Life
Friend or Foe: How Do I Keep a Kindred Spirit?
Advice on what to do if you keep getting dumped by your closest confidantes.
Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.
Friend or Foe typically devotes itself to the endlessly fascinating subject of BF-FALTs: Best Friends for a Limited Time. FoF has grappled with their rudeness and narcissism, their transgressions and slights. So when I received the following letter—from a young woman lamenting her lack of BFs altogether—I started to wonder: What, exactly, constitutes a good friend?
Dear Friend or Foe,
I’m a 24-year-old recent college graduate, and I’m saddened by my seeming inability to maintain friendships with other young women. I’ve been unceremoniously dumped by female friends at ages 10, 13, and now 24. At other times, my closest female friends have simply moved away and lost touch. I’m starting to develop a complex! My best friend of three years recently dropped out of my life entirely, bailing out of our plans to move in together and neglecting to reply to my friendly (but concerned) e-mails and phone calls.
A few months ago, I saw an article that invited people to determine whether or not they were a difficult person whom everyone wanted to avoid. I looked down the list of traits, and that’s not me. I’m sure of it. I don’t nag or brag or gripe or whine or manipulate or judge. I don’t gossip, either. I’m a good listener. I’m not needy. I’m open to new experiences, and I really try not to cancel on anybody with whom I’ve made plans. I bake batches of cookies for friends who are having tough weeks. I’m not good at making phone calls because I worry about interrupting people’s lives, but I send e-mails. I make friends fairly easily, but I’m clearly missing the whatever-it-is that makes people say, “Gee, I wonder what she’s up to? I should call her and find out—and we should go do this or that.”
I’m really torturing myself wondering what I’ve done wrong. How do I guard against future losses when I don’t understand what happened?
Sincerely,
Don’t Get It Anymore
Dear DGIA,
For help in answering this one, I decided to turn to Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., author of the just-published self-help title, Best Friends Forever (not to be confused with the lively, just-published Jennifer Weiner novel of the same name). What differentiates the two tomes? Levine’s subtitle says it all: Surviving a breakup with your best friend. Indeed, the author leaves no angle unexplored—with the possible exception of BFs who murder each other with pick-axes in broad daylight—in this exhaustive dissection of bosom buddies gone awry.
But what does Levine have to say about female friendships that actually go right?
SNL: Equal Opportunity Objectifiers
Jon Hamm spent most of the Saturday Night Live episode he hosted last night shirtless.
Confessions of a Woman Comedy Writer
Allison Silverman accepts one from New York Women in Film & Television (and tells us why it's rare).
Comments
Ending a Friendship
By: Azul | Tue, 09/29/2009 - 19:29
About 6 months ago, I had to end a friendship... my "friend" was very needy (as well as manipulative and inconsiderate of others). I tried distancing myself, but she persisted, finally confronting me at a mutual friend's son's first birthday party. I tried to avoid a confrontation ("let's not talk about this here"), but the woman wouldn't relent, and I finally snapped at her that I did not want to continue our friendship. I still feel guilty about how this happened, and wonder if I should let her know that I'm sorry I had to end things that way, and I wish her the best, but I just can't have her in my life. I'm afraid, however, that a message like that might give her an opening to find a way back into my life.
Response to DGIA
By: mahkara | Tue, 09/29/2009 - 15:39
I've had similiar problems, and eventually just come to accept that some people don't want to be friends, and that sometimes, it's not worth the effort...
I had two friends who essentially played the "I don't feel like returning calls, show up late, and am otherwise difficult" game. For a while, I figured, "OK, fine, we were really good friends once, and there are things going on in your life, so I'll keep trying" (Fairly significant medical issues in both cases.) But even after the issues semi-resolved, they kept at it. And in one case, the issues became worse (including lying to me, trying to cheat me, etc.) After a point, I just had to cut my losses. Is it really worth working to try to keep a friendship when the other person really isn't interested in being friends? Or is it better to just say, "I'm here for you. You know that. If you need me, call. Otherwise, I feel like I'm bothering you as you don't show up when I invite you, don't return calls/emails/etc. so I'm out unless I hear otherwise from you." and then find other friends who ARE there for you.
Friendships change for a large number of reasons. Things happen. Chemistry dies. People become flakier and change, whatever. I love the idea of that amazing friendship that lasts a lifetime, but I think that it takes a rare two people to keep it up. And if she's not one of them, you're better off finding someone else who CAN be that sort of friend for you. I doubt it's your fault. My guess would be that it's hers. But there's not much that you can do other than to protect yourself and let her know that you're there, just in case she does need you.
(And if it's things like cringing at your sense of humor like some of the other posters mentioned - well, wouldn't it be better to find friends who think you're funny? Unless you're atrocious, which would surprise me from your letter, there are people who'd adore you!)
Thanks for the mention and I love your column!
By: TheFriendhipDoctor | Mon, 09/28/2009 - 17:51
Hi Lucinda:
You're right and they're right. The large majority of female friendships just drift apart because neither woman cares enough about the friendship to save it. But some friendships DO fracture because of things we do or say, or we don't do or say.
Very coincidentally, as you were posting your blog entry, I wrote about the signs women can look out for if they are consistently being dumped. The post is here: http://bit.ly/3hpLZc
Yes, I think the olive thing is your idiosyncrasy :-) I hate olives and appreciate that my best friend plucks them out for me and eats them!
Best,
Irene
The undersharing might be
By: closetpuritan | Mon, 09/28/2009 - 17:10
The undersharing might be part of the problem. I think that PStarling might be at least mostly right, though--a lot of times, losing friends has nothing in particular to do with the people involved, it's just the result of a change in people's lives.
Personally, I find that once I no longer come in regular contact with one of my friends, the probability of losing touch with said friend is close to 100%. I have exactly one college friend that I've kinda sorta managed to keep in touch with, 0 high school friends. FWIW, none of those friends has made any greater effort to keep in touch with me than I have to keep in touch with them. For me, it's mostly circumstances rather than any characteristics of the person in question that cause the friendship to lapse.
good point
By: Lucinda Rosenfeld | Mon, 09/28/2009 - 15:55
Just a quick shout out to iheartapocolypse, who makes excellent point about Jennifer--not Needy!--actually being the "needy one" in Jennifer's Body. Bullies are of course often the weak ones, disguisting their fear and insecurity with hostility (or, in Jennifer's case, cannibalism!). Also, a thank you to our letter writer for joining the conversation. Sorry I had to cut the original letter down (space concerns). L
lord, peeps.
By: P Starling | Mon, 09/28/2009 - 15:35
This thread seems all about analyzing what went wrong--what the writer did wrong--to screw up friendships. It's like my college roommates and I doing the post-game after a date. Why do we do this to ourselves? Sometimes it's just not our fault.
Let me suggest instead that 10, 13, and 24 are all ages where people tend to lose friends. Fifth grade and middle school are notorious for the churn they inflict on friendships. Ask any middle-grade teacher or experienced parent--it's more or less a given. The end of college and the year or two after is also a point at which some friendships die, some survive, and some go underground for a bit. There's a period of adjustment to jobs, grad school, relocation, financial pressures, and a host of other circumstances. I lost track of two friends immediately after graduation, one for several months and the other for nearly a year. Then the turmoil quieted, and the friendships were good enough to recommence in their new forms. At the age of 31, I am still BFF with my freshman roommate, but she was the one who essentially disappeared for a year.
Sometimes the friendship's not going to last past the period of regular contact, and that's a shame but not an indictment of anyone's relationship skills. That's what Facebook is for. Keep track, move on.
I guess I'm saying, DGIA, if you're reading, it's good to look at your own behavior, but your behavior probably isn't actually what's causing your loss. Don't take this to heart. Back off for a few months, then try to reconnect. It's really not you. It's not even her. It's life.
"If you don’t believe me, go
By: iheartapocalypse | Mon, 09/28/2009 - 11:42
"If you don’t believe me, go see Jennifer’s Body, in which Jennifer/Megan Fox’s nice girl BF, “Needy,” played by Amanda Seyfried, barely makes it out of the movie alive."
It's worth noting that Jennifer has to actually KILL several people for Needy to question their BFF status. I think that JB's most interesting aspect is that Needy isn't the one who is "Needy." If it hadn't been for Satanic intervention, they would have continued to be friends until Jennifer found someone else to leech off of. Then Needy probably would have ended up feeling like the person who wrote this letter. Also, interesting, Needy still avenges Jennifer's death in the end.
Re: DGIA's new info
By: littlecynicism | Mon, 09/28/2009 - 11:39
Maybe you just pick out lame friends. Be friends with someone nice.
My two cents
By: littlecynicism | Mon, 09/28/2009 - 11:34
I'm an introvert and sometimes incredibly awkward. I'm super opinionated and always feel ok handing out un-asked for advice. I send birthday cards MONTHS after the actual day. In spite of that I've never, ever been dumped by any friends at all.
That said, I've definitely backed out of a few friendships myself.
Usually the person is much needier than they realize.
They can be super nice/fun at times, but also incredibly demanding.
If the demanding outweighs the nice/fun, you may have a problem.
Sometimes the person is embarrassing. When you swear loudly or graphically describe your sex life in public do your friends laugh or cringe? Take note. If they're laughing you're good. If it's a cringe they'll still invite you *some* places, but they're crossing their fingers that you can't come. You're definitely not on anyone's must call list.
If your friends are like me they believe in second, third and fifty-two-millionth chances, it's part of what helps me hold on to friendships, but it also means that the fact that a relationship lasts three years is not an indicator that things only recently went wrong. They may have been holding out for the past two years and sixth months trying to figure out if they can salvage the relationship or they should cut you loose!
It's also possible that you've been placing a higher value on the friendship than they have.
I have a dear friend who is adored by everyone. People like me; people worship her. In collage she had a bunch of people all believed they were her best friend. We used to hide in stairwells to have private conversations. No doubt many of these people were miffed that she later "dropped" the friendship, but to her it wasn't even an action. They were friendly acquaintances, not friends.
Some even thought she would room with them, no doubt they were confused when she moved in with someone else, but the only people she bothered to explain her decision to were her actual friends.
Chemistry
By: veeb | Mon, 09/28/2009 - 11:26
Perhaps DGIA didn't do anything wrong. She may be as wonderful as she suggests. However, like romantic relationships, friendships also need chemistry. Call me terrible, but I have a gaggle of girlfriends that I like to hang out with, but am also guilty of "forgetting" about them for a few months because there's not much in the relationship for me (or probably for them, too, considering they mutually "forget" about me). They're fun to hang out with and chat with occasionally, but I couldn't bear to converse with them about the mundane details of their work/school/relationship life, because I'm simply not close to them.
Other friends - be it my soul mate-ish BFF, or my sister - bring something to the table. They "do it for me." I get something out of learning about their lives, because they're funny, smart, realistic, and/or logical (though usually not all at once). And I like to think they get the same from me, or we wouldn't chat as much as we do.
The gaggle - they're OK. Maybe if I got to know them better they would rise to BFF status, but from what I see, they're just a good time. It's very similar to "He's Just Not That Into You." You're fine for curing boredom, but not fine to establish a meaningful and mutually beneficial relationship. You're Ms. Right Now, not Ms. Right.
My advice to DGIA: Be interesting. Be yourself. Find someone who likes you for those reasons, and finds you funny, smart, cool - etc. Now, if only there were a match.com for BFFs.