The Upsetting "Blame the Victim" Mentality in This Week's "Friend or Foe"

To the DoubleX commenters who were outraged with Lucinda’s “Friend or Foe” column from Monday, and who don’t feel mollified by this morning’s apology: I see where you’re coming from. When I first read Lucinda’s response to the girl who says someone “slipped [her] a mickey” at a concert and then was ditched by her friends, I gave Lucinda the benefit of the doubt. I’ve talked to her before; I like her; I didn’t want to believe she’d be quite this flip about such a troubling tale.

So I reasoned that Lucinda, who is older than you’d think by her impeccable skin, just didn’t know what “slipped me a mickey” meant. It was this line, I thought, that revealed her ignorance:

Yes, overnights at the E.R. are the opposite of fun. So are disastrous drug trips. (I had one in my twenties, which pretty much sealed my fate as an illegal-substance ninny.)

This was not a disastrous drug trip. This was someone being drugged. To conflate the two is to imply that a woman getting drugged at a bar is as responsible for that outcome as one who willingly sneaks into a bathroom stall to snort a line. That couldn’t be what Lucinda meant, right?

But on rereading Lucinda’s response, and seeing that ending I must have glossed over the first time—“I’d wager a guess that [your friends] think you’re lying about the mickey, tales of which are sometimes used as a cover for irresponsible behavior. (Only you know the truth.)”—I realized what our commenters already knew: that Lucinda understood the girl’s claim that she was drugged. She just didn’t buy it.

In her apology this morning, Lucinda writes:

I was struck by how many readers seemed to be hearing echoes of date rape or sexual abuse in ‘Drugged’s’ story. I have to admit, I did not think of that at the time. There is no evidence in her letter that she was a victim of a sex crime.

But the echoes of date rape or sexual abuse aren’t in the confines of the story of what happened that night. The echoes are in Lucinda’s answer, and the implication that the girl should take responsibility for ending up unconscious on the sidewalk. That’s the same sort of “blame the victim” mentality we’re so used to hearing and striking down when it comes to rape.

Maybe Lucinda’s right that this girl is using being drugged as an excuse for letting her night get so out of hand. (As she and others point out, it’s hard to make sense of the friends being angry with her in the morning otherwise.) But, as Mary Carmichael writes on Newsweek today, the fact that some women lie about being drugged doesn’t mean that Lucinda should assume this one woman is lying, or that women are never drugged, “any more than the murkiness of sexual assault statistics and the occasional false accusation means that women are never raped.”

Tags: Drugged, drugs, friendship, Rape

Samantha Henig is the associate editor of Double X, and can be reached at samantha.henig@doublex.com.

Comments

So are you going to ACTUALLY apologize or not?

By: kwebby | Sat, 10/17/2009 - 23:21

Reading this was so very disappointing. I was expecting to see something along the lines of "we're sorry this article upset so many readers and we can see that perhaps Lucinda's "advice" was lacking and insensitive". But no. All we get is a regurgitation of quotes from another article and a "Maybe Lucinda’s right that this girl is using being drugged as an excuse for letting her night get so out of hand." WTH? I kept looking for more expecting to see something other than what was written.

You said in the beginning "I see where you're coming from." No, you don't. If you did you wouldn't have tried to pass this b*llsh*t off as an apology (welllll, we kind of see why you're upset BUUUUT...).

It's a half-assed attempt and I'm pretty sure that most women see right through it.

Sigh...

By: ktpeterson | Fri, 10/16/2009 - 13:44

I have to say, I'm really disappointed that this seems to be the only response to the "Friend or Foe" column. I think, more than anything, we all want to hear that at least someone on the editorial staff gets why so many readers were so upset. I guess all we're gonna get is this watered-down acknowledgment. Really, DoubleX? This is all you're willing to pony up?

Friends don't abandon friends - at any age

By: junesmith1968 | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 12:51

As as woman with a year on Lucinda, I can tell you right now that Lucinda's age isn't what has her out of touch. In my 20s my TRUE friends (who remain my friends now) took the military's approach of "leave no man behind" when it came to going out. We are even more vigilant now - because at forty plus we recognize just how dangerous the world is. We've seen prime time specials about guys who spike drinks and seen stories on the news about women who are victimized by seemingly nice guys and we are all too aware of the danger of accepting a free drink when we didn't see how it was made. We don't leave bars, clubs or restaurants without making sure everyone is in their cars (or in cabs). If we are out late, and someone doesn't email or text that they are home safely, they can expect phone calls - even if those calls are at 2 or 3 am. That's what good friends do - be they twenty-five or fifty-five.

Here's the frying pan; there's the fire; let's add some gas.

By: junesmith1968 | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 12:40

Something that seems to be missing from Lucinda' and Samantha's posts: sometimes people just have crappy friends. The fact that these folks have been "besties" for ten years doesn't mean that these women are reliable friends in general or in particular when things go bad. It sounds like these friends may be friends since junior high or high school. If so, they may be friends because they've known each other for (what seeems like) forever, and perhaps not because these are true and enduring relationships with people who can be counted on in the long term.
Even if the letter writer was the drama queen friend, or even the "I get drunk and pass out in random places" friend, this woman was clearly frightened enough by what happened to go to the hospital. A true friend, particularly one who has known you for a decade, ought to recognize that something disturbing happened.
The fact that no one pumped the girl's stomach doesn't mean, as Lucinda claims, that we can be "sure" that the friend was out of danger. If the hospital was filled with folks like Lucinda, there may have been no testing to determine whether there had beeen a drugging and if so, what kind of drugs were used. Further, the letter writer might seem fine ... until she comes up with an STD or worse. Moreover, the presumption that the friend was being "watched" at the hospital is laughable. Has Lucinda ever been to a busy ER?!?
A friend isn't at the hospital just to "hold her hand" - although that can be important. Friends can be there to do things like urge that the traumatized letter writer get a rape kit, to get blood tests to find out what happened to her, and critically help Drugged think about calling the police.
Lucinda's skepticism about how many friends would be there if a friend woke up on the side of the road (literally) and then in the emergency room is sad. Perhaps she's focused so much on writing about crap friendships that she honestly has forgotten what really good friends do for one another.
In short, Lucinda's first post was horrible. Her second only made matters worse. Samantha's wasn't much better. If XX is where women say "what women really think," I think need to go somewhere to hear from the men.

I love Broadsheet, Forget you DoubleX

By: Somnambulina | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 12:11

I love Broadsheet, Forget you DoubleX
http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/10/15/rosenfeld_roofie/

Remove Lucinda Rosenfeld from "Friend or Foe" Petition

By: Jujubee | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 11:28

http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/removelucinda

I think the root of this

By: Katie27again | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 09:41

I think the root of this outrage is that LR still has a job and that that the DoubleX editors will keep defending her. The comments to her posts are more intelligent, thoughtful, and frankly entertaining than her advice. She's just a terrible writer and--while you might not guess it from her flawless skin and adorable smile--an unapologetic misogynist.

Week after week LR makes it clear she despises women; that the only worthy women enjoy motherhood and the attention of men; that women are inherently jealous, back-stabbing, manipulative, and petty; And DoubleX implicitly endorses her by keeping her on staff.

Essentially, it comes down to 2 possibilites: Either Lucinda is a terrible person unworthy of the true friendships of which she would appear to know nothing, OR, she's a terrible writer. In either case, why hasn't she been let go? Because she published a book on inherently jealous, back-stabbing, manipulative and petty women? She generates a lot of mouse-clicking? If this is the case, I'm done with DoubleX.

Oh, give me a break

By: remarking | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 09:28

"I did not think of that at the time. There is no evidence in her letter that she was a victim of a sex crime."

Does she really not know why people slip women mickeys? Maybe you should get some advice columnists that don't live inside a bubble. Or, more likely, maybe you should get some advice columnists that don't feign ignorance to avoid taking responsibility for their victim-blaming bullshit. Whether or not she was actually raped is completely irrelevant; someone was obviously attempting to, and she was left to fend for herself while on date rape drugs. And her friends? Did not care. The success or failure of the rapist has no impact whatsoever on the ethics of what her friends chose to do. Not only did they abandon her, they told her to go back to the club where she was drugged -- the club where her would-be rapist had been, and possibly still was. NOT OKAY.

Another writer weighs in ...

By: Somnambulina | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 08:28

This one's interesting too,
http://majikthise.typepad.com/majikthise_/2009/10/contrarian-doublex-hir...

(I'd say more spectacularly bad friend with a questionable overall agenda than sociopath, myself, but it's interesting perspective nonetheless.)

Just curious...

By: jennies1897 | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 08:12

I've always wanted to write an advice column. Can I take a shot at Lucinda's job? Can't say I have any qualifications, but I've made friends and severed friends and have lived an incredibly full life for my short 28 years. At present moment, I'm not really doing all that much...At least it'd occupy some time :)

In many instances, I agree with the commenters. Lucinda would be the kind of person I'd meet and dismiss as friend - I'd hold her more an acquaintence. Someone I know, someone I care at least a little bit about, but NO ONE I would call if something were wrong or I needed advice. She thinks of herself first in every instance, probably gauging her friends by how many people make time for her. I've really tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but really - I don't think she makes for a very good friend at all and doubt she should be giving advice to people on how to be a friend. On the other hand, she's giving great advice on how to be an acquaintence.

If you don't want to change the writer, then perhaps renaming this to an Acquaintence Advice Column would be more appropriate.