Friend or Foe: I Want to See You, Not the Whole Crew

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You [2], a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com [3].

Dear Friend or Foe,

Lately I've become the frequent victim of “friend lumping”: I make plans with a friend whom I haven't seen in a while to get dinner or a drink, and by the time we arrive at our destination, at least one other person has been added to the group. Sometimes I get advanced warning—"Oh, by the way, Kelly is coming, too"—and other times it's a total shock. Either way, I tend to be disappointed. I love seeing my friends in groups, and often organize group outings. But there are times when I just want to rock the one-on-one catch-up. When there are three or four of us at the table, catching up often feels rehearsed: "You say how your job is going for ten minutes, then Kelly says how hers is, then I'll describe mine.” I understand that we're all busy, and scheduling friends in groups can be more convenient. But is it too much to ask that when I send an e-mail to one friend about meeting up, I get time with that friend alone? Do I need to add a disclaimer to all such invitations? I fear that if I say specifically, "I'd like it to be just us," it will give the dinner this inappropriately weighty, "I have something big to discuss" vibe. But I don't want to keep getting lumped!

Sincerely,
Tired of Feeling like a Melted Cube in a Box of Domino Dots

Dear TOFLAMCIABODD,

Has your conversation become boring? Do you drone on about your toenail fungus? Or what your therapist said about your mother again? Or what you ate for lunch on Friday? Alternately, do you have bitchy, supercilious friends who don’t actually care about you and/or think their time is more valuable than yours and/or believe they’re living in a Real World episode? I had a female friend once whose boyfriend refused to go on vacation with just her. All holidays needed to be “group holidays.” He said it was more fun that way. Needless to say, the relationship ended badly. But I digress ...

From your question, I’m guessing you’re on the young side. If so, please note that the promiscuity many experience in their 20s extends to friend-making. Which is to say that two out of three of the people you currently call your best buddies will likely be strangers (again) by 30. Why is this relevant? Because you might be overestimating your need to spend “quality time” with individual members of the group. Moreover, at some point in the not too distant future, even the pals you retain will begin to seriously pair up and then start families (and get even busier at work). Then, girls’ night out with the whole gang will become so rare that you might even start to miss it. (I do.)

Have a problem that requires one-on-one chat time? Book a lunch or coffee date. No alcohol = no crashing. Otherwise, I suggest enjoying the “party” while it’s still going. Soon enough, the festivities will cease to rage.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

My old friend “Leann” is dating an English guy and suddenly started speaking with a British accent à la Madonna. It’s driving me bonkers. She says “royt” instead of “right.” Also, when something pleases her, she announces “Brilliant!” instead of “Cool!” or “Fantastic!” like she used to. Can I say something, or is it none of my business? This is her first serious boyfriend in a while, so I guess I should be happy for her. But I’m not. She’s from New Jersey, for god’s sake. Every time I see her, I want to yell, “Pretentious fraud!”

Sincerely,
Forgive Me if I Start Puking

Dear FMIISP,

Clearly, your friend Leann is suffering from an acute case of anglophilia. Being married to a Brit—and also harking from New Jersey—I naturally feel some sympathy for her. That said, my significant other has a thick Yorkshire accent that reveals zero class aspirations and renders his spoken English barely intelligible. If I started speaking like him, people would likely assume I’d had a stroke. From your description, however, Leann has picked up a far tonier tongue.

What to do? If you must kibitz, subtlety and humor are your friends. Buy Leann a basket of fresh fruit and send it along with a note that reads, “Happy summer—to the new, plummy you!” Alternately, invite her over for a night of Jersey nostalgia. Rent the first season of The Sopranos, and watch it while consuming a greasy pizza and a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew. Maybe it will jog her memory, not only with regard to her down-home origins but to her adult life before Nigel/Rupert/Plantagenet started staying over for scones.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

My friend “Vanessa” asked me to watch her 3-year old daughter when she went into labor. I felt that she asked me this as a test of our friendship. I also felt it was an imposition. I have a crazy toddler son of my own to look after and no extra bedroom. Plus, I work freelance, so I never know my schedule in advance. Also, although her parents and in-laws don’t live nearby, she has a husband who works partly from home. After mulling it over, I called and said that I was really sorry but I didn’t think I was the right person to ask—and was there any other way I could be supportive?—and she acted really miffed. That was two weeks ago. We haven’t spoken since, and the baby is due any day. Help!

Sincerely,
Please Be Honest—Am I Being a Selfish Bitch?

Dear PBHAIBASB?,

In a word: yes. Of course it’s an imposition. That’s practically the definition of the word “favor.” But it’s also one day (or night) of your life. No doubt her husband would have arrived to relieve you within 24 hours—assuming all went well. And if it didn’t go as planned, wouldn’t you want to be the one who had Vanessa’s back? (Think of the hero treatment! The indebtedness, too.) The real question here, it seems to me, is how close a friend you consider Vanessa to be.

Maybe you’re secretly envious that Vanessa has a husband who works from home—or that she has room to house a second child? Maybe you’re still smarting about a favor you asked of her that she failed to perform? (Maybe Vanessa is the very definition of “mooch”—i.e. the requests never stop coming, from you picking her kid up from daycare to her picking a dress out of your closet.) Whatever the case, I’m guessing there’s baggage here that makes your recent squeamishness that much more explicable. Maybe the real secret is that you don’t actually like Vanessa.

On the other hand, if Vanessa is someone you’d call in the throes of your own medical emergency—and you were simply feeling uncharitable—then you owe it to her to apologize and (re)extend the offer. By this point she’s probably found a replacement. But at least she’ll know you’re contrite. A test of your friendship? To quote everyone’s favorite former Alaskan governor, “you betcha.”

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe