Should a Wronged Wife Embrace a Love Child—Or Pretend It's Not Happening?

DoubleX is starting a new partnership with The Washington Post Magazine. Each week our contributors will argue over a certain question, and we invite you to join in. This week, recent talk about whether John Edwards is the father of mistress Rielle Hunter’s child makes us wonder: How should a wronged wife handle a love child?

Emily Bazelon: If Elizabeth Edwards wanted to give her husband a public flogging, I’d hand her the wet noodle. And if there was a way for her to wreak revenge on his mistress, Rielle Hunter, without hurting the baby, I’d give her that, too. But there isn’t. And to despise the child would be wrong and also soul-killing. Even (especially?) if the father of that child is your husband. A wronged wife should somehow set aside her own anger to give a rat-fink husband the space to have a relationship with his baby. A financial one, for sure, and visits, too. If she can’t countenance that, then she should get rid of the rat fink.

Hanna Rosin: That all seems lovely and humane and correct—but totally unrealistic. Even a woman as brutally honest and smart as Elizabeth Edwards has blind spots. I don’t think a wife should despise a love child. But I do think she should have the right to ignore the child. I guess what I’m arguing for here is some old-fashioned repression. Once upon a time, you could deal with these things quietly: Keep it all under wraps and save everyone’s dignity. A cheating husband should accept responsibility, but a wronged wife should be allowed to continue to pretend that it all isn’t happening.

Comments

Get rid of the rat fink

By: socal | Mon, 10/19/2009 - 13:07

How about getting rid of the rat fink and then ignore the love child? Do give him generous custody time with your own kids and should your children later choose to have a relationship with the love child, give them your blessings. Do not despise the love child. She did not ask to be born to two unscrupulous parents.

My dad had a love child...and we love my half brother.

By: dingdingfranco | Sun, 10/18/2009 - 23:30

My dad was a bartender in the 60s. Before he started seriously dating my mom, he had a one night stand with a friend of a friend. About 6 years ago, I got an email from my brother that we knew nothing about. He had been diagnosed with testicular cancer and was interested in learning about the other half of his family. He was very specific about not wanting to cause problems in my family and didn't want to get anyone in trouble. At first I was skeptical (who wouldn't be) but as we got to know each other I was overjoyed. I had always wanted an older brother and I got one. I also got a wonderful neice and nephew, and a terrific ex-sister in law. Not all stories are going to end up wonderfully. It turned out for us, that we had so many things in common. My new brother and my old brother both are musicians, look similar and have similar interests. My new brother always felt like an outcast in his family growing up and with us he finally feels like he is home. My mom was great (she finally got grandkids - although it was a bit of a shock). I'm sure that it was before my parent were together made it easier for her. I like my brother's mom, she comes over when he comes to visit. I just wish that I had know my new brother from earlier on in my life. I think he wouldn't have felt so lost and angry growing up. I guess what I want people to take away from my story is that, stuff happens - but the child is the innocent one. It's hard when you are the one that's wronged, but I think the child HAS to have priority...you never know, it may end up being a wonderful thing.

Well, my own love child is

By: jx | Sun, 10/18/2009 - 16:23

Well, my own love child is due to be born any day now. I'm pretty sure the wife does not know yet. Should it all come to light I'd imagine she is within her rights to leave the guy. But if she does stay with him I don't think she needs to see my child or create a space in her family, unless she wants too. But if she does choose to stay I'd expect her to at least allow him the space to visit the child - even if she wants to know nothing about it.

It's a suckful situation all round but now there is a kid involved who deserves to know his father and be supported, regardless of how we all ended up in this mess.

Daughter of um, "love child" here

By: panacea | Sun, 10/18/2009 - 15:14

My father had known all of his life that he was adopted. It was not until he was 48 that he learned from others that he was the product of an affair between his adoptive father & another woman. My grandmother had done exactly what most people commenting here swear they would never do - take the child in and raise it as her own. This was all in a very small town in upstate New York in the late 1930s.

My grandparents never achieved the fame of the Edwards family, my grandmother was not terminally ill, nor did she have other children to consider. They were respected citizens in their own community & my grandmother, like perhaps Elizabeth, was the much-better-liked person of the couple. It helped that the woman was a visitor to the community. By the time we all found out, my grandmother had been dead for a decade. My father & grandfather never spoke to each other of this situation.

How did my grandmother do it? She just did it. My father was her child. No if's, ands or buts. Perhaps she came to see it as a favor done for her by this woman - bear the child she couldn't. Again, this was the late '30s, remember: a minister's daughter in a small town raising the child her husband fathered out of wedlock.

Like it or not. Mrs. Edwards has to remember that this is her children's half-sister and look past the very ugly circumstances. The Edwardses have my prayers, as does Ms. Hunter & the child.

Apply the Wisdom of Solomon...

By: MrJM | Sun, 10/18/2009 - 10:14

Q: Should a Wronged Wife Embrace a Love Child -- Or Pretend It's Not Happening?

A: Pretend to Embrace the Love Child.

-- MrJM

love child

By: Sarah9461 | Sat, 10/17/2009 - 22:52

I don't think a wife has any obligation to recognize the love child of her husband. Especially Elizabeth Edwards, who has been through enough, don't you think? Her husband lied to her WHILE he was "confessing!" (He told her it was a one-time thing, that it was all over with long before the baby had been conceived, and he renewed his wedding vows with her on their 30th anniversary even though he still had not come clean!) She does not have to have a relationship with that woman or her baby.
While I'm on the subject of marital infidelity, can we just lay to rest the notion that men wouldn't cheat if only they were "getting some" at home? Most unfaithful men have poor self esteem (sometimes caused by the infidelity of their own fathers), and affairs are triggered by seeking a boost to their fragile egos. These men will tell their therapists that they are still in love with their wives and it was not about sex, it was about pumping up their egos. The woman who has been washing your underwear for 30 years doesn't usually spend a lot of time telling you how "awesome" you are.

There's no one size fits all, as one does not know

By: cybercitizen | Sat, 10/17/2009 - 16:03

what goes on in a relationship, particularly after the death of a child, when drifting apart is extremely common. With the occurrence of emotional trauma, one tends to wall off part of one's brain. Plus, there may exist irrational blame by both parties that is hard to let go.

In general, one should try to forgive one's enemies/loved ones as much as possible, for one's own sake, to prevent the anger from eating one up from within. Keeping anger inside is bad for one's health. On the other hand, forgiving is very hard to do, and it is better not to pretend to, if one just can't. Erring is human, forgiving is divine. No one is expected to be divine.

Elizabeth should do whatever she is comfortable with. Don't put the focus and onus on her.

It is Rielle Hunter who needs to put this episode behind her, get a job, make a life of her own, find another relationship (with a single man, of course) for the here and now, instead of waiting in the wings with a suspended life. She needs to grow up and become the knight in shining armor. She needs to demonstrate some maturity and become a proper role model for her own child.

My own spouse for many years entertained a mistress...alcohol. Though it was an experience full of grief and anger, a lot of light came in. I gained a much deeper understanding of the world. I came to see that everyone has their own addictions, just in different degrees, and that many of the problems in the world do not stem from greed so much as irrational fears and insecurities.

Breeding and Procreation are not individually pre-ordained

By: blazintommyd | Sat, 10/17/2009 - 13:25

There are possibilities it will occur and therefore both persons are responsible. While another man could be a contributing factor another woman isn't and I don't believe that she has any particular responsibility to 'service' her husband so he won't "stray"; but apparently he did and it could be for any number of reasons. "Shit happens" far more frequently than pregnancy and child birth is also a fact of life; but the child is none of the non-involved person's business; but her spouse's may be depending on the contract. This sort of thing seems to complicate things and only they can see how so I leave the whole thing up to them.

Wronged Wife

By: feistyreddragon | Sat, 10/17/2009 - 07:05

The recent press coverage of the scumbag politicians who have cheated on their wives has made me sick. Both Edwards and Gov. Sanford's stories disgusted me. These men do not have a clue. When Jenny Sanford left her husband and took the boys I cheered.

My husband had an affair that resulted in a child. I immediately divorced him and never looked back. If you have never been in this situation you have no idea of the pain that ensues. An affair is one thing, to be constantly reminded of the betrayal by the presence of a child is something totally different, and a quandary in itself. It's a problem that destroys your heart and mind, the desire not to take out anger on an innocent child, on the other hand, the prospect of including the child in your established family life and being in a position of assisting to raise the child is a knife that will never stop twisting.

Elizabeth Edwards for all her intelligence seems to be in a state of denial about some essential aspects of her husband's betrayal, even excusing it to some degree.

So to the response "give the rat fink space for a relationship with the child..." Give him some space... in the house of the woman he cheated with, let him sleep in the bed he made, you are not obligated to have anything to do with that child. Not everyone will be in a position to leave their husband like I did, there were many hard, rock-bottom times for a long time afterward, but I don't regret it. I hope they both divorce these oblivious losers. Both women deserve a lot better than the hands they have been dealt by their cheating husbands.