To all you young men out there swearing to mom this Sunday that when you grow up, you'll be lucky to find a woman just like her, and to all you moms out there who believe what your sons are telling you, we are about to burst your bubble. Christine Whelan, a professor of sociology at the University of Iowa, has been analyzing results of a survey taken steadily by college students over the last seven decades asking what they want in a mate.

Men, it turns out, are increasingly interested in an educated woman who is a good financial prospect and less interested in chastity. Women are increasingly interested in a man who wants a family and less picky about whether he's always Mr. Nice Guy.

In the latest survey, Whelan included questions about a mother's work history. She hypothesized that men whose mothers didn't work wouldn't care so much about smarts or good financial prospects. (Which is also what I've always assumed).

Well, it turns out the differences are slight. Men who grew up with stay-at-home and working mothers ranked "education, intelligence" among the top six traits they want in a mate, and "good financial prospects" among the top 12. Now that's progress.

Tags: what men want in a mate

In a column today on the famous Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed the paths of a group of graduates from college to old age, David Brooks quotes lead researcher George Vaillant's conclusion about what matters in life: “Happiness is love. Full Stop." It's a somewhat odd conclusion since Vaillant has had three marriages (two to the same woman), and long periods of estrangement from his children. Maybe he knows how important love is because he understands how difficult finding and maintaining it can be. But I hope this is not the single message that filters out now that the original study subjects have or are coming to the point at which their files are closed. Vaillant may conclude love is the secret, but he has had a long, distinguished, fascinating career that must have helped carry him through the times when love failed. Isn't that one of the lessons of the Elizabeth Edwards saga? Yes, love is essential, but it can't be all.

Tags: Elizabeth Edwards, Harvard, life, love

Can this marriage be saved? Yes, it can—through letters. Check out yesterday’s Op Ed in the Times by a military wife facing marital strains, who turned to an old-fashioned remedy. The life of military spouses certainly is anomalous (I also recommend Double X’s own "Threeway," a conversation among three military wives who have written books), but I wonder if there’s something for all of us in Melissa Seligman’s surprising account of “learning to communicate despite technology.”

As a new wife struggling to build a new family with her husband sent off on serial deployments, she found herself dreading the real-time connectivity that can make Afghanistan seem not so far away. When the instant message buzzed, summoning her to the webcam to commune, she had to be on, however she was really feeling. Her toddler, moments earlier clamoring for daddy, would clam up at the sight of his face. Lousy reception, sudden loss of reception ... Marital bonds grew as tenuous as satellite signals.

Synchronicity, instant connectivity, the illusion of non-separation: These days, technology offers a triumph over distance and time, a promise of readier intimacy. Yet those powers can also spell, as it seems to me we do well to be reminded, the opposite: How easy it is to feel trapped by the pressure to be constantly, immediately reactive; chasms can open within and between us; time tyrannizes. "And then we found salvation in letters." Seligman discovered liberation in the chance to be expressive, on her own terms. She began writing her husband letters. Her predicament isn’t anything like most of ours, but as we text, and blog, and tweet, is there a lesson in it?

Tags: communication, Military Wives, technology