What to do when your brother is dating your new enemy.

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

My (now ex-) friend—“Liza” —started dating my brother about a year ago. They are now living together and show all signs of staying together indefinitely. My relationship with Liza has deteriorated to the point that, when my house actually burned down, she didn't respond to my e-mail, let alone call to see how I was doing.

Since it looks like this is going to be my sister-in-law, God help us both, I’ve made repeated overtures to her, including inviting her to dinner. But she’s apparently unwilling or unable to talk about what's going on and always turns me down. The only explanation she’s offered is that I didn't RSVP to a party invitation once. My brother says he thinks we have a "misunderstanding." (That might be the understatement of the century.)

At this point, I’ve given up on the friendship, but I still feel hurt and angry about the way Liza has treated me and my family. I know she's had a hard year, too. But without hearing her side of the story, I’m having a difficult time understanding her perspective, which just looks cold and selfish from here.

Any tips on how to handle this situation going forward? I'm going to have to look at this woman at Thanksgiving for the rest of my life.

Sincerely,
Thank God Therapy Is Covered by My HMO

Dear TGTICBMHMO,

First of all, I’m sorry about your home, and I hope everyone got out safely. Regarding your predicament, I have to admit that the fact that your friendship with Liza deteriorated at the same moment that she and your brother got tight makes me suspicious. I’m going to wager that he’s the culprit here. You don’t say how close you are/were to your bro, but perhaps you said something about Liza to him “in confidence” that, in a moment of post-coital intimacy, he felt inclined to repeat. (Maybe your criticism of her left him feeling defensive by association?)

There’s also the outside chance that Liza is simply a psycho (and really has disowned you over your failure to RSVP in a timely fashion). In that case, she’s likely to turn on your dear brother at some point, too. Then the two of you can share war stories for the rest of your life. Until and unless that happens, however, you need to get to the bottom of the brouhaha—before the pumpkin pie ends up flying in one of your faces.

I don’t usually believe that siblings are “responsible” for each other’s problems, but in this case I think it’s your brother’s job to broker a peace. Tell him that you need him to do some reconnaissance and find out what went wrong. (Make you a bet he already knows.)

I do fault for Liza for not agreeing to meet you and hash it out, but perhaps she’s too mad right now to sit across a table from you without overturning it. Hopefully your brother can help you discover why.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

I’ve been friends with my friend “Tracy” for over 8 years. While at times one could consider her to be very flaky, she has always been there for me when I need her, and vice versa. Last week, she planned a “girls’ night out” for the two of us and a few other friends. We all planned on meeting at a live music venue, an hour and half away for all of us. Just as I was arriving, however, Tracy—who had set the time for us to meet—texted me that she was going to be late. It was another two hours before she arrived, and we almost missed the concert! Even though I was annoyed, I‘d decided that I wouldn't let her lateness ruin my night. Then someone asked about the hickey she was sporting on her neck. Tracy then admitted that she’d been fooling around with her boyfriend, and that was why she hadn’t been on time.

I can understand being 10 or 15 minutes late, or even a half hour, but two hours? I think it was incredibly inconsiderate of Tracy to keep us waiting, and I feel really angry. But I don't want to lose her as a friend. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Not Willing To Stand Around Waiting for You To Get Another Love Bite

Tags: advice, bff, friend or foe, siblings, sister-in-law

Lucinda Rosenfeld is the author of I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU: A Novel About Best Friends.

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