Welcome to "Threeway," a regular Double X discussion feature in which three contributors dissect politics and culture from distinct points of view. Our first discussion among Hanna Rosin, Stephen Metcalf, and Meghan O'Rourke is about three recent parenting memoirs. This is part 4. Read part 1 here, part 2 here and part 3 here.

Hi Steve, Meghan,

“Useless trash.” Jeez, Steve, You are hard on Michael Lewis. I envy a man who can turn his every stroll down the block into a ten-minute short. It’s like having a film reel of your life running at all times in your head, dramatizing your life. I’m afraid to admit this, but I also love Elizabeth Gilbert, although I could not bring myself to read Eat, Pray, Love for fear the India chapter would sour me on her forever. Spiritual journeys are not my thing.

I envy him and you for another reason. You summarize parenting as a “total engagement with life.” But I have never been able to shake the feeling that it’s the opposite. When I am with my children—and I deeply enjoy being with them—I can not shut down the part of my brain that thinks there is somewhere outside Candyland where I should be.

What I took from Ann Hulbert’s fabulous Raising America was something different. The experts always tried to fuck us up, and pull us between the two polls—Spank! No, coddle!—but “we,” meaning “we mothers” have always resisted. Whatever the parenting controversy of the day, we shrugged and placed ourselves somewhere in the middle. But that pose requires a certain solid maternal authority on the part of “we mothers” which nowadays is mostly lost. The last gasp of it came in the 1970s when La Leche League and the women’s health movement fought back against the medical patriarchy. Without any experts to rage against, we’ve turned on ourselves.

My marriage is also pretty 50-50. Like your wife, I create the organizational framework for the kids, and probably do a little more of the boots on the ground. But David cooks, pays all the bills, does his share of doctor’s appointments and playing, and leaves me plenty of space for my work. The difference is, I’ve watched him take on new paternal roles with equanimity, whereas for me each one brings on a mini-identity crisis. I don’t exactly yearn for the days of fewer choices for women and more robust institutions. I don’t at all, in fact. But I do believe those things would have helped me understand my place and would have helped me navigate even the deepest fears and anxieties that Meghan, you write about.

Hanna

Michael Lewis from ”Authors@Google” still from YouTube

Photo of Ayelet Waldman by Stephanie Rausser.

Hanna Rosin Double X co- editor, reporter, prefer my friends live.

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Ayelet Waldman’s Bad Mommy and Michael Lewis’ Home Game

What the mommy (and daddy) confessionals utterly fail to capture about parenthood.

Stephen Metcalf
|
May 14, 2009

Why Are Moms Such a Bummer?

Moms complain. Dads have fun.

Hanna Rosin
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May 14, 2009

What’s The Real Reason All These Moms Argue With Each Other?

My existential theory.

Meghan O'Rourke
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May 15, 2009

Arts

The Endless Identity Crisis