Friend or Foe: My Guest Wants to Bring Her Demon Children

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You [2], a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com [3].

Dear Friend or Foe,

I'm at a loss over a situation with a close friend of mine who recently had a baby. When “Kelly” was pregnant, she was at my house nearly every day, hanging out, asking if various pregnancy symptoms were normal, and playing with my kids as "practice." I helped her deal with the mood swings and hormones. I tried to comfort her after she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her throughout the pregnancy. (He went so far as to spit in her face on her birthday when she caught him coming out of a bar with another girl, but that’s another story.) When Kelly's daughter was born, I went to see them at the hospital. That was the last time I saw the baby.

The same day Kelly got out of the hospital, she dropped the baby off with her mom and went running around town to hang out with her despicable dude. Every weekend, she leaves the baby with someone and goes out drinking. I stopped talking to Kelly because I think the way she's behaving is absolutely ridiculous. I understand that moms need a break sometimes (Lord knows, I do!) but do you really need to go get plastered at a club before your baby is even a week old? The real kicker was when she showed up at my house at 2:30 in the morning, stumbling around drunk, screaming that she missed me, and wanting to know why I hadn't been talking to her.

Should I try to help Kelly out? Or should I just move on before her antics drive me insane? I've tried to help her in the past, but she's too stubborn to listen to any advice, and then wants to know why bad things always happen to her.

Sincerely,
My Friend Makes Britney Spears Look Like Mother Earth

Dear MFMBSLLME,

Kelly sounds like a real keeper! (Not.) But, really, it’s amazing you’ve made it this far into a friendship with a woman this out to lunch—or maybe I should say, “out to liquor.” The boyfriend might be literally cheating, but Kelly is cheating both herself and her child of any hope of a happy (read: functional) life.

I’m of the belief that you don’t “owe” anyone anything in this world. But if you want to be a good friend, sit the woman down and find out what’s going on in her head. If Kelly is suffering from postpartum depression—the most generous reading of the situation—call your doctor and find out the name of a medical professional to whom you can refer her. If, on the other hand, she’s just a “mom gone wild,” tell her you love and care for her but that you can’t sit passively and watch her life go down the diaper genie. You might also mention that, if she keeps up the Britney impression, she’ll end up losing her child to foster care.

You could also consider playing fairy godmother to the poor little thing whose cruel fate it was in life to get Kelly as a mother—and who is getting about as much TLC right now as Kelly is out of her expectorating beau. No doubt Kelly will take advantage of any offer on your part to baby-sit. That is, don’t be surprised if she shows up with the kid’s wardrobe, stroller, changing table, and crib—and a number to call in case you ever need to reach her again. But at least you’ll be exposing Little Timmy/Tammy/Tequila to the look and feel of a happy home. (Don’t forget to feel lucky that you have one.)

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

I have a friend of 20 years, “Janie,” who has spawned demon children. Well, OK, they weren't born that way, but she's parented them to be scary. By the time they were walking, I was spending as little time as possible with them.

In her mind, one child is a problem because she sees him as having special needs. He does have issues, but—IMHO—she's created them. She thinks the other child can do no wrong. But, to my mind, he’s a scheming monster who is just very clever about doing stuff behind her back so that her other child always gets blamed. That said, Janie calls me a couple of times a month to tell me she's “mortified” that one or the other has been kicked out of school, or broken something in another friend's house, or—in one instance—buried a cat under a mountain of toys.

Here’s the problem: I have a large gathering coming up that I had to invite her to. She's not only talking about coming, but coming alone (no husband) and with both kids. I live a good distance away. So they’ll all be here at least a few days. There will also be small children and pets here. I’m really afraid they’re going to break something or hurt someone (little person or pet).

Lest your advice be to tell Janie she’s parenting her sons right into prison, I’ve already said stuff. So have her mother and her sister. She ignored all of us. She has also found people who think her kids are adorable and that their behavior is acceptable because “boys will be boys.” What should I do?

Sincerely,
Help! My Friend Spawned Demon Children

Dear HMFSDC,

I feel your pain. But I think you’re putting too much blame on mom. First of all, where does dad come into this? Might he be the missing link, teaching his kids how to skin squirrels out back? Second of all, you’re assuming that these kids are 100 percent the product of their failure to be disciplined. And no doubt the occasional thwacking on the behind would go some distance to tame the wild ones. But in my experience so far (I’ve got girls, but still), when it comes to personality, nature trumps nurture every time. Which is to say, it’s possible these guys simply came out of the gate in all their hell-raising glory. Hopefully, later in life, they’ll find a productive outlet for all that manic aggression. In the meantime, pity the woman who has to call the owner of that poor dead kitty to explain how Muffins met her end. ...

You say that Janie blows off everyone’s complaints. But judging from what she tells you on the phone, I’d hazard a guess that she’s plenty aware of the havoc her boys wreak—and plenty embarrassed about it, too. She probably also feels powerless to stop them. One Damien Thorn [4] is a full-time job; two, more than any mother should be expected to handle without wielding knives. For this reason, she’s likely also grown extra-sensitive to the criticism and feels personally attacked when their behavior is commented upon.

Before she and the boys arrive for your House Party From Hell, I suggest calling Janie to chitchat and casually asking about the boys. A simple line like, “That must be rough to deal with,” can open a thousand windows that previously remained shut. When they finally arrive, sit the monsters down and tell them that you’re counting on them to be the “grown-up kids” this weekend. What’s more, you’re entrusting them to watch over the younger kids and pets—and you might be pleasantly surprised by the response you get. If, on the other hand, they immediately start flushing babies down toilets, you have every right to take them (and mom) aside and insist that they relocate to the Ramada that very instant.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,
I recently started classes as a grad student at a new university. I became friends with a fellow student—“Tina”—who is a couple years younger than me but who started at the same time as I did. We had fun hanging out together, and although I sometimes thought she was a little immature, I thought the friendship was a good one. One night, I came to her with some relationship troubles I was having with a male grad student, who is a mutual friend of ours. She managed to calm me down, and we spent a while talking. I was grateful to her but also asked that she remain mum about what was going on.

I found out that Tina immediately turned around and spilled everything to another friend of ours. Both the guy involved and I were very angry, and I confronted her. Not only did she tell me she didn't say anything, but she outright lied (again) and said it was another person who told her about us! Both of us are just disgusted by her behavior. The problem is, we have to work together at times and see her socially at student events. What should I say when I see her?

Sincerely,
Don’t Know How To Deal With a Pathological Liar and Gossip

Dear DKHTDWAPLAG,

How about you say: nothing! Liar Liar Pants on Fire double-crossed you, and you’re pissed. So cross her off your list of friends! There’s no rule that says you have to be buddies with everyone in your grad student program. Plus, you refer to yourself as a “we.” So I’m assuming that you and Male Graduate Student worked things out. How great! Hope you guys had a super-cool Labor Day. Just don’t forget that everyone gossips (it’s fun!) and everyone lies (especially when put on the spot). And anyone who doesn’t admit that is lying.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Photograph of child by Photodisc/Getty Images.