A military wife decides what to tell her son about Santa.

It wasn’t my intention to ruin my son Ethan’s life by telling him Santa doesn’t exist. I hadn’t given it any thought at all, which perhaps was the problem. He asked me the question while I was woozy with sleep deprivation, torturing a sentence from an essay-in-progress, and mentally cataloging the grocery list. I think he may have repeated it two or three times before I even heard him. But my husband was deployed on an aircraft carrier much of that year, so Ethan had no one else to turn to.

“Mom. Mom. MOM!”

“Mmm-hmm?” I continued typing on my laptop.

“Is Santa Claus real?”

“Hmm?” I was still typing. I just need five more minutes, I felt like begging.

“Is Santa real?”

“Of course not.”

I was still too distracted to understand the potential impact of my answer. Ethan was only four years old then. He looked surprised—very surprised—but not particularly disappointed. After all, we don’t celebrate Christmas, so Santa wasn’t the source of his gifts. “He’s not?”

“No, he’s just a dressed-up person in a costume. The parents give the presents.”

“Oh, OK.”

At that point, my husband and I hadn’t discussed how we would explain Santa or the Tooth Fairy to the kids; we hadn’t even figured out what we wanted to tell them about God. And there was no way to call my husband on the aircraft carrier and ask him if I’d done the right thing. That’s one of the challenges of military deployments: You’re missing a co-parent who can act as consultant on the childrearing questions you don’t want to ask anyone else. In this case, I was hoping that my answer to Ethan fit our family criteria for giving things their correct names and not dumbing down ideas. Ethan was already devoted to scientific inquiry, so I knew he would quickly dismantle any tall tales I told, anyway.

When I was 6 or 7 years old, I was determined to outwit my mom into being straight with me. I believed in Santa and certainly loved him for the gifts he piled on the family room floor, though I didn’t celebrate Christmas growing up, either. (My mom loved to have a good time, so we marked nearly all holidays with parties and presents; in fact, my devotion to Santa was exceeded only by my gratitude to the Easter Bunny, who perfectly understood my desires and left more chocolate.) My strategy involved tricking my mom into thinking I already knew the truth and hoping the truth would out. I approached her at her vanity, where she was spraying White Shoulders, the fragrance that will forever conjure her.

“Mom, I have to tell you something,” I said seriously. I said everything seriously then. I had just been prescribed eyeglasses, so it seemed natural.

“Yes?”

“I already know there is no Santa Claus. I know he’s not real.”

She thought for a minute, and then met my gaze. The perfume still glittered in the air, giving her a magical aura. “You’re right,” she said.

I’m right? I thought, momentarily devastated. There’s no Santa?

But my desire to be correct was stronger than my desire to be fooled. It still is. And Ethan inherited this trait of mine, along with many others that will bruise and batter him as he paddles madly against the current.

As it happened, Ethan knowing the truth wasn’t the problem. The problem was the parents of the kids who learned from Ethan that the man in the red hat was just a man in a red hat.

It happened whiplash-fast, like every catastrophe that seems preventable in retrospect. We were at a kids’ Christmas party on base. Ethan was gluing sequins onto a felt stocking, and the kid next to him was contemplating her next craft. The kid mentioned that she was getting a Wii from Santa, and Ethan told her that we have the Wii and suggested a few games. Then he said, offhandedly, “But there’s no Santa. My mom told me.”

The other kid’s face froze in horror. She looked up at her mother, who turned to me with the identical expression but with adult anger and betrayal layered on top.

Tags: deployment diary, military wife and Christmas, truth about Santa

Alison Buckholtz is the author of Standing By: The Making of an American Military Family in a Time of War.

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