children with temptation they cannot avoid. What if the consequences were tragic? Who would be held accountable? Now is the time to think it all the way through.
send the demon spawn to a hotel
By: feministworkingmom | Wed, 09/09/2009 - 15:42
I wouldn't even invite them to stay in my home. No thanks. Motel 6 is down the street.
demon spawn
By: Woodwoman | Wed, 09/09/2009 - 10:48
Telling the kids you expect them to be grown up is one thing, expecting them to supervise the younger kids is disaster. It only hastens the baby-flushing and pet dismemberment. Those kids need to be watched like a hawk or totally removed from the scene. It also might be their "nature" to be this way, but a parent's job is to raise and civilize a kid, not just let them grow up to their own "nature." I also wouldn't hesitate to discipline these kids if they get out of line. That will cause mama to swoop down to "protect" her kids and maybe would get her to leave, which would be a bonus and the safest and sanest thing for all concerned.
I would not normally suggest disciplining another's child, however, I don't think these kids would be affected or hurt by it and it's important to establish boundaries, especially with demon spawn.