Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.
Dear Friend or Foe,
I’m in my 30s and have been friends with “Erin” since we were 6. Erin is getting married next month. I think she's making a mistake. I like her fiance as a person, but he strung her along for nine years as she waited for some kind of commitment beyond, "I like you a lot." (He said he didn't believe in marriage, so she left him. Three times. And kept going back.) She also frequently complains to me that their sex life is nearly nonexistent. What’s more, she confided last year that he admitted to having a one-night stand with another man. I am certain this guy is gay and that he is marrying her because they are best friends and she can be his "beard." In fact, she expressed fears about his sexuality just a few months before he proposed.
I happen to be a bisexual person in a committed, monogamous, hetero-marriage, so I'm not judging him based solely on one bicurious episode. But a couple that only has sex twice a year before they walk down the aisle seems destined for serious intimacy issues.
Should I suck it up, play along, and hope she knows what she's getting into? Or should I say something? Please note that, since we live in different states, I haven't been around to witness any of this. I only know what she's told me. And all her other friends (who live near her) seem ecstatic that they're finally getting hitched. I’ve also agreed to participate in the wedding ...
Sincerely,
Help—My Friend Is Marrying a Gay Man
Dear HMFIMAGM,
“But love is blind and lovers cannot see; The pretty follies that themselves commit; For if they could, Cupid himself would blush,” Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice. In short, mind your own beeswax. Erin apparently finds the guy irresistible, and—guess what—she’s the only one who has to do so. Plus, she’s had 10 years to realize the guy plays for the wrong team (and it apparently hasn’t stopped her from wanting to referee). Nor will she be the first straight woman to marry a gay man. Or a bisexual man, or whatever. If Sex and the City taught us anything, it was that many women secretly prefer the company of gay husbands to straight ones. (Fewer Super Bowl parties, more shopping expeditions, anyone?)
As for Erin and Not-Quite-Straight’s sex life, what do you care, so long as you’re not being asked to make a threesome? Please also note that, for many married couples, sex plays a role so minimal that laundry is always prioritized. It’s also possible that Erin is planning an open marriage and just hasn’t told anyone about it.
In any case, it seems ironic that someone who goes both ways and yet maintains a committed hetero relationship (i.e., you!) would doubt a man’s ability to do the same.
Of course, if Not-Quite-Straight starts fooling around post-wedding, the honeymoon period will probably be over faster than you can say Tuscany. In the meantime, please attend your friend’s wedding with bells on (and a big smile on your face). Erin’s really psyched. You should be, too.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe,
I had a childhood best friend, “Mary,” who was like a sister. Our families were really close and we saw each other all the time until she moved away when we were both 11. We kept in touch as best we could but quickly lost contact. All these years I've missed her, wondered how she was, and basically felt a huge sense of loss. I've been searching for her online as long as online searches have been possible, but her incredibly common name meant I had no luck tracking her down.
A year ago, Mary joined Facebook, and I found her. She accepted my friend request, but there was no joyful reunion, just a couple of brief, casual messages. I can accept that she may not have felt the loss of our childhood friendship as acutely as I did. But here's the catch: Two years ago, I learned that the reason her family moved out of state is that my mother and her father had an affair.
My parents subsequently divorced, and it seems that hers stayed together. It was a chaotic and painful time for me—and probably for her, as well. I long to be able to talk to her about this terrible experience we both shared. But there's the chance that she has no idea what happened. And I worry it would be cruel and selfish to tell her if she doesn’t already know.
I suppose she could be entertaining the same fear. At any rate, I find myself visiting her Facebook page longingly and feeling stupidly melancholic and powerless to resolve anything. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Obsessed With Spilling Beans to Long-Lost Friend
Dear OWSBTLLF,
Wow, that’s quite a story. It seems to me that there are two separate issues here. One is that you long to reconnect with your childhood best friend who vanished on the cusp of adolescence. Which seems only natural. Curiosity and nostalgia are both powerful agents. The modern twist is that, thanks to search engines and social networking, we can now find out what happened to Little Carly From Down the Block. Which is cool, sort of, but also, maybe, just a little bit of a bummer?
The other issue is that you recently learned a new sordid detail regarding your parents’ divorce. You don’t say whether you were already aware that the chasm was due to or at least aided by infidelity. Either way, judging from your letter, I’m guessing that you have yet to work out all your feelings connected to this traumatic childhood event. Have you ever talked about what happened with a therapist? If not, this might be the time to splurge (and purge).
As for spilling legumes to Mary, before you go there you need to figure out what you hope to gain by telling her. Are you looking for someone to share and validate your pain? Are you secretly looking for some kind of apology? Are you hoping she has further details to add to the story, so you can better understand how it happened?
The real problem with telling Mary is not that you risk hurting her—though there is always that possibility, too—but that there is no context for it. As things currently stand, your “friendship” with Mary is a phantasm, built entirely out of ancient memories. You were friends as young children, which is not the same thing as being friends as adults, or even as teenagers. It seems to me that you’d want to achieve a certain level of closeness (again) before you’d dare to “go there.” If that’s not going to happen, I’d leave well enough alone.
One of the hardest things about growing up is accepting that some things (broken hearts, for one—but also broken families), can never be resolved.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe,
I'm writing to ask about your take on the person who chronically cancels plans at the last minute—namely, my friend “Petyon.” Make that, she makes plans, but then doesn't show up at least half the time. Of those occasions, she might actually TELL you she's bailing on you 25 percent of the time. The rest, you're left wondering what happened to her, texting her, texting other friends, or assuming she's bailed yet again. It concerned my group of friends the first couple times, but now this girl is notorious for it and if she doesn't show up, nobody is worrying about her too much.
What's worse is that while you know it's coming, you still feel bad when she does it. I can't tell if this is a personal sensitivity of mine, but it definitely makes me think of times when I was a kid or young teenager when I felt like the friend had found something better to do, someone cooler to hang out with, and I wasn't anyone to worry about.
There's so much about her behavior that's disrespectful, and if she were just any friend I'd move on and not bother with her. But the kicker is that she's a coworker and at the center of my group of work friends. There's no way to ditch her without ditching the group in some way, even though we all agree the behavior is awful. We have told her how rude it is, asked her to at least text us that she won't be coming so we know she's OK, but she's still no better than she used to be. How do I handle the behavior, and also the insecurities she brings up in me?
Sincerely,
Chronic Canceller Playing On My Fears of Being Not Cool Enough
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Comments
MYOB
By: She8MyHeadAlready | Thu, 10/29/2009 - 15:18
You're not acting like a caring person when asking a friend who is getting married, "Have you thought this whole thing through?" No. You're acting like an ass.
As for the people who rip Lucinda for her MYOB approach.
Oh, the indignation. Oh, the humanity!!!
Please.
I suspect many of you likely have friends and family members who wish a little bit of Lucinda's MYOB would rub off on you.
i think lucinda's advice
By: aubreymcfate | Tue, 10/27/2009 - 12:55
i think lucinda's advice regarding constant no-show peyton is pretty good. it sounds to me like these women are less friends and more coworkers who hang out in the same circle. if she wanted to hang out with the group she would show up, but i've known people who just say yes to any invitation. it usually doesn't matter if they don't show up cause we're hanging out in a big group anyway.
if they stop inviting peyton out with them, i imagine that the LW and her coworkers will discover that either a) peyton just doesn't hang out with them outside of work anymore, and who knows why, or b) peyton will start to call them to see what's going on when she actually does want to hang out with you.
i'm a little perplexed that the LW says peyton is at the "center" of the group of work friends.. because she's never there and they spend so much time and energy caring about where she is? it's entirely possible to be friends with someone at work and not hang out with them outside of work, you can have one without the other.
I'm actually siding with Lucinda for once
By: violetprofusion | Tue, 10/27/2009 - 10:15
Will wonders never cease?
Y'know, I don't actually hate Lucinda's advice here: "Erin" probably knows full well what she's getting into. In my opinion, if Erin and her fiance are happy, I think it sounds like they've worked out their differences behind closed doors, many miles away from the LW. If the LW is really concerned, she should casually give Erin a chance to open up if she wants to, and then drop it.
Erin won't appreciate heroics or some kind of intervention. There may never be an "I told you so!" moment. If the LW confronts her with a "Hey, friend, I think you're making a huge mistake! You don't really want to marry this guy," all she will get is Erin's resentment.
I could do without the twee precious "Oh haha, it's like SaTC, GAY GUYS LIKE SHOES!!11" commentary, but...baby steps, I guess.
Gosh, thanks for dredging up stupid stereotypes!
By: figbash | Tue, 10/27/2009 - 01:41
"If Sex and the City taught us anything, it was that many women secretly prefer the company of gay husbands to straight ones. (Fewer Super Bowl parties, more shopping expeditions, anyone?)" Yes, that's it. Bring up stupid, outdated ideas about gay men and straight women and use that as a reason to opt out of confronting a friend. Because obviously marrying a man who is possibly gay/bisexual will lead to shopping expeditions for fabulous clothes, cute little cocktail parties with friends, and Sunday morning brunches where you talk about what was wrong with all the outfits on Project Runway that week. Plus, it spares us having to fake an interest in those stupid sports and (yawn) sex, because "for many married couples, sex plays a role so minimal that laundry is always prioritized."
It's not that her advice in this particular instance is completely off the mark (although other readers are right to note that it is the same advice she gives almost every time: your married/dating/reproducing friends are beyond you and your silly concerns, so stop complaining and give up")but that she has to slather it in such offensive stuff in a lazy, half-hearted attempt in being witty.
beating a dead horse
By: Annie K | Tue, 10/27/2009 - 00:06
I believe one of the privileges of being an adult is making your own decisions, and your own mistakes. Lucinda is right: it is not up to the friend to "save" the woman marrying a potentially sexually complicated man. I've seen plenty of friends marry the wrong man for the wrong reasons, but even if I told them they were making a mistake, all that would have happened would have been the end of our friendship, not their wedding plans. I learned this early on the hard way. People deal with the truth when they are good and ready, not when their observant friends point it out.
The advice to the other letter writers was also solid.
Which makes me wonder, since some commenting on here are so up in arms about Lucinda and her advice, and seem to fancy themselves much better advice-givers, why don't they just join AskMeFi? It's chock full of questions for you to answer. Except you're supposed to be civil, so maybe that won't work out for some.
If you think her advice is terrible...
By: SheMightBeGIANT | Mon, 10/26/2009 - 16:04
stop reading. Seriously. At this point it's basically akin to RW bigots reading Savage Love every week just to leave angry, disapproving comments.
Yes, Lucinda was horribly off the mark with that poor woman who was drugged. Yes, you disagree with her "no need for another pointless confrontation" approach to dropping people who never act like friends. Fine, but if you really want her column to disappear, stop contributing to its page views.
Lucinda is right
By: govworker | Mon, 10/26/2009 - 15:46
I absolutely think Lucinda is right to advise the friend to keep her mouth shut about her friend's marriage to a possibly gay man. The bride-to-be has been with this man for 10 years and she knows he has slept with at least one man; she has all the information she needs to make her decision. It would be insulting for the friend to second-guess her friend's decision to marry this man. Furthermore, perhaps because they are separated geographically, the advice-seeking friend isn't fully up to speed on the happy couple's relationship; she does admit that the bride-to-be's local friends are ecstatic about the impending uion.
As a sidenote, what's up with hating on Lucinda? I understand that people do not like the advice she gave to the girl who got drugged, but it seems like you all hate whatever words she writes just because she wrote them. I expect a little bit more objectivity from women who profess to care about women's issues. Why do we have to revert to such juvenile behavior? We do ourselves a disservice as a gender if we can't discuss issues in a less inflammatory manner.
ye gods this advice is horrific
By: malloryelis | Mon, 10/26/2009 - 14:19
why on earth is this person's answer for everything 'shut your damn mouth?' 'hey, i was roofied and my friends ditched me in the street. what should i do?' 'well, you probably made it up, you dirty whore. you shouldn't expect friends to support and assist you in times of trouble.'
'my friend is marrying a man who is unfaithful and closeted. should i mention that?' 'no, they probably have an open marriage. i'm sure it's fine.'
'my friend is treating me badly. should i talk to her about it so she can have an opportunity to change her behavior and save our friendship?' 'no, just stop hanging out with her and make sure the specter of your lost friendship is never ever ever mentioned in the light of day again.'
what is the matter with you?
I'm starting to think...
By: lilybell | Mon, 10/26/2009 - 13:59
That this column is one big practical joke. The advice gets worse every time! Lucinda, you are the worst advice columnist I've ever read - and that includes the awful "Ask Amy". I will never take Carolyn Hax for granted again. I think I'm done. I only came back in the hopes that Lucinda was fired for the date drug column, but no, she's still here doling out her usual terrible advice. I guess I'm done with this entire site, because I can't stomach the fact that she was probably rewarded for the number of page hits she got regarding her controversial column. Shame on you, Double XX!
Lucinda is right!
By: SheMightBeGIANT | Mon, 10/26/2009 - 10:34
I think Lucinda is right when it comes to her advice for Help—My Friend Is Marrying a Gay Man.
This woman has been dating this man for almost 10 years. She's even mentioned her doubts about her fiance's stated sexual orientation. She knows what's up.
If she doesn't, she's so deep in denial there's nothing her friend can say to her at this point that's going to open her eyes. Any comments now, so close to her long awaited wedding, will only hurt and alienate her.
Also, the writer says she lives far, far away and isn't even a regular part of this couple's relationship. She only hears bits and pieces. She doesn't know what's really going on, and she's not in a position to say something.