My Husband Lost His Job Two Weeks Before Our Wedding

The recession has had a big impact on marital finances, and many couples have been hit by job losses. We know that more men than women have become unemployed, so it wasn't surprising that readers sent in a number of e-mails about becoming the major breadwinners when their husbands were fired. Christina wrote in telling of a firing that occurred just before her wedding, and then described how she and her husband have coped in the year that followed.

“My fiancé got laid off on Oct. 24, 2008, and we got married on Nov. 8.” she began.

There was a solid 24 hours of panic with a lot of tears and questions. How could this happen to us? Can we even afford our honeymoon anymore? (Yes!) Will your parents still let you marry me? (I’m 90 perecent sure he was just joking on this one.) Maybe it was the pre-wedding stress, but it seemed like the worst thing that had ever happened at the time, and, come to think of it, it was the biggest event to test our relationship. Then it was Oct. 25, and it didn't seem as bad. It was moving day, and I was officially moving out of my apartment to his house to start our new lives together. Finally, some positive thinking.

Fast-forward to a year later, as we prepare to celebrate our first anniversary, and I’m still working and he still isn’t. The timing of everything was less than ideal. By the time we got back from the honeymoon and came down off the newlywed high it was the holidays, and let’s face it, not many companies hire around the holidays ... especially in this economy. Even when my husband was working, I was earning just a little bit more than he, but we were never in the position where I could be the sole earner of the household. Has it been hard? Yes. Has it been as hard as I thought? No. Have there been some serious discussions about money? Yes. Do we sit at home and never go out any more? No.

There have been a lot of obstacles to overcome, especially since we just started living together and sharing expenses when the layoff occurred. This was very new territory for the both of us, and we are still establishing our household roles. There was always the understanding that I would be the one in charge of the money flow in the household, but it becomes a bit more complicated when it is only your money. I came into the relationship with a lot of savings, while my husband brought a lot of credit-card debt, and while there were some initial feelings of "Oh my gosh, I'm losing all my savings while paying off a debt that isn't even mine!" I quickly learned I can't think like that. We were in this together, and it was all about making smart decisions for our future.

The hardest part of this whole thing has nothing to do with money and more to do with my husband's confidence in himself. He was definitely born with the male provider gene and I think it's hard on him that he isn't contributing financially to the household right now. I'm confident in him, though, and no matter how long it takes to get back in the job market, we have proved that we can weather the storm. It was an unexpected bump in the road, but we are surviving, and I think that's a pretty good start to a solid future together.

Not every marriage can sustain unemployment. Another reader wrote in with the following story.

While we were married, my husband lost his job three times. He wanted to "pursue a career as an independent consultant" and grow his own software company (this was in the early 2000s). My employer merged with another company, and the new boss told me I had a job in North Carolina, when we lived in Atlanta. Hubby had been out of work for a year but cried when I told him we had to move and said I was ruining his life. We moved anyway, and divorced a year-and-a-half later.

My current income is twice the level of my boyfriend’s. I have always felt that whoever earns the least should do more of the domestic chores. Unfortunately, men don’t think that way. I still do my "second job" (housekeeping), while my boyfriend continues to work. And this makes me resentful, to be honest. What exactly did we gain from 100 years of social movement if I can’t get my (lower earning) boyfriend to pull his own weight?

Finally, a story of a husband who wasn’t fired but who quit to take care of his daughter. I’ll run a bunch of submissions on dealing with children and finances later this week, but for now, here’s a taste from Ariel.

I have been the primary earner in my household for most of my five-year marriage and the sole earner since July. When our nanny left us, we looked at the options and decided that my husband would leave his contract position as an IT systems developer to stay at home with our 2-and-a-half-year-old daughter. In the year leading up this, he had dropped to four days a week to spend Fridays with her, and earned about half what I did as in-house lawyer for a small company. When we finally ran the numbers we figured that, after paying the nanny, taxes, and commuting costs, he was working for somewhere near minimum wage. We had some cash saved, and are able to live on my salary, although it is very tight and we have had to cut costs and redefine the way we think about spending. We do miss the extra money, but my husband and daughter seem to be doing very well under the current arrangement. Our agreement when he started his new career as stay-at-home-dad (or, as I like to think of it, Director of Domestic Development) included the reassignment of all things domestic to him. He tries, but is a fairly lousy housekeeper and family finance manager. He is working on developing his cooking and organizational skills and the like, but his real strengths remain in the stereotyped “dad” realm—playing, transportation, etc.

The fact that I make more than my husband doesn’t seem strange to either of us, probably because it has been our norm for so long, and because so many of our female friends out-earn their husbands as well. My husband supported me through school and neither of us thought it was strange, so neither of us gives much thought to which of us fills the family coffers. I never thought of it as “his money” when he earned it, and I don’t think of it as “my money” now that I do, although I confess to badgering, “Where are you going to get that money?” when he overspends or spends unwisely.

I am salaried and fortunate in my position, and neither the domestic shift nor the current economy has piled more work or stress on my job, so I still see my family and contribute to the housework, but I do resent having to do work around the house when he is, for lack of a better phrase, "home all day." Mostly, I imagine that if I were the one staying home with our daughter, the house would be clean, the chores would be done and dinner would be on the table when he got home from the office. This idea remains untested, so I retain my imagined domestic moral superiority.

The dark underbelly of our current situation is that I am secretly glad for the widespread domestic shift the current economy is causing (with men bearing the brunt of the layoffs, no doubt in part because they were earning $1 for every $0.70 I make)—it has made our situation that much less eyebrow-raising. These days, nobody treats you like a social deviant for working outside the home while your husband stays home with the kids.

Although he still gets far fewer playdates than the "other mommies."

Photograph of bride and groom by Digital Vision/Getty Images.

Tags: recession, unemployment, wives making more than their husbands

Emma Gilbey Keller ’s book, The Comeback: Seven Stories of Women Who Went from Career to Family and Back Again is available in paperback and makes a great gift. Emma lives with her husband, Bill Keller, their two daughters and their dog. Follow her on Twitter @EmmaGKeller

Comments

re: williamjacobs on Pathetic

By: snuggadee | Thu, 11/19/2009 - 19:15

You mentioned homework as one of the many ways you are put upon in this unfair chore balance between you and your wife. So does that mean you and your wife have kids? If so, and she exclusively does laundry folding and cooking, does that mean while you are at work, she doesn't:

chauffeur your kids around, pick up after those cute little constant litterboxes, act as family conflict mediator, counselor, encourager, maintenance worker, run errands, manage the money and/or shop for necessities, liase with the non-homework demands of the school, plan holidays and other time spent with kids' friends, your friends, and extended family?

No? What DOES she do all day?

Re: This too shall pass

By: 71aolson | Mon, 11/16/2009 - 13:31

I too am hoping "this too shall pass". Our marriage has lasted thru 3 previous lay off but this last one has really taken the toll. I completely empathize with the situation and am hoping everything will come out smoothly in the end though I dearly would like to know then the end will come or at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am at my wits end in how to deal with the situation and know that as I take on more to cover the losses our family has gone through with this recession my husband seems to sink deeper into the depression. It is as if he becomes more and more dysfunctional the longer this goes on which in turn hurts our family and our marriage (both financially and emotionally) more and more. Where is the light?

no kidding, Bo!

By: carrot | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 09:28

A person's value is not the same thing as their worth. What a miserable person you'd have to be to split up household responsibilities based on the percentage of the household income you bring in. Does laundry count for 10% or 15% of the chores? What if I fold and you iron? Do we rent or own--who cleans the gutters, the high-wage-earner, the low-wage-earner, or the landlord? Stop grousing about feminism's failures and stop dating jerks. Problem solved.

Housekeeping Tip

By: Bo | Thu, 11/12/2009 - 13:05

"I have always felt that whoever earns the least should do more of the domestic chores."

Boy, if a man said this, he'd be castrated and crucified. Hire a cleaner and get over yourself.

I think men are much kinder

By: Bunnyhop234 | Thu, 11/12/2009 - 10:56

I think men are much kinder when it comes to money. I recently quit my job to stay home with my kids. It has always been my dream, as corny as that may sound. I can't imagine my husband badgering me about how I am spending. I am careful with money but I spend what I want. It seems when women are the breadwinners they are much more aware of whose money it is.

I remember when Kathy Griffin got divorced she explained her husband was stealing her money. I was shocked by this, wasn't it "their money"? He should have just been trusted to have his own credit card and not have had to sneak around. You never hear a famous divorced man say his wife was stealing his money buy going out and spending and buying things. Just like men need to often step it up with the chores, women need to be aware of this attitude problem.

"this too shall pass"

By: jlco | Thu, 11/12/2009 - 10:26

To Ms Anonymous, Please, please, print out what you wrote. Reread it yourself. And, with all due respect, please seek out counseling for yourself alone, as well as couples counseling. This situation will not fix itself.

Pathetic

By: williamjacobs | Wed, 11/11/2009 - 20:41

"I have always felt that whoever earns the least should do more of the domestic chores. Unfortunately, men don’t think that way. I still do my "second job" (housekeeping), while my boyfriend continues to work. And this makes me resentful, to be honest. What exactly did we gain from 100 years of social movement if I can’t get my (lower earning) boyfriend to pull his own weight?"

100 years of social movement originally had equality in mind. The concept was to cross the finish line together, as a team.

Sadly, you seem to have felt the struggle was for an equal chance to have a sense of undue entitlement over your partner.

My wife earns no money yet I help with laundry, dishes, homework, cleaning and fly solo with household repairs and ye olde garbage.

She has laundry folding and cooking exclusively. It's pretty unbalanced. I give more than my share because I have the confidence that she is doing what she can to make our home better. I could do less, but this does not mean she would do more. What's called for here is an acceptance that the conditions of your home must meet a lower standard than you would like if you are to maintain your sanity and stay married.

If achieving your ideal home life is a higher priority you may seek a less demanding career so you can achieve it without help from the spouse who does not share your goals. I have lowered my standards and many may frown upon our dusty, untidy home, but our marriage is solid and our income adequate. Expectations can make or break lives. Achievement of yours appear dependent on something beyond your control (your husband.) You must change one or the other and I shudder at the vision of the husband who would tolerate your superiority complex. Get over yourself, quick.

Anonymous email...

By: Emma Gilbey Keller | Wed, 11/11/2009 - 17:34

In addition to the pieces above I wanted to add this email from a mother who wishes to remain anonymous, but whose marriage is going through a stressful time due to her husband’s unemployment.
“Thanks for offering this forum for sharing. I’m in my 30’s and a first time mother to what many friends and family members have described as the happiest baby girl EVER. She is such a treasure and I’m loving motherhood. There is the added benefit that while my work is demanding it is greatly rewarding on many levels, lucrative (enough to support my family), and there is a need for what I am doing during this financial recession. I’m in a rare position among my peers in that I have been assured continued employment and have received pretty significant merit based raises over the last few years and even received an unexpected increase in salary as recent as two months ago. Did I mention that I telecommute? That is right. I have to travel for work occasionally, but most of what I do I can do in my pajamas (although most days I do get dressed). Oh, and did I mention…my husband is tall, dark and handsome. He is also intelligent and wickedly funny. Do you hate me yet?
But, wait a minute….my husband was laid off right before our daughter was born. He was a highly educated and experienced professional in his field. He was one of the very last people to be let go, in a final round of layoffs right before his internationally renowned employer went under.  There is no work for anyone in his field at the moment, and the odds aren’t good that this will turn around any time soon. My husband is now tall, dark, handsome and …brooding. I was out-earning him by a marginal amount before he was laid-off. We aren’t perfect and never were, but the gist of it is that our relationship of nine years has never been under this amount of stress before. Our idiosyncrasies used to complement each other, but now they just clash. He is depressed, and I get why. In his mind I have everything I want, and he has nothing that he wants. We tried having him take care of the baby while I work (in my office in our house). This did not work for a number of reasons. We slowly transitioned our daughter to full-time daycare outside the home and we are ALL much happier about that, which is something. He isn’t happy about much else. I am not happy with shouldering the burden of primary responsibility in the parenting, domestic and bread-winning roles. However, it seems the more I do, the more I am able to do. While the less he does, the less he is able to do. We are trying different strategies to turn this around. Maybe we will be successful, but we haven't reached the tipping point yet. I wouldn’t mind my position if he would just help out more on the domestic, parenting-front. He seems to have reverted to some bizarre 1950’s vision of me as the perfect house-wife/mother. Although in this updated version for 2009 I also bring home the bacon, cook it up and serve it for dinner. What is his contribution? He buys toys and plays on the computer. He has lunch with friends and disappears for hours to do…whatever it is he does. That isn’t entirely fair of me; he does work intermittently on projects around the house.  He does great work on these home projects, but it is slow going and he prioritizes his interests over function and necessity. He has expressed the sentiment that this contribution is significant and exhausting enough to excuse him from “babysitting”, dishes, laundry, making dinner, and other chores.  I’m in counseling, but he refuses to join me there. He thinks I just need to get better at handling things. He has helpfully suggested that I get more exercise and sleep. Exactly when he expects me to do this I’m not sure. I can barely make it to counseling every other week, and my counselor doesn’t think I’m the one who needs to be there!
On a cerebral level I realize that his depression (a depression he does not acknowledge) is probably the reason that he insists on abdicating all responsibility to me. At least I hope it is situation-based depression. Maybe it’s immaturity? The last and most dreadful option, that he is a flaming narcissist, is something I have a hard time thinking I would have missed in our previous nine years together.  On an animalistic level I resent him to a degree that has me occasionally and inventively murdering him off in my mind (a safe place to do so as long as I keep it there!).  While I still love him, I have to admit I don’t like him much right now.
I just keep holding onto the saying “This too shall pass”. Hopefully the “This” the phrase is referring to is the recession and my husband’s depression and not our marriage.