Friend or Foe: Can Men and Women Be Platonic Friends?

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You [2], a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com [3].

Dear Friend or Foe,

Every time my best friend—“Elsa”—and I are together with her husband, he finds some way to compare her unfavorably with me. It started with my cooking. My husband and I had them over for dinner, and he said something to her like, "Why can't you ever make something this good? We need to start buying more fresh food." More recently, I baby-sat for them so they could have a date, and he compared our handwriting. "I know who I'm going to ask if I ever need handwritten invitations,” he enthused. My response is to always try and downplay my own abilities in comparison with her, but that approach hasn't kept him from these outbursts. My husband thinks he has a crush on me but isn't worried about him acting on it.

I'm less concerned about whether he has a crush on me than I am for my friend and her marriage. Even when not comparing her with me, her husband can be downright cruel. Not long ago, we were having dinner (another couples outing) and discussing dress sizes and Elsa’s attempt to lose the weight she gained during her first pregnancy. He said to her, "I'll tell you why you can't lose weight. You eat like a horse." She laughed and sort of brushed it off, but it really bothered me. Elsa has amazing qualities. I wish her husband would spend his time admiring them instead of constantly cutting her down. Should I talk to her? Should I talk to him? Should I confront him when he does it? Is it even worth worrying about? I don't want to lose my best friend just because I feel uncomfortable around her husband.

Sincerely,
I Wish Your Husband Would Stop Comparing Me to You

Dear IWYHWSCMTY,

You write, “She laughed and sort of brushed it off, but it really bothered me.” Do we know if it really bothered Elsa? From your description, the guy sounds like a bit of a jerk. But it is possible that he and Elsa have one of those marriages which consist of lots of teasing and joshing, none of which adds up to anything? I guess what makes me wary of suggesting you “go there” with either one of them is that Elsa is your best friend—and presumably tells you what’s going on in her private life. Yet you make no mention of her ever having come to you to complain about her husband’s treatment of her.

Which means either she’s keeping her pain a secret (because she’s embarrassed or proud), or she actually likes being teased. To be honest, the handwriting comment seems fairly benign to me. Ditto for the cooking one. (I’m a famously bad cook and can easily imagine my husband making a remark like this.) The fat comment is a little less excusable. No woman post-pregnancy likes to be compared to an animal. At best, it’s a stupid joke; at worse, it’s downright misogynistic. In moments like this, I don’t see why you shouldn’t speak up (even if Elsa doesn’t) and tell her husband that you find the comment to be clueless and obnoxious.

But if you feel compelled to say something to Elsa, I suggest an open ended question along the lines of, “So how are you and the husband doing post-baby?” If she says, “Oh, fine,” leave well enough alone. If she pours out her wounded heart, encourage her to defend herself. Either way, please keep in mind that it’s Elsa’s marriage to make work—not yours.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

I met a wonderful guy—“Jed”—while we were parking our bikes at the grocery store four months ago. Since then, we’ve been inseparable and growing closer as time goes by. He has a close female friend, “Tracy,” who is single, 40, childless, and an attorney. He was friends with her during his previous marriage, and his ex was perfectly fine with them hanging out. And I truly believe that men and women can be platonic friends. But twice now he has tried to have conversations with her about me, and—from what he’s told me—both times he was met with utter disinterest. In fact, she went so far as to say "Don't you think it's a little soon after the breakup of your marriage to date?" It's actually been a year. After I saw a picture of Tracy (she’s fairly unattractive)—and found out more about her (including the fact that she’s painfully shy with men)—I came to the conclusion that she’s probably in love with my boyfriend. This would certainly explain her desire to change the subject every time my name comes up. I then presented my theory to Jed, who began to think my profiling of Tracy was probably accurate.

My problem is this: I don't want to have to do battle down the road with a jealous best friend. I've been there before and don't care to do it again. Should I be asking my boyfriend to make his intentions—or, rather, lack thereof—with Tracy clear? Or is this not my place? I already let him know that my concern does not lie with trusting him. If he wanted sex from her, he'd have asked for it a long time ago.

Sincerely,
Can’t Deal with a Jealous Naysayer in the Background

Dear CDWAJNITB,

I guess I’m wondering why Jed is bothering to share his Tracy conversations with you. Just because you’re seriously dating someone one doesn’t mean you have to summarize every independent conversation you have with your friends about that relationship. So what gives? Either your new man is Mr. Confessional—which is nice, I guess. Or, however unconsciously, he’s trying to play the two of you off each other. Or he’s using her (invented words) to express his fear to you that, in fact, it is too soon for him to be involved in a serious relationship.

I agree that it’s fine and lovely for a heterosexual man and woman to be best buddies. But when one of the two has romantic feelings, the friendship runs the risk of becoming strained (especially when the unromantic one starts dating someone new). I don’t know enough about Tracy to say whether this is the case. Possibly, she’s just feeling protective. Possibly, your guy has made up everything he’s told you about her. But if she is secretly hot for Jed, I’m having trouble believing he never noticed before you alerted him to the evidence.

My best guess is that your new boyfriend is a drama lover and has gotten you all worked up for no reason. Here’s a suggestion: Tell him you don’t want to hear about Tracy anymore. See what he says. If he looks disappointed, you’ll have your answer.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

My best friend—“Evie”—and I go to law school together and are usually inseparable. She recently got out of a relationship that ended badly. As a result, she’s taken a zero-tolerance approach with people. Meanwhile, I’ve started seeing someone who is a mutual friend of ours. He and Evie don't entirely see eye to eye. Because of this she won’t go out with us. So I have to see them independently.

For three days, she didn’t call or text me, which I found odd since we usually speak every day. When we finally spoke, she accused me of ditching her for guys—not just for my current boyfriend but for my last one, too. She also said that everyone invites her out except her best friend (me) and that she’s livid and considers the friendship to be over. I tried to give an explanation, but she says I only make excuses for myself.

By the end of our conversation, she said she would see how things go for now, but she’s unsure if I’m capable of repairing my mistakes. What can I do to show her that I never meant to ditch her or offend her in any way—and that I value our friendship? Please help!

Sincerely,
Caught Between the Two

Dear CBTT,

Evie sounds like work. And not in the positive sense. The woman must have good qualities if she became your best friend. I just wish I’d heard about them! Because the person you describe sounds more like a Stalinist than a sister. Unless your current boyfriend has done something specific to harm her, I think you need to point out—before delivering your “Evie the Beautiful” speech—that she’s partly created her own isolation by refusing even occasionally to share table space with the two of you.

That doesn’t mean she should be fully satisfied with parties of three. Which can be fun, but, of course, never that fun. You also need to find time for one-on-one girl outings and larger group outings, too. But friendships don’t survive in bubbles; Evie needs to learn to make nice with your new man, too. Sorry to say this, but the fact that Evie is unsure whether you’re “capable of repairing [your] mistakes”—hello, punishment not fitting the crime!—makes me doubt the future of your friendship.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe