Advice for a bride with a delinquent maid of honor.

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

I just turned 37, and I’m getting married in two months. Most of my closest friends have been married for a while now and have at least two children. I'm pretty sure everyone is thrilled for us, since they’ve been waiting for this day FOREVER. Everyone except for my “best friend” Carin. She’s being kind of awful about the whole wedding part. I’m not one of those bridal people who has been looking forward to this day since I was 5. It’s my husband-to-be who really wanted a big wedding. So that’s what we’re doing: three days, destination wedding, the whole shebang. And Carin is, of course, one of my bridesmaids. But as the day gets closer, I’m feeling less and less like she belongs in the bridal party. Recently, she asked, “When is the latest possible time I can arrive at your wedding? Also, just so you know, I’ll be leaving at the crack of dawn the next day.”

Me: “Well, things get started on Friday, and I’d love for you to be there the whole time. I could really use the support.”

Carin: “Well, I don't know if I can. We can't leave the kids for so many days.”

A week later:

Carin: “Does [my husband] have to come to the rehearsal dinner?”

Me: “Well, he should really be there, since he's reading at the wedding.”

Carin: “Yeah, but does he have to?”

A week after that:

Me: “We have room for the wedding party to stay on site with us all weekend, free of charge. Will you stay with us?”

Carin: “To be honest, we were planning on making it a romantic weekend away.”

It’s worth mentioning that Carin and her husband eloped. Among other things, they didn’t want to deal with the drama that comes with divorced parents who hate each other. However, she also tells me constantly how glad she is they didn't have a wedding—what a waste of money and how silly it all is. But, of course, she's really excited for ours. (Yeah, right.)

Sincerely,
I’m Finally Getting Married—Can’t This One Weekend Be About Me?

Dear IFGMCTOWBAM?,

My first reaction was that Carin is a serious undermine-y party-pooper—just because she doesn’t want to deal with her own complicated seating arrangements doesn’t mean she has to piss on yours. But on closer examination, it sounds to me as if Carin is in a difficult spot and doesn’t know how to handle it—or, rather, has handled it poorly thus far. In any case, you guys are definitely due an air-clearing talk.

It’s possible that Carin genuinely wants to “be there” for you, but that traveling to a destination wedding, then spending three days there without her young(?) children, has turned your Big Day into her Logistical Nightmare. Many owners of tiny tots have only themselves and their baby sitters to rely on, the latter of whom are usually loath to do sleepovers, or will do so only for a high price.

You say you were never the bridezilla type. If so, maybe you should cut her some slack, at least on the rehearsal dinner and early Sunday departure fronts. The important part is that she’s at the actual wedding, performing her best-woman duties, right? Alternately, if you can’t bear the thought of not having her there all weekend, you could propose that she bring the kids with them, then help to arrange on-site baby-sitting.

As for the romantic getaway comment, I admit that Carin’s response sounds on the ungracious side. But the reality is that she may well be simultaneously dreading and looking forward to getting away from the little ones—and sleeping in the next room over from you guys isn’t what she had in mind.

Tags: bridezillas, destination weddings, frenemies, friend or foe, weddings

Lucinda Rosenfeld is the author of I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU: A Novel About Best Friends.

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