Life
Friend or Foe: My Bridesmaid Hates Big Weddings
What to do when your “best friend” is bailing on your big day.
Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.
Dear Friend or Foe,
I just turned 37, and I’m getting married in two months. Most of my closest friends have been married for a while now and have at least two children. I'm pretty sure everyone is thrilled for us, since they’ve been waiting for this day FOREVER. Everyone except for my “best friend” Carin. She’s being kind of awful about the whole wedding part. I’m not one of those bridal people who has been looking forward to this day since I was 5. It’s my husband-to-be who really wanted a big wedding. So that’s what we’re doing: three days, destination wedding, the whole shebang. And Carin is, of course, one of my bridesmaids. But as the day gets closer, I’m feeling less and less like she belongs in the bridal party. Recently, she asked, “When is the latest possible time I can arrive at your wedding? Also, just so you know, I’ll be leaving at the crack of dawn the next day.”
Me: “Well, things get started on Friday, and I’d love for you to be there the whole time. I could really use the support.”
Carin: “Well, I don't know if I can. We can't leave the kids for so many days.”
A week later:
Carin: “Does [my husband] have to come to the rehearsal dinner?”
Me: “Well, he should really be there, since he's reading at the wedding.”
Carin: “Yeah, but does he have to?”
A week after that:
Me: “We have room for the wedding party to stay on site with us all weekend, free of charge. Will you stay with us?”
Carin: “To be honest, we were planning on making it a romantic weekend away.”
It’s worth mentioning that Carin and her husband eloped. Among other things, they didn’t want to deal with the drama that comes with divorced parents who hate each other. However, she also tells me constantly how glad she is they didn't have a wedding—what a waste of money and how silly it all is. But, of course, she's really excited for ours. (Yeah, right.)
Sincerely,
I’m Finally Getting Married—Can’t This One Weekend Be About Me?
Dear IFGMCTOWBAM?,
My first reaction was that Carin is a serious undermine-y party-pooper—just because she doesn’t want to deal with her own complicated seating arrangements doesn’t mean she has to piss on yours. But on closer examination, it sounds to me as if Carin is in a difficult spot and doesn’t know how to handle it—or, rather, has handled it poorly thus far. In any case, you guys are definitely due an air-clearing talk.
It’s possible that Carin genuinely wants to “be there” for you, but that traveling to a destination wedding, then spending three days there without her young(?) children, has turned your Big Day into her Logistical Nightmare. Many owners of tiny tots have only themselves and their baby sitters to rely on, the latter of whom are usually loath to do sleepovers, or will do so only for a high price.
You say you were never the bridezilla type. If so, maybe you should cut her some slack, at least on the rehearsal dinner and early Sunday departure fronts. The important part is that she’s at the actual wedding, performing her best-woman duties, right? Alternately, if you can’t bear the thought of not having her there all weekend, you could propose that she bring the kids with them, then help to arrange on-site baby-sitting.
As for the romantic getaway comment, I admit that Carin’s response sounds on the ungracious side. But the reality is that she may well be simultaneously dreading and looking forward to getting away from the little ones—and sleeping in the next room over from you guys isn’t what she had in mind.
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Comments
Brides
By: azmallqueen | Mon, 10/12/2009 - 15:38
For the love of God, it doesn't matter the bridal couple's age, the destination wedding or whether or not they should elope. Bride, cut carin some slack because I can see why it would be hard for her to get childcare attangements, just let her show for the main event. I've had to do the same for financial reasons. That being said, Carin shouldn't have agreed to participate. I doubt her having what I can only assume are young children didn't just happen.
@Nonna Lili
By: aussie_lover | Sat, 10/10/2009 - 21:42
The horror, the horror, A lop-sided wedding party! Because everything has to be just so and picture perfect when we are forcing all of our friends to spend their retirement savings to attend our destination wedding.
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ugh weddings
By: teaspoon | Fri, 10/09/2009 - 11:53
Over the course of planning my wedding, which is next weekend, I have ultimately decided that I wish we would have eloped. My fiance and I tried desperately to keep it simple, but ultimately our plans were co-opted by well meaning family members who more probably wanted to re-create what they wanted at their own ceremonies. No matter what happens in the future, I will never have another "Wedding" in my life!
37 is too too too old, apparently.
By: Katie27again | Fri, 10/09/2009 - 09:33
37 too old? Really. Thanks for letting us know! Just a few questions, then: too old for a destination wedding, or a wedding ceremony in general? Are destination weddings only for women under 30? What's the cut-off for a traditional wedding? 32? 36? How about for the groom? What if he's, say, 39? Is he too old for a destination wedding, a traditional wedding, or both? Do you think it is acceptable for a 37 year old woman to have a small wedding, say, in the backyard, or should she just elope? Is it acceptable for a 37 year old woman to have any type of wedding she likes as long as there are no bridesmaids? At what age does a woman have to dispense with bridesmaids? 35? How about ring-bearers? Can a 37 year old woman have ring-bearers? These are just a few questions I hope to get some feedback on so I can make sure I do everything right according to what age I am when I get married. Thanks!
3 days! Babysitting! Etc.!
By: Shandra | Wed, 10/07/2009 - 20:34
Your demands are really hard, especially for parents. Three days is a long time and really - I don't get why these people have to be at your beck and call for 72 hours, at least. Please. Brides everywhere: ditch the destination wedding, unless you're eloping.
I am empathetic to the bride to a degree
By: taxipeach78 | Wed, 10/07/2009 - 16:05
Ok, I'm empathetic to the bride, for being the last of her friends to get married. That stinks. I'm sure she's taken her fair share of subtly scathing comments about her easy and carefree life (true or not), as well as the unending question, "When will it be YOUR turn?". For that reason, I understand why she says that her friends have been waiting for this day.
I'm guessing she also spent a good bit of time and money attending and giving gifts for her friends' weddings and babies. It's not unreasonable to hope- even expect- that people make a big deal out of your celebration, especially if you did the same for theirs.
So yes, the bride here is asking a lot, but Carin really needs to be a grownup too- because if she's got an issue, she needs to tell the bride. And not by email. Because that makes you a chicken sh**. And a really, really stupid one.
It's NOT " the BRIDE'S big day"
By: Kit-Kat | Wed, 10/07/2009 - 14:59
That has to be the single most pernicious myth created by the wedding industry. A wedding is about, at a minimum, TWO people, and it really should be able two people and their families and friends. It is not "all about the bride." Of course, this bride thinks that all her friends have been holding their breath for years, waiting for her to get married, so it's not surprising that she's fallen for this, with the added treat that she actually expects the entire weekend to be about her. Since when does a wedding last for three days? A post-wedding brunch may be nice, but it should be optional for your guests, and people should be able to decline without you deciding that they don't love you or support you enough.
Should Carin have declined? Maybe, but often when you're asked to be a bridesmaid, you (and sometimes the bride) don't yet know the details of the wedding, including where it will be, how many other bridesmaids there are, and how big of a production the bride intends to make out of it. Carin may not have known that the bride expected her to participate in three days' worth of events on some Caribbean island. She may not have anticipated how difficult it would be to find child care. She may not have known what a bridezilla her friend would turn out to be, which I can tell you from experience, makes you a lot less willing to make sacrifices for her.
As long as Carin is willing to show up for the wedding and cheerfully perform her bridesmaidly duties, the LW needs to get over herself.
Ugh
By: lilybell | Wed, 10/07/2009 - 13:43
I'm another one that thinks it's ridiculous for a 37 year old to have a destination wedding with bridesmaids. But Carin probably should have politely declined to be in the wedding at all. I learned the hard way after being in my best friend's wedding that I was not cut out for the job and have declined the honor ever since. I hate what the bridal industry has become. Weddings are now a week long extravaganza and god forbid you don't want to attend every related event (couples bridal shower? gag). Don't get me started on destination bachelorette parties! Brides: no one but you cares that much about your wedding. We just want to spend three hours on a Saturday night dancing and drinking and wishing you well on your marriage. The best weddings I've been to have been intimate, informal, small affairs. I remember those more fondly than the $300,000 shindigs that are more about appearances than your love for each other.
Good luck with that whole "graciously backing out" thing!
By: hibousoir | Wed, 10/07/2009 - 13:38
It didn't work for me! I was asked to be a bridesmaid by a woman who I knew couldn't quite admit to herself that she hated me. I agreed, naively thinking the offer was the start of a beautiful new friendship. After being publicly humiliated by her for weeks afterwards about my body (specifically my breast size--I'm top heavy in addition to being obese) in the form of mean "jokes," I sent her an incredibly diplomatic e-mail backing out of the bridesmaid position, giving her 4+ months to get a replacement. She wouldn't take no for an answer and demanded to know the real reason I didn't want to stand up for her anymore--so I told her!
I haven't seen them socially since. The groom was my best friend of twenty years.
Do all your friends and family a favor, you obnoxious friggin' brides: ELOPE!