Farewell to "Modern Bride."

Last week came the sad news that Modern Bride magazine will bid adieu to the “I do” game. The unfortunate decline of print media continues even as the creative wedding industry at large remains strong, buoyed by the development of several new ways to tie ribbons on folding chairs. Soon, like the happy couples it advised, Modern Bride, beacon of the industry, will be lovingly pelted with birdseed and driven off into the sunset while a drunken uncle takes a moment to wash his feet in the ladies' restroom.

It is a testament to Modern Bride that it departs with its honor intact, instead of leaving us with the sinking feeling that it was compromised in the backseat of an Oldsmobile Alero by an issue of Golf Digest. Such was the sad fate of Libertarian Review.

Before I continue, I feel it best to disclose the details of my own wedding. Though a devotee of Modern Bride, I chose the guidance of its competitor Archaic Bride, which is delivered monthly via heliograph, an obsolete mode of communication in which bursts of sunlight are transmitted by mirror. Tragically, the July issue of Archaic Bride blinded our florist. On the upside, her guide dog wears the most beautiful leis. At any rate, choosing Archaic Bride in no way discredits my allegiance to Modern Bride. The decision was largely budgetary. A frugal reader of Archaic Bride can design a wedding for well under 115,000 mollusk shells.

Like many subscribers, I turned to Modern Bride not only to glean the latest nuptial news but to brush up on my math skills. It was a rare month that its cover did not challenge me with the promise of “935 Creative Ideas,” “670 Creative Ideas,” “703 Creative Ideas,” or “The Square Root of 937 Creative Ideas.” In fact, it was in the pages of Modern Bride that I learned there are more creative wedding ideas than there are base pairs in the human genome.

But what truly set Modern Bride apart was the strict code of ethics it applied to the production and distribution of those zillions of creative wedding ideas. As detailed in “Don’t Touch That: A People’s History of the Floating Candle,” until Modern Bride’s entrance on the scene, the creative wedding idea industry was riddled with sweatshop conditions, public safety concerns, and occasionally riddles. One popular publication suggested that brides ask their grooms “Why was the belt arrested? For holding up your pants!” It was an error that cost dozens of lives. The public demanded accountability, but the federal government was slow to respond. Into this vacuum, Modern Bride introduced a self-regulatory system that rated creative wedding ideas according to a color code: peach, coral, buttercup, champagne, blush, and raw chicken. It is still used today.

Without the leadership of Modern Bride, many fear the creative wedding industry will backslide, and we will see a return to the discredited methods of the past. The only way we can avoid such a fate is to arm ourselves with knowledge (which is still the best defense against anything other than fists, sticks, knives, clubs, guns, and packs of wild dogs):

Almost 80 percent of creative wedding ideas originate in northwestern Bolivia, where they are mined from the rich veins of the Cordillera Real at its border with the Altiplano. Mining here is a way of life and there is great excitement when seemingly out of the earth one hears the shout “Ay mi dios! Why not shake things up with a cupcake tower?”

Bolivia’s indigenous peoples believed these ideas were gifts from the gods and that their gods were just particularly poor at choosing gifts. To make use of them, a soothsaying ritual evolved in which an unmarried female would boil a creative wedding idea, grind the residue into a pulp, and steep it into a tea. In the mystical high that ensued, she would see visions of a terrifying future, wherein she would live alone, childless, with disposable income. Instead of joyfully crushing corn for her family, she would be forced to endure the backbreaking work of wandering the village when she feels like it, causing outbursts when the mood hits and accepting sacrifices from her neighbors. Except for the free time and steady flow of presents, it is a miserable existence.

Tags: creative wedding industry, modern bride

Allison Silverman is the former executive producer of The Colbert Report and a former writer for The Colbert Report, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Comments

cheap puma

By: zhenhua | Wed, 02/08/2012 - 23:28

Keep up the excellent work!

By: jakeblake | Wed, 02/08/2012 - 23:19

Keep up the excellent work! Articles On Photography artistic fashion photography

pumashoeshot

By: zhenhua | Sat, 02/04/2012 - 04:28

Cheap UGGs

By: 200991 | Tue, 01/10/2012 - 20:02

A nearly century-old hunting Cheap UGGs is catching on with a younger generation that sees the utilitarian footwear as hip.L.L Bean's familiar duck UGG Bailey Button with leather uppers and rubber soles - designed for slogging through mud and snow - has become something of a statement owing to its newfound popularity on campuses, UGG Amberlee the company said. Another reason is new styles, UGG Tularosa including something Leon Leonwood Bean surely never envisioned in 1912: bright blue and pink leather, new for spring.Part of the success of the UGG Kensington is its versatility, in barnyards or in cities, in snow or rain.Defying a trend toward offshore production,UGG Bailey Button Triplet the outdoors retailer is adding 125 full-time employees to its Maine manufacturing operation to keep pace with orders.
The well-known UGG Classic Short Sparkles appears to be benefiting from a retro trend, whether it's penny loafers or Gap's 1969 series blue jeans, said Candace Corlett, UGG Caspia president of WSL Strategic Retail in New York.Another factor that could be helping Bean: There's been little that's new and exciting in footwear in recent years beyond UGG Montclair boots and Crocs, said Alexander Geyman, editor of Focus on Fashion Retail. Trendy UGG Classic Cardy boots and the Timberland brand outstrip Bean's in sales, he said.
The duck UGG Classic Short carry the "Made in the USA" label, something that's hard to find these days in footwear. Nationwide, the number of shoe-manufacturing jobs dropped from more than 200,000 in the 1970s to 12,500 this year, UGG Fox Fur according to the U.S. Labor Department. In Maine, shoe-manufacturing jobs peaked at more than 25,000 in the 1960s, UGG Delaine and last year there were 1,300 jobs, according to the Maine Department of LaborWell-known Maine brands like G.H. Bass, Cole Haan, UGG Knightsbridge Sebago and Dexter are now made abroad. But L.L. Bean has resisted the notion of making its Bean UGG Plumdale.As the story goes, L.L. Bean created the hunting UGG Classic Tall for himself after his feet got wet and cold on a hunting trip, and it was not an instant success. Ninety of the first 100 pairs sold in 1912 were returned after the leather separated; Bean had a satisfaction guarantee, UGG Annabelle so he returned customers' money.These days, UGG Retro Cargo the original L.L. Bean Hunting Shoe is available unlined or with various linings, UGG Finnegan including Gore-Tex, Thinsulate and shearling. There are plenty of other variations, including quilted, canvas and plaid, UGG Sheepskin Cuff and even bright blue and pink leather. There are low-cut versions as well.All of them are still made by hand. The rubber soles are made by L.L. Bean workers in Lewiston, UGG Mayfaire and they're sewn to the leather uppers at an L.L. Bean plant in Brunswick.All told, there are 320 workers at L.L. Bean's factory in Brunswick, making UGG Highkoo, dog beds, canvas totes and other products.Each Gore-Tex liner is inflated and dunked in a tank to make sure it's watertight before being dried and put in the UGG Roslynn.

nike air max

By: lovenike | Mon, 01/09/2012 - 04:14

Nike Air Max series will belong to be changed. They are the best face of a shock protection system. Setting the standard for excellence, Air Max 2011 consistently combines great styling with exceptional quality, performance, and comfort:Air Max 2011.Air Max 2012.Air Max 24-7.Air Max 90.Nike Free 3.0.Nike Free Run

christianlouboutinhots

By: zhenhua | Sat, 01/07/2012 - 03:34

Women Nike Shox

By: Emi | Tue, 01/03/2012 - 03:39

Outlet malls are another way to find Mens Nike Shox R3. They carry a wide variety of shoe brands including the shox for discount prices. They will carry a variety of styles and colors including Cheap Women Shox R3 that have been discontinued from the regular stores. Outlet malls also have special sales during holiday weekends or other Nike Shox R4 weekends where the products are dramatically discounted.