Friend or Foe: Her Baby Daddy Is a Loser!

Dear Friend or Foe,

One of my best friends—“Leslie”—just told me she is pregnant. She’s in her mid-20s and has a steady job and financial support, so logistics are not the issue. However, her boyfriend—“Troy”—is another matter. Just two months ago, I was helping her through a rough spot when he dumped her. In their yearlong relationship, he has broken up with her four times. He’s a bit younger than she is and has explained that he wants to see other people and “be free.” I know Troy well; I was the one who introduced the two of them. So while I have a fondness for him, I also think he has major commitment issues and that there are other guys out there for her.

During their breakups, I tried to remain objective and not reveal my true feelings about whether they should get back together. More recently, I told Leslie that I’ll support whatever she chooses and that ultimately it’s her decision regarding whether to keep the baby. But because she’s pregnant, I’m wondering whether I should speak up and say that I don’t think she should rely on him to be there for her and the kid. In fact, if she decides to keep the baby—and she’s leaning toward it—I think he’ll make her life harder. Should I speak up or keep mum about my feelings?

Sincerely,

Regretting That I Ever Introduced Them

Dear RTIEIT,

If Leslie is already planning on having the baby, I don’t see the point of warning her that Troy will be the ultimate deadbeat dad. She might as well give him a chance to prove otherwise, no? And if you’re right and he sucks, she’ll find out soon enough—after the first sleepless night that he sleeps soundly through. Or do you have another goal in mind? To be honest, I wasn’t entirely convinced by your letter that your real aim was to warn your friend off Troy. I suspect you think (to use the polite medical parlance) she should terminate the pregnancy.

If this is the case and you say so much, be advised that you’re treading on dangerous friendship territory. Let’s say that, with your encouragement, Leslie ends up terminating the pregnancy. In coming years, there’s a chance she’ll blame you for the loss, if and when she experiences it as such. Alternately, if she finds a way to make babyland work for her, with or without an active father in the picture, you’re not going to feel very welcome at Chloe/Clive’s first birthday party.

I agree that your friend is not bringing a child into the world under ideal circumstances. But if she wants to make her life difficult (and it will be, as surely as it will be rewarding), I’m afraid the only one who can make that determination is Leslie herself. From your letter, it sounds to me as if she wants to keep the baby, Troy or no Troy. Since they’ve already broken up four times, she can’t be unaware of the potential for Split No. 5.

Sincerely,

Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

I’ve worked with my so-called friend—“Greta”—for the last few years. About a year ago, I noticed little things that led me to believe she might be jealous of my success. Last week, I informed her that I’d be attending a training course later this year to help me in my career path. She became angry and told me that, as a friend, I should have shared this information with her sooner so that she could have signed up, too. A few days later, she came to me and apologized and blamed her behavior on personal issues she's been going through. At that point I thought everything was OK.

Then, the next week, she came in to work and started giving me the cold shoulder. I approached her and asked whether I had done anything to offend her. Her response was, "Do you think you've done something wrong?" During the conversation, she insinuated that I’d shared information with our manager without her knowledge. When I told her that I hadn’t, she pretended as if everything was OK again. But she never apologized for jumping to conclusions.

I can’t pretend to be OK with Greta’s behavior. At this point, I’m communicating with her, but it's strictly work-related. I no longer wish to pursue a friendship with this person. Am I justified in feeling this way? And should I say something more?

Sincerely,

It’s Not OK You Acted This Way

Dear INOYATW,

Greta herself explained to you that she was having personal problems—hence, her foul mood. So I’m not sure how you came to the conclusion that she was jealous of your success at work. In any case, it sounds as if she’s taken an extra helping of the paranoid pills. My advice would be to stay as far out of the way of her popping eyes as your cubicles/offices allow.

But if you suddenly take pity on the woman, or feel as if you owe her an explanation, or decide to give her a second chance—or simply can’t bear working in the same office as someone who wants to murder you—I suggest killing her with kindness and understanding. You might try something like, “You’ve seemed really on edge lately. Is there something going on at home that you want to talk about?” Just don’t expect another apology. Why? Because what’s eating Greta Grape is leaving negligible room for thinking about others’ feelings.

Sincerely,

Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,
I’m a pretty normal college student. However, I feel as if I’m a magnet for loser friends. I just stopped hanging out with a girl, “Natalie,” whom I’ve known my entire life. She was an emotional vampire. She’s 20 and hasn’t even finished high school. She gets fired from every part-time job after a month. She’s also dating a pimp just for money.

There is another girl I’ve known since kindergarten, “Becky,” and I really care about her. But ever since her boyfriend dumped her, which was her fault, she‘s been acting like a rude and immature person. I study hard five days a week and go out on Friday nights to have fun. When Becky comes along, she spends the whole time bitching about nothing and acting as if she’s the only person in town who has emotions.

More generally, I’m fed up with impersonating Mother Theresa—that is, helping friends with emotional problems no bigger than atoms and then hearing that I’m not an understanding person. Am I an unstable-person magnet? And if so, why?

Sincerely,
Loser Friend Magnet

Dear LFM,

As I’ve written about before in this column, the 20s are a time for weeding out the keeper friends from the corrosive ones. It sounds as if you’ve yet to undergo this process. But then, you’ve only just started that tumultuous decade of your life. My guess is that, by 30, you’ll have long since parted ways with both Pimp Lover and Perpetual Whiner.

That said, if you’re conscious of playing Dial-a-Therapist a little often, you might want to think about your own part in the equation. Are you, just maybe, attracted to friends who seem in desperate need of you and your advice? Are you worried that more stable girls will dump you when someone more exciting comes along? My advice would be to join campus organizations that interest you—and in which you’re guaranteed to share at least one common interest with any new friends you make. That way, your first bonding experiences will be over, say, the bad breath of the president of the Free Tibet/Young Republicans Club rather than, say, the bad feelings incurred by pimps who don’t pay on time, the side effects of gonorrhea medication, etc.

Sincerely,

Friend or Foe