Life
Friend or Foe: I Want to See You, Not the Whole Crew
Our columnist tackles chronic “friend lumpers.”
Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.
Dear Friend or Foe,
Lately I've become the frequent victim of “friend lumping”: I make plans with a friend whom I haven't seen in a while to get dinner or a drink, and by the time we arrive at our destination, at least one other person has been added to the group. Sometimes I get advanced warning—"Oh, by the way, Kelly is coming, too"—and other times it's a total shock. Either way, I tend to be disappointed. I love seeing my friends in groups, and often organize group outings. But there are times when I just want to rock the one-on-one catch-up. When there are three or four of us at the table, catching up often feels rehearsed: "You say how your job is going for ten minutes, then Kelly says how hers is, then I'll describe mine.” I understand that we're all busy, and scheduling friends in groups can be more convenient. But is it too much to ask that when I send an e-mail to one friend about meeting up, I get time with that friend alone? Do I need to add a disclaimer to all such invitations? I fear that if I say specifically, "I'd like it to be just us," it will give the dinner this inappropriately weighty, "I have something big to discuss" vibe. But I don't want to keep getting lumped!
Sincerely,
Tired of Feeling like a Melted Cube in a Box of Domino Dots
Dear TOFLAMCIABODD,
Has your conversation become boring? Do you drone on about your toenail fungus? Or what your therapist said about your mother again? Or what you ate for lunch on Friday? Alternately, do you have bitchy, supercilious friends who don’t actually care about you and/or think their time is more valuable than yours and/or believe they’re living in a Real World episode? I had a female friend once whose boyfriend refused to go on vacation with just her. All holidays needed to be “group holidays.” He said it was more fun that way. Needless to say, the relationship ended badly. But I digress ...
From your question, I’m guessing you’re on the young side. If so, please note that the promiscuity many experience in their 20s extends to friend-making. Which is to say that two out of three of the people you currently call your best buddies will likely be strangers (again) by 30. Why is this relevant? Because you might be overestimating your need to spend “quality time” with individual members of the group. Moreover, at some point in the not too distant future, even the pals you retain will begin to seriously pair up and then start families (and get even busier at work). Then, girls’ night out with the whole gang will become so rare that you might even start to miss it. (I do.)
Have a problem that requires one-on-one chat time? Book a lunch or coffee date. No alcohol = no crashing. Otherwise, I suggest enjoying the “party” while it’s still going. Soon enough, the festivities will cease to rage.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe,
My old friend “Leann” is dating an English guy and suddenly started speaking with a British accent à la Madonna. It’s driving me bonkers. She says “royt” instead of “right.” Also, when something pleases her, she announces “Brilliant!” instead of “Cool!” or “Fantastic!” like she used to. Can I say something, or is it none of my business? This is her first serious boyfriend in a while, so I guess I should be happy for her. But I’m not. She’s from New Jersey, for god’s sake. Every time I see her, I want to yell, “Pretentious fraud!”
Sincerely,
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Comments
Friend Lumping!!
By: kaylowe | Thu, 09/10/2009 - 21:19
I am 54 yrs. old and I also HATE this habit!! My sis-in-law is notorious for this and I really HATE it!! She has done this at least twice while supposedly celebrating MY birthday!! Invites me to a restaurant to have "lunch" or "dinner" for my birthday, and, when she arrives she informs me, "Oh, Cindy is meeting us, too", or, "Tina and David are coming, too". These are her friends, but mere acquaintances to me. If you invite me out to celebrate MY birthday, why would you invite YOUR friends to share it?? Of course, there's little to say when SHE is paying - but still?? Why would you do that? Celebrating MY birthday?? Invite friends who are insignificant to me??
However, I do agree with the advice given the "friend" who was so imposed upon to babysit her "friends" 3 yr. old when the friend goes into labor. How big an imposition is it to babysit a 3 yr. old for a day? Even if you do have a toddler of your own. Lots of women put up with much more than that every day. How much room do you need to keep a 3 yr. old? Make a pallet on the floor or couch?? For crying out loud. Time to re-think this friendship.
Some people are very, very
By: shin | Thu, 09/10/2009 - 01:48
Some people are very, very social and will invite everyone everywhere. My best friend is like that. She loves to increase the party, and it's fun. If you don't like a person like that, stop making plans.
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OK, "Please be honest", well,
By: moxiemoosmom | Thu, 09/03/2009 - 10:59
OK, "Please be honest", well, yeah, you kind of are. As someone who had 2 babies in a place where I only had a few close friends, I can attest to the freak-out that happens when you know that you can't a) plan for a sitter or b) have husband step in (of course he was to be WITH me at the birth of child number two)and you have to nervously beg someone to take your child at a moments notice. It's one day! Probably only part of a day, at that. Over-indulge the kid in TV if you HAVE to work on a project for a while but otherwise see it as the best baby gift you can give: a safe place for her other child to be so she won't be worried during this already stressful (but blissful!) time. And you'll be ther first to hear about the new baby! Call her back, admit to being a (temporary) nimrod, and put on your most jovial face when the water breaks.
As to the Jersey-girl turned Brit, don't we all pick up little sayings and habits from our loved ones? Certainly we find new hobbies, new TV shows, and yes, new sayings or ways of pronouncing things. We even learn more about other religions or political views after spending so much time with a person we admire, so I think it's a bit strange to be so upset that she's picked up a few bits of dialogue she repeats just because it's British. Imagine she was dating a dude from Texas- that handy term "Y'all" could easily be picked up- as annoying? maybe. but would you call her a "poser"?
3's company, brit lit, and baby baby
By: swmobill | Wed, 08/19/2009 - 16:09
WOOOOOOOO!!!!, Dang, mean comments from many of y'all. sounds to me that the girl who wants her "friend" all to herself is just a little bit selfish, FOE. Get to know the other folks. Gal adopting the british accent...could be a lot worse...could be adopting a jersey accent...relax a little bit, stop being a FOE. Finally, the girl who wouldn't babysit when her "friend" went into labor because...her's friend's husband worked part time from home? the husband will probably be at the hospital with the wife...duh...you're a hater and not her friend, definitely a FOE, go see a counselor...you've got serious issues.
wow...
By: debones | Wed, 08/19/2009 - 13:14
i created an account with doublex ONLY to comment after reading the first story about 'friend lumping' and the horrible repsonse to this woman's issue.. only to find that alot of people already agree with me!
I have been lumped by friends and it totally sucks and i am approaching my mid 30's, married, and i don't have kids and i am 'young', still go out and do many of the same things when i was in my 20's - so i just want to validate TOFLAMCIABODD for hating this friend behavior. and lucinda.. you are just not getting it. i think people are writing about real stuff- the point of having a column- and you are making light of it and making them feel stupid for having an issue!
to the woman who won't watch her friend's kid- honestly, i do think this is pretty selfish- there might be a line you are ready to draw with this chick and this might be the last straw with her... so in that case i understand.. but karma, dude! it will get ya! it will just figure that you'll have an emergency and she is the perfect one to call, but now you can't because you couldn't help a sister out!
accent boyfriend - friend- ya.. super annoying! but you know, like the other commenter said- get nostalgic with movies and revel in the old 'hood and then just ask her straight out but make it funny and let her know you love her anyway!
Lucinda, time to change
By: lightening | Wed, 08/12/2009 - 16:36
If you have to take to the comments to explain what you meant because no one gets it, your column is failing. Sorry to break it to you.
Friend Lumping
By: coldplayer313 | Wed, 08/12/2009 - 10:39
Wow, I couldn't disagree more with your response to "friend lumping." For example, I am 30, which is not "on the young side," and I have a friend who is constantly lumping me with people I don't know. We've been friends for nearly a decade. She is a very busy with work and even though we live and work about 6 blocks from each other, I'm lucky if I see her once a month. She is constantly lumping me together with other people she hasn't seen in some time, and I don't always know them. It's very very annoying, especially when we are getting together to have quality conversations about our lives.
comments
By: JJL | Tue, 08/11/2009 - 17:00
Advice columns seem to bring out the snark in people (or perhaps it's that they bring out the snarky people). If it's not directed at the columnist, it's directed at the letter writers -- e.g. the Prudie Fray on Slate. Not sure why, but advice columns attract the meanest comments.(Second only to comments on articles detailing infertile women's reproductive choices. See Lisa Belkin's NYT MotherLode if you don't believe me about the latter.)
I wouldn't take it too personally, Lucinda. Too bad all the vitriol gets directed against these sorts of issues instead of against the real outrages in the world. But oh well.
Re: Yeesh
By: iheartapocalypse | Tue, 08/11/2009 - 13:43
To be frank Lucinda, I think what you have here is an obvious case of jealousy. That might be the only ironic thing about this column. You're really not the best writer, neither clear nor funny nor poignant. Perhaps that is why all your answers are tainted with assuming jealously as the prime causation for all issues in female social relationships. Everyone is jealous of you. You have a book deal, an advice column, and no discernable unique talent. That being said, I have none of those things, and have generated two page views and two comments for you. You're welcome.
It's "tongue -IN-cheek"
By: taxipeach78 | Tue, 08/11/2009 - 13:07
The phrase is "tongue in cheek"- "tongue and cheek" is not a saying.
If I have an advice column and think that not only the advice seekers but the readers are illiterate unsophisticates who don't "get" my humor and are beneath me, I would expect to get some flak for it.