Friend or Foe: The Touchy-Feely Acquaintance

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You [2], a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com [3].

Dear Friend or Foe,

I've just moved back to the town where I grew up and reconnected with a woman—“Linda”—whom I knew in college 20 years ago. We weren't good friends then. It was more that we ended up at the same parties. In the present, however, she's pushing for a close friendship, as neither of us really knows other people here. Despite the allure of a same-age friend, I'm not sure I want what she has to offer.

My problem is that Linda wants to be too close to me, in every sense of the word. I will move my bar stool away so she can't grab my leg when she speaks to me. Rather than getting the clue, she moves hers closer. A naturally cranky person, I’ve actually told her I need more physical space. Which she disregards, saying I need to relax.

She is also too present in my virtual life. She’s always commenting on my Facebook posts (usually within minutes of the actual posting), butting into conversations (when I’m engaged in wall-to-wall chats that she isn’t part of), and posting things on my wall that should be handled offline. She even put a picture of the two of us up as her profile picture after I admitted to un-tagging all photos of me and to how much I dislike having my picture up on FB.

Truly, I don't need friends for this behavior. (I thought that was what family was for?) Is she too much, or am I too little? To be fair, my friends make fun of how much I dislike touchy people (maybe this is why I'm still single?) and especially space invaders who ignore personal boundaries.

Sincerely,
Give Me Some Space, Woman

Dear GMSSW,

A friend of mine once posited that all of humankind can be broken down into dogs and cats. Dogs run to the door to greet their owners; cats, on the other hand, upon hearing the key in the lock, slink away to be alone. It’s interesting that you self-identify as the ultimate cat. And yet you’ve managed to friend-hook-up with a woman who sounds like a borderline stalker. Honestly, I’m surprised you’ve managed to spend more than five minutes with this woman without wielding a weapon!

People sitting and standing too close when I talk to them is one of my pet peeves, too. So I especially sympathize with that part of your complaint. If you want Linda to back off—but also hope to preserve the friendship—make it about yourself. Tell her you have anxiety issues that make you break out in hives when others get too near (and would she mind scooting backward, preferably by 50 feet?).

If, on the other hand, you long for Linda to scoot all the way out of the bar, never to be seen again, you can always go into your FB privacy settings, type in the woman’s name, and click “block.” (Getting de-friended sends a pretty clear message.) But are you sure you want to, fuzzy feline?

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

Denise and I became friends because she was married to my oldest guy friend, Bob. Fast-forward two years: Bob has moved out, but keeps telling Denise that he wants to stay married. And she’s gone along with it. What she doesn’t know is that he’s overdrawn their bank account, isolated her from mutual friends, and even signed a lease without her, then lied about it. She’s also partially supporting him. The one time I suggested it might be better for her to get a divorce, she told me I was attacking her. She has also said that she’s afraid of being alone. I find the situation depressing, and it makes me want to withdraw from her.

What’s more, since Denise is no longer is in a relationship, she calls me on weekend nights to do things—and that’s my time with my boyfriend. But when I tell her I’m busy, she gets mad. (She’s not the kind of person who goes out in groups, so that’s not an option.) Also, she spends a lot of time saying negative things about my boyfriend, who, though not perfect, was also her friend as well. Finally, she makes a point of saying negative things about my family, especially my sister, with whom I have spent many years rebuilding a relationship, and who is also married with a kid.

I'm not willing to have “a talk” with her, so how do I set limits in ways that allow me to maintain some contact without getting angry?

Sincerely,
It’s Not My Fault Your Marriage Didn’t Work Out

Dear INMFYMDWO,

Your letter left me curious as to the fate of your friendship with Bob. Should we assume that he, too, has remained your buddy, if only superficially, despite the anger you feel at the way he’s treated Denise? Or was he somehow worthy of an air-clearing “talk”—while Denise failed to earn this honor? No one enjoys sitting across from an old pal and telling them what he/she has done wrong. But if your friend is at all valuable to you—and you’re harboring this many resentments against her—I don’t see how you can continue to go through the motions without saying something.

Now, regarding what you have to say: I have no excuses to offer Denise regarding her negativity about your boyfriend and sister. Apparently she never learned the first rule of marriage: Only blood relations get to criticize blood relations. But I can also see how repeated declines on your part of weekend invitations might have left her feeling neglected, especially since her husband has recently checked out. Do you ever think to invite her anywhere? What about setting her up with a new guy and inviting him to join the three of you at a restaurant? I doubt she’d turn down that kind of group offer.

If you don’t mind me saying so, you also seem inordinately worked up over someone else’s marital failings. I’m not condoning Denise’s passivity, but it sounds worthy of sympathy, not excoriation. The string she’s clutching may no longer lead to anything but a deflated balloon, but she’s obviously terrified of letting go. Have a little compassion.

Please also note that not everyone is lucky enough to have a) a loving partner and b) close family around. Consider yourself blessed, but also know that your situation could change. And then, you, too, might occasionally need your friends to take you out on a Saturday night.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

A friend I’ll call "Southern Gal" and I became close because she moved into my neighborhood at a low ebb for both of us. We’re both older women, both divorced (nastily). The problem: She talks nonstop. I once clocked her at 90 minutes straight marked by no more from me than the occasional, "I see." And when we part company, I'll come home and she’ll have left a message on my answering machine! She can be very giving, but her self-absorption is overwhelming. To make matters more difficult, she has remarried and I have not; my personal circumstances have become very challenging. I don't want to face monologues from her about her husband and how great he and married life and her wonderful job all are. I’m a lot calmer and happier with "Southern Gal" out of my life, but she keeps sending me notes asking me what's up. I haven't responded because I just don't know what to say. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Do You Ever Shut That Trap of Yours?

Dear DYESTTOY?

I’m sorry your letter finds you in a challenging period of your life. In the meantime, pity the poor (new) husband who has to listen to "Southern Gal" natter on for the rest of his life. (Or maybe he’s one of those conversationally challenged males who finds relief in a lady friend’s verbosity, if only because it means he never has to open his mouth, except to eat.) In any case, if you two don’t have a long history, I’d say leave well enough alone. After the fourth unanswered e-mail, she’ll eventually get the hint and take her yackety-yakking elsewhere.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe