Shared Suicide is Selfish

While I agree with Nina that the gesture of dying along with his terminally ill wife was insanely romantic, in my book, Sir Edward Downes was also insane. The expensive (Dignitas, the Zurich clinic that administered the deadly barbiturate cocktail charges about $6,570 each) and dramatic assisted suicide pact of the distinguished British orchestra conductor and his wife strikes me as, sorry to say, overkill.

My husband and I both work at home, and there are entire days we speak to nobody but each other. After reading the story this morning of the Downes' decision to die together, I told him that, though I love him dearly, he needn’t come with me when I cross into eternity. “Actually,” I joked, “I’ll need the quiet.”

In truth, I think it would be unusually cruel to our children to lose both parents on the same day. As Kerry points out, death is our universal prognosis, but each in our own time. Until then, when we lose a loved one, we are obligated to mourn, keep our dear ones in our hearts and memories, and soldier on. The Downes' son, Caractacus, and daughter, Boudicca, accompanied the older pair to their Swiss death beds, and though both were named for legendary warriors, presumably the two feel a deep human loss for their parents. I understand the shared devotion of the elderly couple, happily married for 54 years. But no matter how deep our love for one another, allegiance must be to the living.

Photograph of doctor by Getty Images.

Tags: euthanasia; assisted suicide

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Bonnie Goldstein Trained investigator, experienced mother and beginning blogger.

Comments

Selfish is Relative

By: tikigirl | Thu, 07/16/2009 - 19:20

While I can see Ms. Goldstein's point of view, who is she to judge what this couple did? It seems to me that the completion of their life was clearly thought out, their family while maybe not happy about it, were there in the end with their love and the Downes's ended a 54 year journey together.

I work with many seniors and have seen the devastation that is often wrought when the end of life occurs. Many of my clients would gladly choose to take the final trip with their loved ones if they could. The pain of "soldiering on" is often far greater than any of us will ever know until it our time. In this case with one terminally ill and the other failing, it was a decision to finish what they began together and was done in love.

One final thought, I didn't find the cost of the treatment to be so unreasonable. To continue her treatment or to even just make her comfortable so she could die when her body decided to give up, could have been considerably more expensive. While the choice to commit a double suicide is not for everyone, it is obvious that this couple did exactly what they wanted to do.

Not judging

By: CorkPopper | Thu, 07/16/2009 - 10:33

I believe it's not for any of us to say whether the conductor was right or wrong in his actions...clearly it was well thought out, and the family was involved, and I won't criticize. I agree with Bonnie that we shouldn't over-romanticize it, though. There is something to be said for "soldiering on" for the sake of the family. Death and illness is part of the human condition and we can't whitewash it away. My own father went through a long slow decline at the end and although he definitely thought of ending it sooner, I'm extremely grateful that I had those last few days of being present with him, taking care of him, feeling like I did everything I could for him. Just my experience.

Here, here! Nicely spoken and

By: jennies1897 | Thu, 07/16/2009 - 07:47

Here, here! Nicely spoken and well put. Our allegiances are to the living, not the dead. We honor the dead. We don't honor anything with the sacrifice of a life anymore. I thought the human race was past believing that meant anything.

The children aren't necessarily hurt in this case, because it's been openly discussed. Not every family discusses topics openly, some are more protective of the bigger issues in life than they ought to be. Some people in general are like that. Opening up assisted suicide opens a can of worms. Would anyone here be convinced someone who is mentally ill might feel tortured? What are the rules of assisted suicide for them? I guess no one would really care. I hope none of your loved ones are stricken with schizophrenia.

In the end, this man took his life because he felt he would be a burden no one else would want to carry. That is such a sad story. It is not romantic to me at all, it is sad and it makes me want to hug him. But I can't. He's dead.

bizarre priorities

By: kate1981 | Wed, 07/15/2009 - 22:30

I agree that Goldstein's post shows a marked lack of empathy. If we're talking money, the sum seems paltry compared to what end-of-life health care costs usually run, but I think that's *definitely* beside the point. The children seemed to be at peace with the decision. There is nothing more heartbreaking than having to watch an older relative "soldier on," as you say, long after their will to live has left them. I'm not saying I don't have reservations about this act, but to call it "selfish" seems, well, unimaginative, to say the least.

Life expectancy at 85

By: Punditus Maximus | Wed, 07/15/2009 - 22:09

Life expectancy at 85 for a male is about 3 years, less if you are unwell (or, one assumes, bereaved). I can work with the decision of a man to take his life with a few years of unwell, grief-stricken life to look forward to much more easily than the same decision from a man with decades to come. One of them feels like an attempt to close a book which will be closed soon on one's own terms. The other . . . doesn't. I don't know all the answers, just that this is how I feel.

"Someone who would

By: phpeter | Wed, 07/15/2009 - 21:08

"Someone who would contemplate suicide is most likely either in mental anguish, or unbearable physical pain. "

So, mental anguish is one standard that could be met for professional assisted suicide, not just terminal illness or pain? Any others? It strikes me that there is an incredible disconnect here. It is not just that you are arguing for suicide, but for society to sanction a means by which we allow people to kill themselves. A whole new standard for how we decide whether a life is or is not worth living. So, with all the problems we have in society, you want to unleash this as a solution to what problem? The problem of mental anguish? Remorse? Grief? Really, until this story came out and was romanticized, was this an issue that ever crossed our minds? What is the problem we are trying to solve?

Lastly, the implication I get from some of the posts is that just because somebody is old, they have less value and so it is OK for them to die. Take the same story, same variables except they are 55 years old? 45? 35? 25? At what point does this no longer seem romantic or poetic.

Death is hard, but so is caretaking.

By: eprice | Wed, 07/15/2009 - 18:49

Suicide is selfish- but growing into old age can be as much a burden as premature death can be. Had the conductor chosen to live, his children would not have the anguish of losing both parents at once, that is true. However, the conductor's children would have to death with their own grief while also shouldering their father's sorrow- sorrow he clearly was not prepared to face, otherwise he would have lived. As time wore on, the conductor's children would have to take care of him both in moments of old loneliness and as his physical health deteriorated. Eventually, he too would die, and his children would experience the grief of an unexpected loss.

The conductor's actions saved his children from possible years of care-taking and emotional support, as well as an unpredictable death. Are two predictable, controlled deaths necessarily twice as bad as one suicide and one drawn-out death? I'm not so sure.

Children want what's best for parents, too.

By: Cheruth | Thu, 07/16/2009 - 01:23

When his time did come, I don't think any adult child would declare "Well, thank God he lived out those last few years desperate alone and miserable. I don't know what I would have done if he had died peacefully with mom!".

So many children don't get that chance to say goodbye. This family had those last moments and complete closure. Most people I know who have lost a parent would be envious. They wouldn't for a second claim this elderly man was selfish.

Allegiance to the living? They were both alive when they made that decision. Their children accompanied them so they must have supported the decision. All living adults who have any right to have a say in this were let in on the decision. Who is this allegiance supposed to go to, exactly?

He made this decision based on factors none of us have to deal with. Loss of his beloved wife. Facing the further decline of his own abilities. Seeing his children grown and not really needing him anymore. Knowing he accomplished everything he was going to in life.

What a heartless post that completely lacks empathy.

Not for you to decide

By: wordy | Wed, 07/15/2009 - 16:58

Wow... I could not help reading this author's post and wondering how she can assign motives to something that maybe she has been fortunate not to face. It is not selfish to live as one pleases, but to expect others to live as we would please.
Someone who would contemplate suicide is most likely either in mental anguish, or unbearable physical pain. Both of those states are valid in their effects and turmoil. How is it not more selfish of the living to expect someone to endure pain just so their life won't change. Death is horrible, and someone choosing it is so opposite to what we all yearn for; and yet, everyone should have the right to only endure as much as they can. Now, obviously, suicide hotlines are absolutely wonderful and for teenagers in a state of mental development, should be encouraged as an outlet. But, to look at an 85-year-old man and pass judgement on his motives and to attach a legacy to him so haphazardly, I find the author the one who is selfish.

Suicide is Selfish?

By: Adrasteia | Wed, 07/15/2009 - 16:32

Ms. Goldstein seems to miss two important points. The first is that the Downes decision does not need to be her decision. We are still allowed to decide how to live our own lives. The second, the Downes' son was with them when they died. He approved and understood.

How very much more civilized this is than watching your parents die slowly and painfully, day after day, as I watched mine. How selfish to want to keep your parents with you when they have given up on living. How selfish to expect them to live on simply to satisfy their children's wants.

I wonder if Ms. Goldstein would feel the same way about treatment for a fatal disease. Is it selfish to refuse treatment for cancer when you know it will be more painful than death? For heaven's sake. Death comes to us all. All children will lose their parents. Why not allow them to chose dignity over the awful humiliation of a decaying body?