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Welcome to "Threeway," a regular Double X discussion feature in which three contributors dissect politics and culture from distinct points of view. Our first discussion among Hanna Rosin, Stephen Metcalf, and Meghan O'Rourke is about three recent parenting memoirs. This is part 1. Read part 2 here, part 3 here, and part 4 here.
Steve,
Apparently, moms complain and cry a lot. Dads go to the Princess Park and have fun.
I'm not starting this way because you're a man and I'm a woman. I'm starting this way because the gender split in this latest crop of Bad Mommy (and now Daddy) books—Ayelet Waldman's Bad Mother, Dooce-blogger Heather Armstrong's It Sucked and Then I Cried, and Michael Lewis' Home Game—is hard to ignore, at least on the surface. The books are part of the usual wave of parenting books that appear around Mother's Day every year. Waldman's is about the "mother police" who judge her "maternal crimes." Armstrong dives into her post-partum depression. Keeping up with the moms, Lewis dutifully makes a few stabs at exploring his inadequacies as a father. But it's a half-hearted attempt, and he quickly moves on to the fun parts.
You and I both know that parenting has its joys and agonies, etc. So why is it that in the public forum, it's become routine for mothers, in particular, to self-flagellate? And where did the concept of the "mommy police" come from? Historically privileged women complained about many domestic duties, but parenting wasn't really among them; it was just something you did between the honeymoon and retirement. Even when women tuned into their reproductive cycles as a source of oppression, the real enemy was the sexist boss or the condescending male pediatrician. Now it's other women, judging your every move. Does Lewis' book—and Sam Apple's American Parent out later this month—signal that dads are the new moms? That there will be daddy wars soon?
Somehow I don't think so. On the face of it, Lewis and Waldman would seem to have similar lives; both live in the Bay Area and are well-known writers married to famous people. Their experiences as parents, however, feel utterly different. In Home Game, Lewis writes about parenting as one big fabulous adventure. Whisk my daughters to Paris! Bermuda! Now off to the racetrack! Even when things go wrong—Mickey Mouse scares the kids, no one can fall asleep in the tent—the incident is so hilarious in the retelling that it all seems worth it. The judging parents appear in his stories for comic relief, a scowling chorus to his dancing bear. Waldman's life as portrayed in Bad Mother, by contrast, is about as fun as the gulag. She drags herself through boredom, depression, a harrowing abortion. Other mothers harangue her at work, at the store, on the Internet.
Part of this tension clearly has to do with women's confusion about roles. It's uncomfortable to be just a mother and maybe better to be a "bad-mother," which has a connotation of "bad-ass" mother, as Waldman has said in interviews. Waldman describes how her own mother cottoned to Betty Friedan in the '70s and told her not to stay home and raise children. Waldman was a lawyer when her first child was born; her husband took care of their child. This would seem to be an ideal set-up, but she became antsy, jealous of her husband and daughter's blissful domestic routine. She quit her job to join the party, but then soon became bored and miserable. With gender roles shifting so quickly, women have no place to settle—and they can always second-guess their choices.
This all doesn't explain, however, why women have shifted the blame onto other mothers. Friedan asked women to look inside themselves. Waldman points a finger at the mythical "Good Mother," who
Hanna Rosin Double X co- editor, reporter, prefer my friends live.
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