Friend or Foe gives advice to a woman wondering if she’s in love with her best friend.

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy for You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Dear Friend or Foe,

I’m a married woman in her early 30s without children. Many, many women I interact with have kids. So I think I try to be flexible when organizing and doing activities with them. A few years ago, I met a gal—“Sondra”—who worked with my husband. She seemed fantastic, and we began hanging out on a semi-regular basis and always had a blast.

When Sondra became pregnant, I was super happy for her. I went to her baby shower and helped her paint the inside of her new house. I had fun on both occasions. I actually thought we became somewhat closer during that period. Then she got sick but didn’t tell me and essentially disappeared off the face of the earth. We were back in contact a few months later; I found out that she’d had her gallbladder taken out. We then got together for a little vacation to Tahoe. I realized I had forgotten something at the hotel and she ended up taking it with her when she drove home. But again she wouldn’t return any phone calls, texts, or e-mail. I was able to reach her two months later and get it back.

I invited her to a getaway this coming weekend and she acted like she was very interested initially but is not committing at all now. Does having a baby necessarily make you hot and cold about committing to hang out with a friend? I’m trying to make things work, but Sondra doesn’t make much of an effort. She did recently invite me to her daughter’s first birthday. But if the invitation doesn’t have something to do with her child, she isn’t interested. Is the friendship worth saving?

Sincerely,
Must All of Life Revolve Around Your Rugrat?

Dear MAOLRAYR?,

Sondra doesn’t have a narcissistic mommy problem; she has a serious flake problem. I say this because from your description it sounds as if the vanishing acts began in advance of her daughter’s birth. Though even if they didn’t, the inability to reply to a simple text concerning a lost object is nothing short of Friendal Neglect. As I’ve said in this column before, while infants are incredibly exhausting and time-consuming, they spend half the day napping. There’s no reason that new moms can’t find five minutes to check in with their old pals.

As for Sondra blowing off your invitation to take a second vacation together, the reality is that traveling with kids is a pain in the butt—and she may simply not be up for it. However, it sounds as if, where you’re concerned, she isn’t up for anything but the silent treatment. I suspect that at this moment in her life she’s most interested in spending time with other mothers (with whom she can compare breast-feeding schedules and the other fascinating-while-you’re-in-it-not-when-you-aren’t details of newborn life). But don’t be surprised if you hear from one of her new mommy friends that she’s been blowing off their play dates, too.

I suggest backing off and letting Sondra pursue you (or not). Hopefully, with time—and the fact of motherhood fully integrated into her life—you guys will find common ground again. Though I can say from experience that friends who don’t call back or don’t show up when they say they will are among the most hurtful ones you can have. They make you feel so close, and then so burned and rejected, over and over again. Masochists aside, who really needs it?

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Tags: aging, friend or foe, friendship, lesbianism

Lucinda Rosenfeld is the author of I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU: A Novel About Best Friends.

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Friend or Foe

Our friendship advice column.

DoubleX Staff
|
August 19, 2009

Friend or Foe: Can Men and Women Be Platonic Friends?

I think my boyfriend’s female bestie has feelings for him.

Lucinda Rosenfeld
|
November 30, 2009

Friend or Foe: I Want to See You, Not the Whole Crew

Our columnist tackles chronic “friend lumpers.”

Lucinda Rosenfeld
|
August 10, 2009

Life

Friend or Foe: Am I in Love With My Best Girlfriend?

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