Things Rank and Gross in Nature

When I say that The RH of NJ is the most synthetic installment of the show yet produced, I refer not to the cast members' investment in plastic surgery; the specimens of Orange County bionic science edge them out on that count. Rather, the drama queening in these parts is much too blatantly contrived. In the premiere, you can see the whole season's worth of conflict lurking in the foreshadows. The catfights get hyped as if arranged by Don King. The five housewives—raring to depict themselves as the heads of the Five Families—are terriblly aware of the requirements of reality stardom. Take Teresa, please, the wife of a man who runs a very successful construction business. She has a real talent for offering herself as the butt of this spectacle's irony. Teresa proclaims that she's not a stage mom even while coating her daughter's head in lip gloss at some deranged modeling contest. Her bust—her set of "bubbies," to use the local term of art—is modest, and she's contemplating enhancement, despite her husband being "more of an ass guy."

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Photograph of the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey by Virginia Sherwood © 2009 NBC Universal Inc. All rights reserved.