Despite What My Mother Told Me, There Is an Upside to Being Single
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I love lists. Here’s why:
1.They’re concise
2. They’re aesthetically pleasing.
3. They give me a sense of control.
Wendy Braitman shares my list love. On her website, firstpersonsingular.org, she has already given us 94 Reasons the Man I’m Dating Isn’t Right For Me followed swiftly by 94 Reasons Why the Man I Haven’t Met is Right For Me. If you enjoy writing neatly in a vertical column, send me your practical, silly or serious lists to emma@thecomebackbook.com. Meanwhile, for Your Comeback, Wendy has created a brand new list: Despite What My Mother Told Me, There is an Upside to Being Single.
Hair length is not up for discussion.
Your chores are your own.
The decision of when to leave parties is completely up to you.
You get to choose between the window and the aisle.
No in-laws to ingratiate yourself with.
Far less laundry.
Temperature in the house (and car) is exactly as you like it.
Flirt away!
No one to tell you not to wear that sheer blouse.
Music selection (and volume) is your call.
Your good mood isn’t at risk because of someone’s bad day at the office.
More time for hobbies.
No reason to account for those expensive shoes you just bought.
Closet space for those shoes.
You get to decide what movie to see, what time to see it, and where to sit.
Knowing those cookies you’re looking forward to will still be there when you want them.
Hope of new sex.
Sidestepping the expectation and ensuing disappointment when you’re not listened to.
Not compromising on your career path, even if that means being a workaholic.
A quiet night’s sleep.
Toilet seat is exactly where you left it. Down. And on that note, bathroom is cleaner.
No need to temper that obsessive love for your pet(s).
During the dark night of the soul, not having to wonder if you’ve settled.
Having loads of gay friends.
Vacations never need to include camping.
Recounting your sagas the way you want to, without fear of being corrected.
No bickering. Really. We don’t “bicker” with friends.
Along those lines, no reason to nag.
When that towel is on the floor, there is only you to blame.
If you want to be on time, be on time. If you want to be late, be late.
Not worrying that it somehow reflects badly on you when your spouse gains weight.
For those still getting newspapers: getting first crack at the sections you want
Not fretting over whether you’ll get a gift for important life cycle events.
No one holding a mirror up to your most annoying traits.
The most comfortable chair in your home is always available.
More room on the bookshelves.
You can sleep on a diagonal.
Expensive body wash lasts at least twice as long.
Way fewer crumbs.
There’s no one to answer, “Do I look fat in these pants?”
Wendy Braitman is a 20-year media veteran, who began her career in San Francisco as an on-air journalist and producer in radio and television.
Emma Gilbey Keller ’s book, The Comeback: Seven Stories of Women Who Went from Career to Family and Back Again is available in paperback and makes a great gift. Emma lives with her husband, Bill Keller, their two daughters and their dog. Follow her on Twitter @EmmaGKeller
Comments
Marriage: The Friendship Vacuum
By: hibousoir | Fri, 10/02/2009 - 15:00
I've now lost both of my childhood best friends to marriage--people I knew for twenty years who, once they got married, basically became completely unavailable. Truly, once the spouse comes along it's bye-bye single friend! (PARTICULARLY if you have an opposite-sex best friend. You will ALWAYS be viewed as a threat.)
@Jewellya
By: sarahkat13 | Thu, 10/01/2009 - 20:40
When you posted your description of your husband's actions eliminating your friendships, you said that he did this "through no overt fault of his own," but I'd like to point out that he engaged in specific actions to isolate you from your friends and other social supports all the same. He just did it in subtle ways, like you said. I've heard that story a lot, though not from people in healthy relationships. I work as a counselor at a domestic violence shelter, and I've heard a lot of women tell me about how their partners isolated them socially as one of the early steps in moving to control their lives and abuse them. I don't know anything about your situation beyond what you posted, but you may find the following list interesting: http://www.computerbob.com/dv/signs_of_a_batterer.php It lists signs to look for in someone's personality that may indicate a tendency toward perpetrating abuse down the road. I'm mentioning this because as a woman, you have a right to "girl time," and it's healthy to hang out with people other than your husband sometimes; a partner who does not respect this may also become a bad partner in other, more dangerous ways.
Reader2, for heaven's sake,
By: bookworm | Thu, 10/01/2009 - 01:25
Reader2, for heaven's sake, LIGHTEN the HELL UP.
My other suggestion: get a dictionary, and look up the phrase TONGUE IN CHEEK.
Is this for real???
By: reader2 | Wed, 09/30/2009 - 21:56
My jaw dropped with the second item, and the list just kept getting worse... This list makes several bizarre inaccurate assumptions. First of all, it assumes that being single automatically means living alone (and, to a certain extent, not having friends). Roommates, kids, even guests negate the points about toilet seats, towels on the floor, the cookies still being there, etc. And I don't know about you, but even as a single woman, I frequently go to parties with friends, meaning I'm still not in total control of when I leave (as though that were so important). (And yes, single people do have friends - and careers - and lives, contrary to the "more time for hobbies" assumption that implies singles have no obligations or anything to fill their time.) Mistaken assumption number two (the reverse of number one), the author assumes that all married people are joined at the hip. While I'm not there yet, I'm pretty sure that married people can turn up at parties alone, just like single people, and then they can own the magnificent power of leaving whenever. Next, (hopefully) mistaken assumption number three, the author thinks of marriage as a pretty miserable place, of nagging and bickering and the spouse apparently just *taking* the most comfy seat, the choice seat in the airplane, etc, (no compromise, perish the thought) with a spouse who gets fat and reflects badly on you even as he points out all your worst traits to you. Yeah, compared to marriage like that, being single rocks, but if that was really all marriage was, no one would be married. And finally, what's with the bizarreness of the chores comments? Last time I checked, while two people meant more clothes to wash, it also meant someone else who could do it - meaning you don't *always* have to do the laundry. Ditto for item number two. I'd be more than glad to share my chores.
@Theresa
By: risatrix | Wed, 09/30/2009 - 16:14
It's great that you make sure to be considerate when you're dating. But it's also helpful to call out friends when they start acting like that. As a frequent "single friend" I've gotten more and more explicit about telling friends I want to see to spend quality with them, and not their partners or kids. It usually works out pretty well -- they're flattered, I'm more comfortable, everybody's happy.
@Jewellya
By: Kapt Z | Wed, 09/30/2009 - 15:18
Take heart. The legends of the existence of 'progressive' men are true.....
Just remember we're a rare breed indeed and not easily bagged. *wink*
@theresa
By: Jewellya | Wed, 09/30/2009 - 14:56
In my experience, it was not I who wanted Mr. Cranky to come along. I wanted Girl-time. He "wanted to spend time with me" and "liked my friends" and made enough of a fit about being left out that I said "fine," only to have us get into a fight about it later, because he ruined my Girl-Time.
It's very hard for some guys to understand "You have Your time, I have My time, then We have Our time". After marriage, for the men who manage to hide it during the courtship, you realize exactly how infantile they can be. It takes a very progressive-minded man to be otherwise. But I've only read about them...
Yes, why are some people handcuffed to their partners?
By: Kapt Z | Wed, 09/30/2009 - 14:51
It is silly that some people cannot manage to socialize without their spouses in tow. I love all my wife's friends and enjoy going out with them occasionally, but I don't mind at all when they have 'girls nites'. I either go out with my buds or relax in front of the tv or read a book. Same for her. Sometimes she comes to Monday nite football, sometimes not. Not a big deal.
Only thing worse is the people who insist on bringing their bored 9 year old to the get together.
The Single Friend
By: TheresaMC | Wed, 09/30/2009 - 14:13
As a perpetually single girl, I am always wondering why my friends' husbands and boyfriends seem to have such a big impact on my social life. Not only do my friends seem to be incapable of hanging out unless their partners are out of town, or otherwise occupied, but they also insist on dragging them along to places where they're miserable and inevitably ruin our fun! As a result, when I am in a relationship, I go to great pains not to disappear...or ruin everyone's good time by dragging a cranky boyfriend along.
nevermind gay friends...
By: Jewellya | Wed, 09/30/2009 - 11:41
You have more friends in general. because you don't have to orchastrate meeting up with friends with husband's schedule. (should he come with? should he be equally occupied? should he be left to fend for himself?)
.
Through no overt fault of his own, the presence/needs of my husband has interfered and eventually eliminated all my friendships.
it sucks. I would like to think I'm not alone on this.