Friend or Foe: My BFF ratted me out to my husband.

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy for You, a new novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

My so-called best friend—“Leslie”—apparently didn’t agree with the way I was going about leaving my husband. So she thought it wise to e-mail me, and CC him, about all the things I was doing that she disapproved of. To say the e-mail was harsh is an understatement. She brought up stuff that was clearly meant to be private. Her defense: "You told me that you told him everything. It’s not my fault if you were lying." At the time, I considered her behavior to be nothing less than malicious.

But with time and distance—namely, one year and 700 miles—I decided it was Leslie’s way, however passive aggressively, of telling me that she was uncomfortable with the situation I’d put her in. She’d been friends with both of us before the divorce. Do you think it’s worth my trying to rekindle the friendship now? We were very close for over 10 years. Other than this fight, we never had any issues.

Sincerely,
Having Second Thoughts About Whether My Former Best Friend is a Killer Shrew

Dear HSTAWMFBFIAKS,

Wow, with friends like that ... . Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that a code of silence encircles and protects all lady-friend confessing and kvetching. That sort of information should never be disseminated to relevant spouses. In short, what happens in Starbucks (i.e., at a corner table, over double lattes) stays in that same Starbucks. The only time it’s appropriate to tattle to the husband? If the wife is putting her own life at risk, or that of a close family member—e.g., indulging a secret intravenous heroin habit while six months preggers.

You say that Leslie was close with your ex-husband, too. So I can understand how she might have felt put in an awkward spot, especially if both of you were using her as a sounding board for divorce-related recriminations. But could it really have been SO terrible for her? What you don’t say in your letter is whether there was an extramarital fling you were hoping to keep secret from your ex—and Leslie was kind enough to fill the guy in. If this was the case—and assuming no apology ever came—I can’t see why you’d be eager to catch up.

But, hey, it’s your life. If you miss Leslie, there’s nothing stopping you from sending her a friendly update (upon which she can pass fresh judgment).

I have a longtime frenemy who always plays the righteous card with me. It used to upset me—until I realized that she was the most morally compromised of any of us. (Bet you a nickel that Leslie’s personal life is no model of domestic anything.)

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

I have a thing for my friend “Monica’s” boyfriend. I can assure you that I’d be attracted to him even if they didn't know each other. Nothing physical has ever happened between us. But there have been long conversations, bonding, a few flirtatious moments, and a mutual declaration of feelings—after we worked together on a project. A few weeks ago, we agreed to cut off contact.

At this point, I really don't think Monica needs to know, since this is no real threat to their relationship. (I believe his heart is with Monica.) Also, I don’t want to hurt her. The problem is, while I'm ashamed about what happened, I'm even more ashamed of being jealous of their relationship.

I hate hearing Monica’s updates about what they've been up to. I avoid conversations about him. Now I’ve started to avoid Monica. Do I have the right to remain distant from her for a while? Or should I be working at getting our friendship back on track? Also, do I have to accept invitations to hang out with the two of them?

Sincerely,
Feeling Jealous and Pathetic and Like I want to Crawl Into a Small Hole

Dear FJAPALIWTCIASH,

Tags: friendship, marriage, toxic friends

Lucinda Rosenfeld is the author of I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU: A Novel About Best Friends.

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Life

Friend or Foe: My BFF Ratted Me Out to My Husband