Being the Perfect Military Wife is Exhausting

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Welcome to "Threeway," a regular Double X discussion feature in which three contributors dissect politics and culture from distinct points of view. Our second discussion is among three women who have written memoirs about their experiences as military wives: Lily Burana, author of I Love a Man in Uniform: A Memoir of Love, War, and Other Battles, Alison Buckholtz, author of Standing By: The Making of an American Military Family in a Time of War, and Sophia Raday, author of Love in Condition Yellow. This is part three. Read part one here and part two here.

Dear Alison and Lily,

The countdown to deployment is such an agonizing time for a military spouse. Alison, you asked whether it was more difficult to stay on base or leave. I think you’ll find it’s a mixed bag.

You, like Lily, like me, will no doubt notice more acutely how you’ve been changed by your military experience once you are back in your old environment. When I came home to Berkeley after a year living on post at the Army War College in conservative Carlisle, Pa., I was both relieved and somewhat resentful to be among my liberal peers again. It was nice not to be so isolated politically, and yet I felt very acutely that most people here were not touched by the war the way my family was.

I’ve been chided for that line you mentioned, Alison, “Berkeley, a place where people like to pretend war doesn’t exist,” because of course there are many people here who are very aware of the horrors of war and deeply committed to ending them. But others seemed, at least in my lonely state, to be taking Bush’s directive to heart: doing their part for the war by going shopping.

On the other hand, I experienced some freedom in leaving the base. While I did miss the military spouse sisterhood that transcended differences in background, education, and experience, I didn’t miss the pressure I sensed to perform a pre-conceived role. I’m talking about the “Perfect Army wife” you describe so aptly, Lily. Even though officially a wife’s performance should no longer affect a husband’s promotion opportunities, we somehow still feel a strong pressure to conform. On base, I felt a sense of scrutiny—real or imagined, I’m not quite sure. I know even my husband felt the burden, judging by the weekly attention he gave to our lawn on post that he never gave our garden at home.

When my husband was first mobilized, I was given a thick red “Family Readiness” binder. On the first page was The Prayer of the Army Spouse: “Dear God”, it began, “I am proud to be wed to one who defends freedom and peace...” (OK, a little simplistic, but I am proud of my husband.) “You are the symbol of my religious beliefs…” (please don’t tell me how to express my religious beliefs)…”Make willing my heart and hands to do even the smallest tasks that will make our house a better home (yikes, get me out of here).

The military’s “Family Readiness Group” system still rankles me occasionally. I know that FRG—a codified program of trainings and volunteer structure to link unit spouses and families—is a step forward for the military because it is at least an acknowledgment of the family’s needs. My uncle, who is a retired Army colonel, informs me that in his day, the Army’s attitude was “if the Army wanted you to have a family, it would issue you one.”