Advice for a woman who thinks her boyfriend’s female BFF is in love with him.

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

Every time my best friend—“Elsa”—and I are together with her husband, he finds some way to compare her unfavorably with me. It started with my cooking. My husband and I had them over for dinner, and he said something to her like, "Why can't you ever make something this good? We need to start buying more fresh food." More recently, I baby-sat for them so they could have a date, and he compared our handwriting. "I know who I'm going to ask if I ever need handwritten invitations,” he enthused. My response is to always try and downplay my own abilities in comparison with her, but that approach hasn't kept him from these outbursts. My husband thinks he has a crush on me but isn't worried about him acting on it.

I'm less concerned about whether he has a crush on me than I am for my friend and her marriage. Even when not comparing her with me, her husband can be downright cruel. Not long ago, we were having dinner (another couples outing) and discussing dress sizes and Elsa’s attempt to lose the weight she gained during her first pregnancy. He said to her, "I'll tell you why you can't lose weight. You eat like a horse." She laughed and sort of brushed it off, but it really bothered me. Elsa has amazing qualities. I wish her husband would spend his time admiring them instead of constantly cutting her down. Should I talk to her? Should I talk to him? Should I confront him when he does it? Is it even worth worrying about? I don't want to lose my best friend just because I feel uncomfortable around her husband.

Sincerely,
I Wish Your Husband Would Stop Comparing Me to You

Dear IWYHWSCMTY,

You write, “She laughed and sort of brushed it off, but it really bothered me.” Do we know if it really bothered Elsa? From your description, the guy sounds like a bit of a jerk. But it is possible that he and Elsa have one of those marriages which consist of lots of teasing and joshing, none of which adds up to anything? I guess what makes me wary of suggesting you “go there” with either one of them is that Elsa is your best friend—and presumably tells you what’s going on in her private life. Yet you make no mention of her ever having come to you to complain about her husband’s treatment of her.

Which means either she’s keeping her pain a secret (because she’s embarrassed or proud), or she actually likes being teased. To be honest, the handwriting comment seems fairly benign to me. Ditto for the cooking one. (I’m a famously bad cook and can easily imagine my husband making a remark like this.) The fat comment is a little less excusable. No woman post-pregnancy likes to be compared to an animal. At best, it’s a stupid joke; at worse, it’s downright misogynistic. In moments like this, I don’t see why you shouldn’t speak up (even if Elsa doesn’t) and tell her husband that you find the comment to be clueless and obnoxious.

But if you feel compelled to say something to Elsa, I suggest an open ended question along the lines of, “So how are you and the husband doing post-baby?” If she says, “Oh, fine,” leave well enough alone. If she pours out her wounded heart, encourage her to defend herself. Either way, please keep in mind that it’s Elsa’s marriage to make work—not yours.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Tags: friend or foe, platonic friends, relationships

Lucinda Rosenfeld is the author of I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU: A Novel About Best Friends.

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