Friend or Foe: Stop Obsessing About My Virginity

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You [2], a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com [3].

Dear Friend or Foe,

My best friend “Taylor” and I have been friends for more than eight years, going back to high school. We share the same outlook on a lot of things, but lately we’ve been having the same fight over and over. I have a problem with her butting in on my sex life or, really, my lack of one. I’m a twentysomething virgin who is waiting for the right time—and who has been treated like a leper when people find out about the status of my hymen.

My best friend, who is a steadfast Christian, has been very vocal about why I should save myself for my future husband. The thing is, she has had many sex times before, and hardly within the confines of marriage. Now, with her newfound wisdom, she’s appointed herself guardian of my chastity. She's told me that being a virgin is what makes me “special,” and if I have sex, my “specialness” will disappear. She’s making me feel guilty for something I haven't even done yet. I know I’m going to be in relationships, and I'd rather have a friend who will help me rather than scold me. I care about her as I would a sister, but I'm getting tired of constantly defending my choices. Should I break off our friendship or try to work it out with her?

Sincerely,
Reserving the Right To Discard My Chastity Belt When Mr. Right Presents Himself

Dear RTRTDMCBWMRPH,

As a relative late bloomer myself, I can imagine how your virginity has simultaneously become a point of pride and a total nightmare. But it’s YOUR Halloween II [4], not your friend’s. Having already had her kicks, Taylor has some nerve dictating who you do or don’t bring to bed! Seriously, who told this woman she was the pope?

And when you do make the decision to hand in your V-card, you also have the right either to make a huge production out of the matter with Mr. Right or just get it over with by doing Mr. Wrong. In the meantime, you need to have a nice long chat with Her Holiness. Tell her you’re happy she considers you so special, but that by papal decree, she needs to ex-communicate on the issue of where and when you untether that specialness. Instead, it’s a conversation you need to have with yourself and your God. Explain that you’ve been under a lot of stress. You might also note that she wouldn’t understand, not being a virgin.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

My longtime best friend and I were both perpetually single until she went online and met her fiance. Getting married is the first life event that “Leslie” has been through before I have, and I'm happy to celebrate her day. Except the specifics seem a little … personal. Though she and the fiance have both lived in a different state for years, she is coming back to our hometown where I still live to get married. (Her family's here, so that part I get.) But the ceremony is also on my birthday. With bridesmaids wearing my favorite color, a shade I would have used for my wedding—and she said once that she doesn’t even like teal! I fully realize this is petty, but I can't help feeling as though the wedding specifics are a little bit of an in-my-face jab at how she's getting married first. Am I overreacting?

Sincerely,
There's No Place Like Our Hometown On My Birthday at Your Wedding

Dear TNPLOHOMBAYW,

Wait! I think I saw that movie. Didn’t it star Kate Hudson and that cute girl with the big brown eyes, Anne Something? Bride Skirmish? Was that what it was called? But really, girlfriend, you need to get a grip. You don’t own your hometown. And you definitely don’t own the color blue. You don’t even own a calendar date. Chances are that Leslie called her church/wedding palace/ashram and asked to book a time in the late spring—and June whatever was the only date the place still had available. As for it happening to be your birthday, unless it’s a big one (21, 30, 40, 50, etc.), I wasn’t aware that people kept pinning the tail on the donkey past the age of 11. Methinks you’re mad that Leslie is getting married first. If this is the case, perhaps you should be taking out your rage at your temporizing boyfriend, not your trusty old pal. My advice: Plaster a smile on your face and proceed to the stage. If your bridesmaid dress really is your favorite color, you’ll be able to wear it again. Lucky you.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

I have a relatively new friend, “Jen.” For almost a year now, we’ve lived next door to each other in a two-family house with a communal yard. Our husbands work for the same company, so they were already acquainted with each other when we moved in. After moving in next door, we started building a friendship that has gotten closer over time. We share a lot and have been there for each other through a couple of rough situations. The issue is not with the human members of our families; it’s with the canine ones. Her family has a 9-month-old pure-breed. Our family also recently got a puppy—in our case, a large mixed-breed.

At first, things were great. Our puppies played together. She and I talked about when my dog would be ready to join our nightly walks. She helped me pick out all the supplies. Then things got weird. It was as if she didn't want her puppy to play with ours. She would put the dog inside the house right after our walks. She seemed almost jealous of the attention our puppy was receiving! Should I just accept this as a little natural jealousy and go with the flow? Or is her attitude an indication of something more serious?

Sincerely,
Didn’t Know Friends Could Get Competitive About Who Has a Cuter Pup

Dear DKFCGCAWHACP,

I’m not a “dog person.” So I want to apologize in advance if my post sounds hypercritical. But are you sure you’re not in the honeymoon stage with “Spot”—so deliriously in love that you’re failing to notice that he’s a) covered with fleas? b) terrorizing any living creature smaller than him (including your neighbor’s pup) with his teeth and claws, or c) pooping all over everyone and everything? Assuming these conditions aren’t the issue—and your friend and neighbor Jen is not a raging (dog) snob—I can best imagine that she’s feeling territorial and lamenting that there are suddenly one too many “bodies” in your adjoining yards.

Two-family living can be challenging for the same reason that good fences make good neighbors. When it comes to private property, we grown-ups have a tendency to turn into shrieking 3-year-olds yanking on opposing ends of a jump rope and yelling, “Mine!” Since your “conflict” ostensibly has to do with canines, however, I suggest keeping the focus on them as much as possible. (You’re less inclined to ruffle feathers, or, in this case, fur.) Wait until you and Jen are on one of your nightly walks. Then, in as neutral a voice as possible, tell her you’ve noted a recent reluctance on her part to have your pups frolic—and ask her if yours has done something offensive. If it’s what I think it is, maybe you can work out a schedule whereby each of your furry friends gets alone time in the dirt.

I know my critics think I over-ascribe jealousy as motive. But, in this case, I sincerely doubt that Jen is feeling sore because yours is cuter than hers—husbands, maybe, but that’s another can of Eukanuba Adult Cuts Mixed Grill [5].

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe