The Vibrators of the Future

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Historically, the lowlights for women’s health products have been as wacky as they have been dubious. They have included the foot-powered breast enlarger, soap that allegedly washed away pounds, and (at least fictionally) the “Electrosizer,” a vibrating weight-loss belt featured on an episode of Mad Men (it offered other rewards). That’s not all! There have been questionable cellulite busters, endless pills, and IV drips of placenta to combat aging and fatigue (the last are for men, too).

And now come a few new products in lady care that manage to top the charts for ingenuity. Some, but not all, are suspect, and the oddest are worth anatomizing for their entertainment value and, sometimes, kernels of scientific creativity. Below is a round-up, in order of increasingly wild imagination, with ratings for utility as well. The scales run from one to 10, with 10 popping out of the cake. (You can also check out our photo gallery of the girly gadgets.)

Electrical patch for menstrual pain

This lightweight, battery-operated patch sits just inside the undies and sends pulses of electromagnetic waves to the uterus. The product’s maker, a company called BioElectronics, says that the device might reduce inflammation and pain by pushing fluid out of the swollen tissue, though elsewhere it admits that the mechanism of action is “not known.”

At first glance, the patch is reminiscent of a host of questionable wave-emitting devices. But the jury is still out on this one. In 2003, the Food and Drug Administration approved a sister product for patients recovering from cosmetic eyelid surgery. The company also describes a randomized clinical trial for menstrual pain in which patients who used the active patch for five days reported a significantly greater reduction in pain than patients given a sham alternative. If this data were to be peer-reviewed and published, it might give the product a credibility boost. FDA approval of the patch as a remedy for menstrual pain, which the company said it’s now seeking, would also help. With some popular prescription painkillers currently under sharp scrutiny, creative, non-drug alternatives for pain are certainly worth rooting for.

Imagination: 4
Utility: 7

Vaginal cones

These multicolored weights, which look like toy rocket ships, are inserted tampon-like into the vagina for a few minutes at a time. The repeated exertion of holding the cones in place and graduating to higher weights, as in bench pressing, is supposed to strengthen a woman’s pelvic-floor muscles and prevent incontinence, especially during pregnancy, after childbirth, and in menopause. First comes the yellow (20 grams), then the blue (34 grams), the green (50 grams), and the purple (a frightening 68 grams). Similar products also play up a promise of better orgasms.

The Italian company GlysBy makes the cones and sells them in several European countries. It hopes to enter the U.S. market with a partner that can help win FDA approval. In pursuit of scientific cred, GlysBy points to several small studies, which show that weighted vaginal cones can have modest benefits. A 2002 assessment by the Cochrane Collaboration, which looked at data from 15 relatively weak papers, concluded that for women with urinary incontinence, exercise with weighted vaginal cones is at least “better than no active treatment.” Still, some of the studies had notably high drop-out rates. Which suggests that the insertable exercise gear comes with an ick factor that should not be underestimated.

Imagination: 5
Utility: 7

Underarm fertility monitoring

This device, called the DuoFertility monitor, promises to pinpoint a woman’s most fertile time of month by taking her temperature roughly 20,000 times while she sleeps. The system includes a 3-centimeter-wide patch that sticks to the underarm. It collects reams of data that are transferred wirelessly to a hand-held reader, which crunches the numbers and predicts when a woman would be most likely to conceive. The pitch is that constant, automatic monitoring can detect the subtle rise in basal-body temperature associated with ovulation better than a woman can simply by taking her own temperature first thing in the morning (the tried and true method). A promo video contrasts a beleaguered woman, rising in darkness with a thermometer, to the blissful DuoFertility user, who gets to sleep late.

Of course, many women who try to monitor their fertility through temperature-taking (as well as cervical mucous monitoring) embrace these methods because they’re low-tech and free. That’s different from a gadget that sells for £495 across the pond. And for women who prefer a little more technology and convenience, a hormone-detecting ovulation kit goes for less than $20 at most drugstores.

Imagination: 6
Utility: 3

Menstrual stem cell cryo-preservation

A company that preserves umbilical-cord blood recently added a stranger service: processing and storing stem cells extracted from menstrual fluid. Those who sign on receive a kit containing a “menstrual cup,” which is inserted tampon-style and collects menstrual fluid over a few hours. The flow is mailed back to the company, Cryo-Cell International, which harvests stem cells and holds on to them for potential future use. All of this costs $499 for the processing and first year and $99 for each additional year.

The existence of menstrual stem cells, which may be able to differentiate into fat, bone, neural, and cardiac cells, is intriguing. And the company has formed research partnerships to test whether these cells might someday help to regenerate tissue damaged by heart disease or stroke, or whether they might be used to transport chemotherapeutic drugs to the site of cancer. But crucially, these big ideas are in early-stage testing, with no human trials underway. This means that even if the stars align, it would be years before any actual treatments become available. (Meanwhile, another potential stem cell therapy for heart disease just began clinical trials.)

The company argues that the younger a woman is, the more robust her stem cells. But it also admits that these cells are viable right up to menopause. In other words, the freezer storage can wait until we know whether the science supports it.

Imagination: 9
Utility: TBD