Introducing Friend or Foe, Our Friendship Advice Column

Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a forthcoming novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com [2].

Dear Friend or Foe,

I've been friends with a woman—let's call her Lisa—since I was 5. Our friendship has historically been tumultuous, but in the past two or three years, it's been almost entirely negative. She's always been brutally honest and had a harsh sense of humor, and lately I just don't want to put up with it. For instance, she's critical of the way I look: She tells me that I remind her of a llama and makes fun of what I'm wearing at least 40 percent of the time. She recently told me that she would have no problem ostracizing me if I get married before she does, because she doesn't want me to be in a different stage of life than she is. Whenever I mention to Lisa that she's hurt my feelings, she says that she didn't mean to hurt me, so therefore I should not be upset. Obviously she has her upsides, or the friendship would have zero allure. She's bitingly funny (when not mocking you) and incredibly loyal. But, at this point, I feel so awful after spending time with her that I actively avoid her. I'd avoid her entirely, but we share many mutual friends, and I am close with her boyfriend. My question is twofold: Is this friendship worth salvaging? And if so, how do I manage to spend time with Lisa without wanting to punch her, or myself?

Sincerely, No Longer Have Stomach for Mean Friend Who Already Hates My Imaginary Future Husband

Dear NLHSFMIFH,

I should admit that Lisa's criticism made me wonder about your fashion sense. Assuming you aren't overly fond of fuzzy woolen clothing, however, I'd agree that your friend sounds like a major meanie. Also, please note: Loyalty is a meaningless virtue when it goes hand in hand with a tyrannical streak; Hitler was "loyal" to the German masses, too.

Since you have close pals in common, I'd be inclined to redefine the friendship rather than end it for good. Logic as follows: If Lisa's face is going to be in yours all the time anyway, do you really want the stress of being on the receiving end of a fusillade of murderous looks every time you see her?

And there will be murderous looks. It's nice to think that Lisa might learn something from an encounter in which you tell her you want to end the friendship because she's a psychotic bitch who makes you cry. Unfortunately, mean people, upon being confronted with evidence of their meanness, rarely rethink their mean ways. Instead, they become further entrenched in their distorted convictions that, while others dissemble and ingratiate, they alone (in their unflagging candor) are the "true friends" of this world.

My advice: See Lisa less frequently and only in group settings, preferably with loud music playing in the background. With others around she'll be less likely to feel comfortable spewing contumely at you. And if she does, there will be witnesses. Also, is it crazy to imagine that on occasion your friends might enjoy getting together and comparing Lisa stories? On a slow gossip night, terrible friends can be a great boon to conversation.

Dear Friend or Foe,

My friend's boyfriend turned her into a yuppie. She used to wear goofy colorful sweaters and chunky jewelry and laugh all the time. Now, a year into her relationship with a much older investment banker, she spends her weekends buying expensive cheese cutters or waffle makers, raving about whatever new Jean-Georges Vongerichten restaurant she visited, and spewing small talk. I want the old Sandra back! I don't think growing up needs to mean that we hang out in stiff dining room chairs while eating homemade brioche instead of lounging on the couch drinking beer. Do I just need to accept that she and I have different images of adulthood, and maybe it's time for this friendship to end? Am I allowed to tell her that I miss what we used to have? Or will that sound like I'm condemning her relationship, and risk making things between us hostile?

Sincerely, My Friend Got So F-ing Boring

Dear MFGSFB,

A corporate governance conference does not sound as dull as a night out with your friend Sandra. But maybe she's just going through a boring phase. I'd give it another six months before taking action. Fifty-fifty odds she'll eventually get tired of Old Man Morgan Stanley and come running back to you, your comfy sofa, and your cold beer.

If, on the other hand, after another nine months, she's still agonizing over luxury waffle makers (and acting as if Western capitalism hasn't collapsed), I'd a) say something, or b) quietly slither away with a variety of prosaic excuses (i.e. parents visiting from out of town; dog having seizures at regular two-hour intervals, etc.)

If you do say something about your friendship, I'd try to avoid the phase, "You got really f-ing boring, Sandra." Make your critique activity-based, as in, "I miss hanging out on your sofa and drinking beer." If she tells you to grow up and stop acting like you're in sixth grade, it might be time to unfasten the friendship pin from your Tretorns.

Dear Friend or Foe,

My ex-boyfriend, who literally broke up with me the same week my father died(!), just friended me on Facebook. Should I "accept," "ignore," and/or "reply" with a scathing denunciation of both his moral bankruptcy and his disgusting table manners? For the record, I'm happily married now—to the boyfriend I met after him. So in a way, I suppose, I have my evil ex to thank for breaking up with me. On the other hand, I still hate the guy's guts. In short, I'm torn between wanting to tell him what I really think and wanting to look like I couldn't care less (and haven't thought about him once since we broke up). If I accept him as a friend, won't I be accomplishing the latter? Also, that way, he'll have access to all the extremely flattering profile pictures of me! Please advise. I feel compelled to mention that my evil ex is a Zen Buddhist, so I was surprised to see him on Facebook at all; I'd somehow thought social networking and meditating didn't mix.

Sincerely, Am I Right in Thinking That This Man is Not My Friend?

Dear AIRITTTMINMF,

It's true that it's become common practice to accept Facebook pals who one would not recognize on the street. But—come on—this guy is your enemy! Please do the culture a favor and click "ignore."

Yes, it's possible to be friends with ex-boyfriends after your relationship ends, but only ones you went out with 20 years ago and can't remember having sex with. (I'm guessing you still remember.) Also, they're not allowed to have ditched you as your father lay dying. As for sending the bastard an expletive-laden email—or, alternately, creating a "page" called "You are an Incorrigible Bastard" (featuring a picture of said Zen Buddhist with devil horns drawn on), then inviting him to "join"—my advice is to close your eyes and try to imagine how you'll feel after clicking send. Will you feel embarrassed? Invigorated? If the answer is the second, go for it.

Have a question for Friend or Foe? Please email it to lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com

Illustration by Jason Raish