Elvis, My Old Boss, and Other Lead Players in Sexual Fantasies

Welcome to “The Desire Lab.” This project is designed to be one part confession, one part research—and we need your help. It is moderated by Daniel Bergner, who wrote this fabulous New York Times Magazine story, “What Do Women Want?,” which he is now turning into a book.

Daniel, the author of three award-winning books of journalism, will regularly ask a question—a new one is below—inspired by the current explorations of sex researchers and by your contributions. We invite you to send him candid, thorough answers to desirelab@slate.com. It may feel strange to type out things you’ve never shared with anyone, but try it. This is an ambitious project, and a place to safely explore passions and lusts, longings, and ideas.

The identity of everyone who writes in will be kept secret. We will publish many of the answers, and Daniel may e-mail you back to learn more for his book. The answers can get pretty explicit, obviously, so consider this your warning.

Thanks so much to everyone for taking part. I’m posting below a small sample of your answers to the first question I asked last month:

What role does sexual fantasy play in your life? Some researchers say that erotic fantasy does not play a major part in women’s lives. Little is truly known. How often—and when—do you fantasize about sex? What are the fantasies? How long do they last? I hope you will get deeply into the details. Understanding lies in such depth.

For newcomers, I am still interested in responses to this original question. To those of you who have already written in, let’s continue exploring the subject. Several of the answers I've received note that fantasy is essential to reaching orgasm. Researchers are beginning to study the parts of the brain that are involved in sexual climax. For those of you who depend on fantasy to come, is your sense that fantasy is putting you over the edge by stoking up arousal? By shutting off the voices of inhibition? By creating a kind of distance between you and your partner? Is fantasy serving in some other way?

I noticed that very few of last week's responders said they do not often fantasize. Probably this was a product of the way I phrased the initial question. Please don't hesitate to write in with your thoughts if you fantasize rarely or not at all.

I’m interested, too, in the fact that themes of violence and submission emerged so strongly in the replies. When I raised the topic of rape fantasies in my New York Times Magazine article, I did so with some hesitation—and with some uneasiness from the psychologists I had spoken with about the subject. Let’s state clearly what probably goes without saying: This discussion is not an endorsement of sexual assault. But it would be enlightening to hear your analysis about the appeal of such fantasies. And it would be illuminating to know whether there are lots of women out there whose imaginings don’t include the themes of violence and submission at all.

Please do feel free to comment on each other’s contributions, but remember to be respectful. This is a space that aims not for judgment but insight.

I’ll be posting more replies and posing a new question soon.

Jesus Can’t Blame Me for Being Raped

My husband and I have been married for three years, together sexually for seven. I was a virgin when I met him, but I started masturbating when I was about 10 or 11. Because I grew up in a pretty religious and conservative household, I was always kind of embarrassed about masturbating, so I certainly never discussed it with anyone. The scenarios I always masturbated to were essentially rapes. The most common one was of a middle-aged balding man raping me while I was held down either by other people or chemically paralyzed (complicated, I know). The rape thing makes sense: Receiving sexual pleasure wasn't my fault if I was being raped. I didn't have to explain myself to Jesus or my parents or anyone else if I was being restrained. It's depressing that that's where my erotic imagination went, but it went there nonetheless. Where the bald man came from, I have no idea.

Tags: sex, the desire lab

Daniel Bergner is a contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine and the author of three books of nonfiction: The Other Side of Desire, In the Land of Magic Soldiers, and God of the Rodeo.

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Health & Science

Elvis, My Old Boss, and Other Lead Players in Sexual Fantasies

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