Friend or Foe: My Bridesmaid Hates Big Weddings

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You [2], a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com [3].

Dear Friend or Foe,

I just turned 37, and I’m getting married in two months. Most of my closest friends have been married for a while now and have at least two children. I'm pretty sure everyone is thrilled for us, since they’ve been waiting for this day FOREVER. Everyone except for my “best friend” Carin. She’s being kind of awful about the whole wedding part. I’m not one of those bridal people who has been looking forward to this day since I was 5. It’s my husband-to-be who really wanted a big wedding. So that’s what we’re doing: three days, destination wedding, the whole shebang. And Carin is, of course, one of my bridesmaids. But as the day gets closer, I’m feeling less and less like she belongs in the bridal party. Recently, she asked, “When is the latest possible time I can arrive at your wedding? Also, just so you know, I’ll be leaving at the crack of dawn the next day.”

Me: “Well, things get started on Friday, and I’d love for you to be there the whole time. I could really use the support.”

Carin: “Well, I don't know if I can. We can't leave the kids for so many days.”

A week later:

Carin: “Does [my husband] have to come to the rehearsal dinner?”

Me: “Well, he should really be there, since he's reading at the wedding.”

Carin: “Yeah, but does he have to?”

A week after that:

Me: “We have room for the wedding party to stay on site with us all weekend, free of charge. Will you stay with us?”

Carin: “To be honest, we were planning on making it a romantic weekend away.”

It’s worth mentioning that Carin and her husband eloped. Among other things, they didn’t want to deal with the drama that comes with divorced parents who hate each other. However, she also tells me constantly how glad she is they didn't have a wedding—what a waste of money and how silly it all is. But, of course, she's really excited for ours. (Yeah, right.)

Sincerely,
I’m Finally Getting Married—Can’t This One Weekend Be About Me?

Dear  IFGMCTOWBAM?,

My first reaction was that Carin is a serious undermine-y party-pooper—just because she doesn’t want to deal with her own complicated seating arrangements doesn’t mean she has to piss on yours. But on closer examination, it sounds to me as if Carin is in a difficult spot and doesn’t know how to handle it—or, rather, has handled it poorly thus far. In any case, you guys are definitely due an air-clearing talk.

It’s possible that Carin genuinely wants to “be there” for you, but that traveling to a destination wedding, then spending three days there without her young(?) children, has turned your Big Day into her Logistical Nightmare. Many owners of tiny tots have only themselves and their baby sitters to rely on, the latter of whom are usually loath to do sleepovers, or will do so only for a high price.

You say you were never the bridezilla type. If so, maybe you should cut her some slack, at least on the rehearsal dinner and early Sunday departure fronts. The important part is that she’s at the actual wedding, performing her best-woman duties, right? Alternately, if you can’t bear the thought of not having her there all weekend, you could propose that she bring the kids with them, then help to arrange on-site baby-sitting.

As for the romantic getaway comment, I admit that Carin’s response sounds on the ungracious side. But the reality is that she may well be simultaneously dreading and looking forward to getting away from the little ones—and sleeping in the next room over from you guys isn’t what she had in mind.

I have no defense to offer on behalf of Carin’s insensitive harping on the silliness and wastefulness of weddings. That’s just bad manners. Bottom line: You’ve waited many years for this fantabulous moment. Don’t let Carin’s baby-sitting problems spoil the fun. My advice: Pour yourself a glass of Champagne and chill.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

After college, two of my closest female friends—“Mary” and “Jane”—both moved to a major city. These friends do not get along: Although we were all in the same shared-interest house on campus, they had a pretty big falling-out a couple of years ago and haven't gotten along since. When I planned to visit, I made arrangements to stay with Mary because Jane is pet-sitting a cat, and I am very allergic. When Jane found out, she told me she didn't want to see Mary at all, not even in passing. And I agreed. Jane had another mutual friend visiting that weekend as well and so had planned a Sunday brunch to which she invited pretty much all the friends from the house who live in the area except for Mary. I told her I wasn't sure if I could make it, but I would definitely try to see her (Jane) as much as I could that weekend. I even sent her the hours I knew I'd be free.

I spent the weekend shuttling back and forth from one to the other of them, but I did not attend Jane’s brunch. (Though I did spend the previous evening partying with Jane.) The day after I got home, I received a very long e-mail from Jane saying I was not acting like a good friend—and that while I had probably spent as much time with her as I did with Mary, she felt I was scheduling her in whenever Mary was busy and was unwilling to do the reverse. I responded that I considered her a close friend, but that I felt that attending the brunch would be incredibly rude to Mary, who was, after all, putting me up. Jane then replied that I was being condescending and acting as if she should be honored that I spent any time with her.

Given the circumstances, did I do anything wrong? Obviously the best solution would have been to stay at a hotel, but I am currently living at home and taking out loans to pay for grad school, so that was out of the question. For the record, Mary did not object to having to see Jane in passing and in fact asked me why I was going to so much effort to avoid letting their paths cross.

Sincerely,
Don’t Make Me the Issue When It’s You Guys Who Need Counseling

Dear DMMTIWIYGWNC!,

Petty, petty, petty!! Seriously, your friend Jane sounds like she has WAY too much time on her hands! Maybe she could devote some of it to ladling at a soup kitchen? Alternately, she could take up golf ... But really: Jane’s Mary problem is so not yours. Your only mistake? Getting involved, however unwittingly, in another friend-couple’s hater-ating drama. Next time, I suggest dividing and conquering. Which is to say, if you can’t afford a hotel, let one of them visit YOU. By then—who knows?—Mary and Jane may have kissed and made up and possibly even begun a passionate love affair. Because, seriously, these two sound a little too obsessed with each other. Or, at least, Jane sounds obsessed with Mary. Good luck with grad school. Sorry you missed the bacon and eggs.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

I have a good friend—Marisa—whom I adore. She can be moody, but I don’t mind that. What I wonder about is her trustworthiness. For example, completely unsolicited on my part, she'll say to me something like, "God, that skirt Jennifer is wearing makes her legs look like tree trunks!" And then, a few desks away (we work in an office with cubicles), I'll hear her saying to Jennifer, "I LOVE your skirt. It looks so great on you!!"

I believe Marisa is a people-pleaser. Fine. But then, why does she have to “bad-mouth” before she charms? In general, I find her to be a good listener and fun to hang out with. However, her behavior has made me wary of trusting her with regard to weightier matters. Should I ask her why she demeans others behind their backs—or let it go, considering that our colleagues’ outfits aren't really the big news items of the week?

Sincerely,
Bewildered in Cubicle 10B

Dear BIC10B,

Your friend Marisa should be trusted as far as the other side of the office—but definitely not all the way to the bathroom stalls. To wit, you might not be the victim today, but you will be tomorrow. And, in a way, every time she belittles another girl’s butt, she’s insulting all of our saddlebags. Because we specimens of the lady persuasion already have all of society judging our boobs and behinds (and expecting us to look 25 forever). Do we really need “friends” doing the same?

Next time Marisa starts up about someone’s lousy body, I suggest you say with a laugh, “You are such a bitch!” Alternately, you can try, “Actually, I think her butt looks adorable in those jeans.” There’s also, “Dude, have you looked in the mirror lately?” The important point is that you say something. Because your silence = a passive form of playing along, which Marisa might well interpret as egging on.

You say you adore Marisa. Maybe I’m in a paranoid mood today, but—sorry—she sounds dangerous.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe