A Rant in Favor of Public Shaming for Cell Phone Misconduct

I’m more of an etiquette snob than self-proclaimed etiquette expert Anna Post. Or so it seemed at yesterday’s “Mobile Etiquette Tea,” where she and Intel’s Dr. Geneveive Bell discussed what’s socially acceptable use of cell phones, smart phones, lap tops, and e-mail.

Over finger sandwiches and a tower of cupcakes at the Russian Tea Room, a woman posed a hypothetical for Anna, the granddaughter of Emily Post: Who is ruder, the person jabbering away on her cell phone on the bus while everyone around her grows increasingly annoyed, or the annoyed seatmates who spent 10 minutes rolling their eyes and harrumphing and generally trying to make it passive aggressively clear to her that she should shut up? Anna said that, as with someone who spills red wine all over a dinner table, the proper way to deal with the “accidental offender” is to keep your annoyance to yourself so the situation can be smoothed over as quickly as possible.

What? Someone screaming about last night’s sexual exploits into her phone in a closed space is as blameless as the klutz whose elbow knocked the wine? I think not. The reason you move on from the dinner table gaffe is that the person responsible already feels horrible. The phone offender doesn’t. She’s not an “accidental offender”; she’s just oblivious.

Another woman at the event who called herself “an authority in afternoon tea” (yet wore her coat, giant fur hat, and matching fur scarf at the table, and said she wasn’t shaking hands because of the swine flu, yet had her mitts and nose all over the plate of tea bags that we were sharing—go figure) stressed that etiquette is borne out of practicality, citing the example of table settings at tea. (She is horrified, for the record, that Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t set a table properly.) Anna agreed, adding that a standard place setting also makes people comfortable, which is the goal of etiquette rules.

I dunno about that. Seems like you could have the best intentions for the comfort of your tea guest, but just not know which direction a knife should face. But that’s not the case with cell phones. There are no rules to memorize. It’s just about awareness. You either think about the comfort of the person sitting next to you on the bus trying to read, or the feelings of the lunch companion you’re all but ignoring as your furiously respond to e-mails that could easily wait another 20 minutes (what’s the worst that happens—your boss thinks you eat lunch?), or you don’t.

So I say, harrumph away. Do your best public shaming for blatant misconduct when it comes to cell phones. Maybe that’s what it takes to carve out some standards for mobile etiquette that will actually stick.

Tags: cell phones, etiquette

Samantha Henig is the associate editor of Double X, and can be reached at samantha.henig@doublex.com.

Comments

@iar

By: Kit-Kat | Wed, 10/21/2009 - 14:10

I don't think it is worse to talk loudly on a cell phone than to talk loudly to a seatmate; both are rude when you are in a public place and others are forced to listen to your conversation. But for some reason, people talking loudly on cell phones seems to be more common (many possible reasons why people might talk louder on a phone than to a person sitting next to them). Perhaps additionally, there is an entire constellation of rude cell phone behavior--driving inattentively because you are on a cell phone, taking non-emergency calls and ignoring your actual in-person companions, talking on the cell phone while conducting in-person business instead of putting the call on hold, etc.--that may make people more sensitive to it.

Cell phone rudeness isn't different in kind from non-cell-phone rudeness--it's equally rude to drive inattentively because you're putting on makeup or eating french fries, for example, or to ignore your lunch companion in favor of a book you brought with you, but we're apparently still in the process of applying the old principles to the new technology. Part of the problem may be that cell phones can create either a false sense of urgency or of self-importance.

Loudness in confined spaces.

By: violetprofusion | Wed, 10/21/2009 - 08:20

For my part, I don't actually make a distinction between loudly talking with one's seatmate and loudly talking into one's cell phone. I have a pretty high tolerance for background noise on mass transit; people chat with seatmates, cellphones, etc, and it happens. As long as the noise is kept to a dull roar, I'm fine.

But if the behavior is disruptive enough, which it sometimes is, I'll politely ask the seatmates to lower their voices a little, or politely ask the cell-yell offender to lower his/her voice a little. A smile and a "please/thank you" tend to be the best weapons in the War on Unintentional Rudeness.

@Phaedra

By: iar | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 22:59

But, you haven't answered the question of why it's worse to talk loudly on the phone in public places than to talk loudly to a companion in public places. I've been on the bus plenty of times when I've had to listen to people discuss extremely personal matters with their traveling companions, but nobody ever seems to complain about that. What's so special about cell phones?

More cell-phone fantasies

By: Kit-Kat | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 21:52

I've always wanted to whip out a mini-recorder, like what I imagine a reporter uses, and hold it in front of people who are talking loudly. I have, in fact, just turned around and looked at someone who was talking extremely loudly about the sexual proclivities of one of his co-workers while in line at the airport. He kept talking for at least two or three more minutes as I watched attentively, making my best "oh, I'm SO interested!" face.

I really like the idea of taking notes, but I hadn't thought of handing them back to the person. Brilliant.

Love the fantasies!

By: Samantha Henig | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 14:56

Writingbabe, those fantasies are great. I say go for it. You'll be like Jerry Seinfeld when he heckled Elaine's coworker in her office: a hero to us all!

/

That's a bummer about your friend, tinyredcar. But I know what you mean. So far I haven't lost any friends over this, but I've certainly altered whom I'll hit up for a lunch date.

djheydt@hotmail.com

By: djheydt | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 14:52

One of the factors nobody has mentioned yet is that, not infrequently, people don't realize how loud their cell phone conversations are. This has something to do with the fact that a cell phone, unlike an ordinary landline handset, doesn't repeat your own voice back to you. If you're used to hearing yourself talk on the phone, and now you can't hear it, you assume that you're speaking very softly -- or that you're speaking *too* softly and you must SPEAK UP SO THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END OF THE CONVERSATION CAN HEAR YOU!!

I don't know whether it's possible for the manufacturers to modify the cell phones so that the user can hear his/her own voice. If they could, it would help. Otherwise, well, the polite "could you lower your voice, please?" with "You really don't want everybody on this bus to know about your sex life, do you?" ad libitum, seems to be the best we can do.

Bosslady -- Please pay

By: Phaedra | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 14:51

Bosslady -- Please pay attention to the posts. Yes, you are allowed to talk on your cell phone in public. What the posters object to -- quite rightly -- is people who speak LOUDLY on their cell phones in close spaces, who share with helpless strangers the intimate or disgusting details of their private lives, and who use their phones inconsiderately or inappropriately, ignoring companions and foisting their loudness on people who cannot get away from it. I am so not interested in my accidental seatmate's last rectal exam or that nasty discharge he's been experiencing, or his wife's sex drive, or how his toddler blew chunks all over his best suit. It's loud, offensive, inconsiderate, and disgusting cell phone use that is being objected to.

Politeness over shaming.

By: violetprofusion | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 14:40

If someone is unknowingly impeding the comfort of others--whether they're chatting loudly with a seatmate on mass transit, shouting cluelessly into a cell phone, or obliviously blocking a busy walkway--I have a novel suggestion:


Politely ask them to attenuate their behavior.


I have no choice but to take the bus to commute to my job. If I have to spend 45 minutes trapped in a small enclosure with you, I believe I'm well within my rights to POLITELY request that you lower your voice a little. Many people are well-meaning enough and simply don't realize how loud they're talking, and I have politely asked folks to tone it down many, many times. 99% of the time, the offender will be visibly startled, perhaps blush and mumble "Oh, I'm sorry!" and immediately tone down the force of their conversation.


Why? I'm not sure, but it's probably because it's a little startling. Once I was listening to some cheap headphones on the bus, and I had no idea how much sound was bleeding out of them until a lady gently touched my elbow and asked me, politely, to turn them down. I didn't know I was being inconsiderate until she told me. I was startled and I felt extremely sheepish, but I also learned to be more considerate with my headphones.


I know it's kind of intimidating to engage in any sort of exchange with a total stranger, but if you really want that person next to you on the train to use his/her indoor voice, the best bet is to ask politely. Smile, act a little embarrassed for them, and have done with it. Passive-aggressive huffing and hinting rarely works. People in general are terrible at taking hints.

I've never understood why

By: caryatis | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 14:38

I've never understood why people think talking on a phone in public is rude. --Cell phones exist so that we can make calls in public.-- Otherwise, there would be no point to having a cell rather than a landline. Since the technology exists now, you can't expect people to go back 30 years and only use the phone at home or work.

People shouldn't discuss personal topics, sure--but don't blame the phone--indiscreet people will be indiscreet whether they're on the phone or talking to the person next to them.

phones and crowds do not mix

By: natalielane | Tue, 10/20/2009 - 13:40

When the guy next to me in the computer lab started talking to his doctor about moles he wanted removed, that was too much. I politely asked him to take his phone conversation elsewhere- and was thanked by three other people for speaking up. But what galls me the most is when costumers want me to ring up their items to buy while talking on the phone. I step back and wait for them to finish up.