Surrogates Need More Than Compassion or Money to Be Successful

Kerry, you’re right that surrogates need not be motivated by compassion alone. That’s because being a surrogate is a tough job. Never mind the social stigma they face explaining to their families and neighbors why they’re carrying someone else’s kids.

Surrogates often have to deal with multiple births, Caesarian sections and mandatory bed rest. One Arizona surrogate even carried quintuplets for one couple.

Many standard contracts require that a surrogate undergo six inseminations or three rounds of in-vitro fertilization. And she may not receive full payment unless one of these efforts results in a pregnancy. Before she even gets the job, she may have to submit to extensive psychological, drug and medical screening—while being at the mercy of notoriously sketchy agencies or inexperienced couples who try to broker contracts on their own. Even though she can earn up to $20,000, the fee may not cover unexpected expenses, for everything from maternity clothes to time off work due to pregnancy complications.

And while many surrogates say they love being pregnant, they can’t escape the toll pregnancy takes on their bodies: stretch marks, heartburn, weight gain, insomnia and hemorrhoids. (Some surrogates even go out of their way to send their intendeds pictures of their growing bellies or offer to nurse the babies after they are born.) Many employers (called “intended parents”) are obviously grateful, giving the women titles such as “Our Angel” or “Special Auntie,” inviting them to visit—or, the biggest honor, asking them to carry a sibling.

But surrogates may be disappointed when their intendeds don’t appreciate the sacrifice, regard them as hired incubators, and want as little to do with them as possible—perhaps out of fear that the women will form an emotional attachment to the children they're carrying. Surrogate message boards, such as those on the site Surromomsonline, are full of tales of alleged poor treatment by intended parents, who literally take the babies and run. One particular complaint: Not being allowed to hold the baby you carried and delivered. One surrogate wrote that the experience was so heartbreaking she’d never do it again. Then there are the frequent squabbles over medical coverage, lifestyle, or birthing protocol. Did the surrogate agree to a natural delivery? Go to pre-natal yoga? Eat enough organic produce?

A surrogate needs a lot more than compassion to be successful in this business. She needs resilience, dedication and, if she is financially compensated, the up-front understanding that she will earn every cent.

Tags: surrogates, surromomsonline

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Sarah Elizabeth Richards is the author of Motherhood Rescheduled: Five Women, Five Quests to Stop the Biological Clock to be published in summer 2010. Get the latest by joining the mailing list at www.motherhoodrescheduled.com.

Comments

Thanks for the perspective

By: Murasaki | Wed, 07/22/2009 - 12:49

It was very informative for me to hear about some of the abuses of surrogate parents and the prejudices they face, as it represented a significant piece of this issue that I've been largely ignorant of. Having worked in various mental health settings for parents and children in the past, the extent of my direct contact with surrogacy has only made me aware of the difficulties faced by the intended parents- surrogates reneging on a deal, choosing to keep the child even after financial compensations have been paid, having unwanted forms of involvement with the family afterwards, etc., and that as little legal precedent existed there was almost no protection for intended parents (it was often characterized to me that it was difficult/impossible to enforce any kind of contract for the arrangement assuming a contract even existed). It was enough to- if the nature of my own infertility had allowed for the option- scare me off from even thinking of it, as the idea of being "screwed over at the maternity ward" sounded too heartbreaking to gamble with.

I feel considerably more enlightened to have heard about this issue from the other side of the equation. I believe that the concept and existence of surrogacy represents a wonderful option and oppportunity for everyone seeking reproductive help, and hope that a just and consistent framework is created to protect everyone involved.

While I appreciate the

By: mtnhighmama | Wed, 07/22/2009 - 11:59

While I appreciate the sentiment that surrogates must go through a lot to help a family have a child, I am offended by the idea that surrogates 'must', 'are required', 'may have to submit', etc.

It is often frowned upon to refer to surrogacy as a job because the implication is that it sets up a hierachical structure between the Intended Parents and the Surrogate, putting all of the power into the Intended Parents' hands. While this can happen, I think it is more realistic to say that most parties go into a surrogacy knowing that there are requirements in place to protect ALL of the parties, and these requirements are met willingly without a sense of acquiescing or obligation.

Everything in a surrogacy relationship is negotiable. Surrogates are not required to do anything that they don't agree to, and it is important to remember that a relationship and the particulars are negotiated. There are, of course, standards. However, a surrogacy is not just about the end result. Surrogacy is a relationship that, when done in an educated and respectful manner, most often results in a lasting and fulfilling friendship.

Surrogates have a voice in the relationship, and it is as much their journey and experience as it is the Intended Parents'.

That said, I applaud your final statement: "A surrogate needs a lot more than compassion to be successful in this business. She needs resilience, dedication and, if she is financially compensated, the up-front understanding that she will earn every cent."

I agree!

By: dahlia | Wed, 07/22/2009 - 08:26

Thank you for this. I agree completely. I only wish you hadn't called us employees! It really doesn't feel like an employee/employer relationship. Rather, it feels more like a cooperative effort to bring life into this world. We have come into each others lives to give each other a gift: for them, they will have their babies. For me, I will be able to have my own dream: creating a birth network and pregnancy resource center for expectant and postpartum families in my town. Without each other, neither of us would have these gifts. I certainly don't feel like their employee though, and I think intended parents might also become offended at that term.

Thank you very much for this

By: SmartOneKym | Tue, 07/21/2009 - 20:42

Thank you very much for this post. Surrogates need to be resilient, good communicators, and able to keep their wits about them under critical circumstances. Even when all is well between the surrogate and intended parents, there are many external factors outside of their control which can be stressful, such as dealing with negative cycles and pregnancy complications.

Though I am glad that you have stood up for surrogates, I do, however (as most other surrogates) disagree with our surrogacy arrangements being spoken of in the context of being "jobs." Using terms like, "employer, hired, getting the job" connotes that we, as surrogates are inferior to our intended parents and that they are in authority over us. Surrogacy is a cooperative partnership between people of equal standing. It is an mutual agreement, not terms of employment between employers and employees.

Again, thank you for this. Often, surrogates are stereotyped to be "the bad guys." As you pointed out, there are also situations where the intended parents don't deliver as promised (no pun intended). Even with pointing out negative situations that sometimes occur between intended parents and surrogates, overall there are still more positive situations that outweigh the negative ones.