Friend or Foe: My Pal Is Taking Percocet!

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You [2], a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com [3].

Dear Friend or Foe,

I recently found out that my former best friend, “Dani,” is selling her painkillers to another friend of mine, “Ned.” Ned is married with two children, and I’m good friends with both him and his wife.

Dani and I were close friends dating back to grade school—until I realized a few years ago that I’d be better off distancing myself from her. She is a very jealous and judgmental person. We still speak occasionally. It was a mutual friend who told me about the pills.

My question is: Do I tell Ned’s wife what Ned is doing? Do I tell Ned that I know what he’s doing? Or do I just keep my mouth shut? Ned is supposedly spending about $100 a month on 30 pills.

Also, Dani knows how close I am with all others involved. So I’m left wondering why she would spread this news, knowing full well that I would find out and be put in this position. The friend who told me about the situation does not really know the married couple, but knows how much I cherish their friendship.

Sincerely,
Know Too Much and Freaked About It

Dear KTMAFAI,

“Be put in this position”? I get the feeling that you think Dani has somehow done you wrong. I’m not condoning the unlicensed sale of controlled substances. I also understand that you’re concerned about your friend Ned. But there’s no reason to believe Dani thought twice about you while revealing her “side business” to your other friend—especially since you and Dani are no longer close. For all you know, Dani revealed her criminal activities to your other friend in confidence—confidence then betrayed when that friend passed on the information to you.

As for the question of Ned’s pill-popping, I don’t have enough information to pass judgment. Does he suffer from a chronic condition? Does he have a history of drug abuse? Has he recently lost his health insurance? Is he giving said meds to another friend? If you’re genuinely concerned about his well-being, I suggest you start by talking to the man himself. Tell him you heard through the grapevine that he’s buying drugs off Dani, and ask him why he’s doing so. If he’s in actual pain, suggest he consult a doctor. If he’s “self-medicating,” point him in the direction of a counselor.

If he brushes you off—and the situation gets noticeably worse (i.e., you start noticing a change in behavior)—then, yes, you might need to go to his wife. But I would leave her out of it for the time being. Ned is a big boy, and you’ll only end up looking like a tattletale. Moreover, she might know more than she’s letting on right now. (Spouses/live-in partners often do.)

Since you and Dani are no longer tight, I would also leave her out of your fact-finding mission. Never mind your law-enforcement mission. That is, let someone else turn her into the authorities—unless you want to start an all-out friend war.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

I have a friend—Daisy—whom I met about 10 years ago when we were both young and single. At first, our friendship was based on going out to parties and picking up guys. Also, we have a similar sense of humor. However, things changed once I met my (now) husband. Once he and I were together, she was rude to us both. For the next two years, we didn’t speak.

Then, three years ago, my husband and I bought our first home. As it turned out, Daisy was our neighbor. We became friends again and I remembered why we had first connected. But in the last year or so, the same “issues” arose. However, there was a big difference this time: Last spring, she told me she had cancer.

Over the last year, Daisy has been in treatment, and she’s facing even more aggressive treatments. At the same time, she’s becoming even more rude and selfish. Meanwhile, we’ve moved again—to a dream house in the country. We’ve also welcomed a beautiful baby. She has been nothing but sour grapes about any of this. Over the summer, I finally asked her what her problem was. She said she can't be happy for me because she has nothing.

More generally, when I spend time with Daisy, I come away feeling angry, frustrated, and tired. But I feel like I can't end the friendship (again) when she is this vulnerable. It seems just too cruel. Also, last week, she asked me to try to excuse her attitude because she is sick. She also asked me to make sure I visit her at the hospital because she “really, really needs [me] more than ever now." What should I do? I feel so trapped.

Sincerely,
This Whole Thing Is Keeping Me Up at Night

Dear TWTIKMUAN,

By becoming friends with Daisy (again)—after you’d already learned what kind of personality she had—I’m afraid you’ve brought this situation on yourself. Which is to say: No, you can’t abandon her right now. Not while you’ve been blessed with so much happiness, while Daisy faces a life-threatening disease with what sounds like a miniscule support system. Later, if and when she hopefully recovers and there’s no recurrence of the cancer, you can start to distance yourself again. If you’re no longer living on the same block or even town, it shouldn’t be that hard.

That said, we all have cranky and difficult friends we put up with because, yes, loyalty and sympathy play as large a role in friendships as anything else. Also, we sense that these same people would be there for us if something terrible happened in our own lives. Is Daisy is one of these people? Only you know.

I will give Daisy this: At least she’s honest about the reason she can’t be happy about your new home, baby, etc. Her honesty also makes me think that she might be capable of curbing her bitterness. Let’s hope that a) she survives cancer and b) her recovery leads to a new appreciation for life, as well as a serious attitude adjustment.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe

Dear Friend or Foe,

Recently, the topic of baths vs. showers came up with one of my friends, “Judy.” I was saying how I prefer showers because baths have always felt awkward and uncomfortable to me, and Judy said in complete seriousness: "Well, I have a harder job than most people. So I actually need baths to help me relax at the end of the day." (She works in the kitchen of a restaurant, and I'm a writer for a small office.) I don't doubt that her job is hard, but this remark seemed to be way too intense and mean-spirited given the light-hearted tone of the conversation up to that point. Not to mention the fact that my own job isn't always easy, either.

This outburst, by the way, is not the first time that Judy has made subtle or unsubtle comments about how much more stressful her job is than mine—or just about anyone's. I'm sure she's just unsatisfied at work and taking it out on everyone else. But what should I do when this type of remark inevitably comes up again? How can I defuse the situation politely, while at the same time standing up for myself? At the time, I just laughed it off.

Sincerely,
I Just Happen to Prefer Showers

Dear IJHTPS,

As a fellow writer, I know well that long slogs at the computer come with their own set of maladies, from bad backs to carpel tunnel. But to Judy’s credit, restaurant jobs are famously taxing, not only because the hours are long and late, but because you’re on your feet the entire shift. Instead of feeling put down, what about interpreting Judy’s outbursts as an invitation to pry? Maybe she feels stuck in the culinary world and longs for an out, but doesn’t know where to locate the exit sign—or how to begin a grown-up conversation in which she asks a close friend for career advice.

Next time she starts up, what about saying: “I get the feeling you’re really unhappy at the restaurant these days. Have you thought about switching jobs?” If she continues to imply that you work no harder for your money than socialite Tinsley Mortimer, suggest she send a résumé to your office.

Sincerely,
Friend or Foe